do you mis getting loaded?
Attended By a Single Hound
Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: England
Posts: 425
I miss it bad. I've only been clean since may 30th 08; Its early days. I guess my mind is still conditioned to think of it whenever anything happens...its a good day then celebrate and get wrecked, its a bad day then wallow and escape, my hair wont do what i want...pin a bag and i wont care. I'm anxious about going to the supermarket...pin a bag and float around the isles. I'm angry at work...go to the toilet and get the foil out.
Its wierd, the longer I'm clean the more shocked and repulsed at remembering how everyday I'd go through the same routines of cooking up, using too much vitc and not caring, having blood clots, rashes and how eventually even if I dropped a pin and bent it I'd just bend it back. I didn't care how many times I'd used the same pin or how messed up my arms were. I'd cry and get so upset if I couldn't get a vein. I stopped rotating sites if i found an obvious vein because getting the gear in was more important than having healthy veins. I'd share works with my partner. Being in the car with the heater blasting and still shivering and being freezing cold, then scoring and not even being able to wait until we got hone, finding a car park or similar and just cooking up there. I cant believe until the end of May that that was my life...
...Yet there's this voice in my head which just keeps saying 'after this long clean it'd feel so good. If you dont pin it, if you just smoke a bag that's ok and its justo one bag. Its like a treat, just the once'.
Some days I am so happy, feel so fresh and healthy and good I cant imagine ever craving or goin near that crap again, but the next day or hour or minute I cant imagine ever being happy without it and i cant remember the hour or day before when I was. All a part of it I guess.
Learning to live without gear, eating well, affording the bills, working two jobs and seeing my mates, noticing the positive effects its had on my body and how old friends suddenly look at me like I'm a human and not scum isn't enough yet to stop that voice. Not yet.
Its wierd, the longer I'm clean the more shocked and repulsed at remembering how everyday I'd go through the same routines of cooking up, using too much vitc and not caring, having blood clots, rashes and how eventually even if I dropped a pin and bent it I'd just bend it back. I didn't care how many times I'd used the same pin or how messed up my arms were. I'd cry and get so upset if I couldn't get a vein. I stopped rotating sites if i found an obvious vein because getting the gear in was more important than having healthy veins. I'd share works with my partner. Being in the car with the heater blasting and still shivering and being freezing cold, then scoring and not even being able to wait until we got hone, finding a car park or similar and just cooking up there. I cant believe until the end of May that that was my life...
...Yet there's this voice in my head which just keeps saying 'after this long clean it'd feel so good. If you dont pin it, if you just smoke a bag that's ok and its justo one bag. Its like a treat, just the once'.
Some days I am so happy, feel so fresh and healthy and good I cant imagine ever craving or goin near that crap again, but the next day or hour or minute I cant imagine ever being happy without it and i cant remember the hour or day before when I was. All a part of it I guess.
Learning to live without gear, eating well, affording the bills, working two jobs and seeing my mates, noticing the positive effects its had on my body and how old friends suddenly look at me like I'm a human and not scum isn't enough yet to stop that voice. Not yet.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: MA
Posts: 3
i do miss getting high, especially when i am in a stressful situation, and i have to just.....sit with the feelings. i also miss just feeling really good for a few hours.....BUT i am completely convinced that if i start using again, i will be right back where i was (constant, uncontrolled use in a deep depression) within a couple days, and that is not worth being rescued from an uncomfortable feeling or feeling really good for a few hours.
To Thine Own Self Be True
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: So Cal
Posts: 1,946
No, I really don't. I am grateful that since my last drunk, I have not allowed myself to think about drinking without playing the WHOLE tape. That includes sitting up all night in that jail cell as I was sobering up. Do I miss it? Nope, I love the respect I see in my husband's eyes TOO MUCH.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2008
Posts: 983
I think I can finally say NO, I don't and won't miss it ever again.
That always held me back from even trying to quit in the past. Now I feel really good that I can wake up without worry and face the day with a clear head.
That always held me back from even trying to quit in the past. Now I feel really good that I can wake up without worry and face the day with a clear head.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Anglesey
Posts: 6
I don't miss "getting loaded" at all, my life was totally crap when I was drinking, I have nothing but bad memories of the time. I quit after an unsuccessful suicide attempt over two years ago. I'd never want to return to that.
My life is so much better without alcohol and I am happy and productive now.
So no, I don't miss drinking at all
My life is so much better without alcohol and I am happy and productive now.
So no, I don't miss drinking at all
Drying out
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Christchurch
Posts: 15
I'm still in two minds - the crazy alcoholic in me hates the fact that I have decided never to drink again, it's like that song... cold war kids? "I promised to my wife and children, I'd never touch another drink as long as I live. But even then it sounds so soothing, to mix a gin and sink into oblivion" But oblivion is just what it is, or what it was. It obliterated the qualities in me that my friends admired, my fiancee adored, and my daughter looked up to. to sink into oblivion would be like tumbling down that black hole again. I don't miss that black hole. I love feeling good first thing in the morning!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Portsmouth,VA
Posts: 97
I don't miss it and never will. I wasted so much time and so many opportunities. I hurt a lot of family and friends and decieved most people that know me. I feel great right now and never want to feel like the selfish loser I became. I love being sober and hope that I can set a great example for others. I am not perfect but I am a completely different person now and will never go back to my old ways of the lying, decietful alcoholic a!@hole I allowed myself to become. Now if I could only spell, that would be great.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: edinburgh,uk
Posts: 47
Sorry,being an Englander I am not familiar with American slang....is hopped up getting high on pot or drunk or both?Anyhow,in answer,yes I do miss getting drunk right now to be perfectly honest,I would be a liar to state otherwise.But I know it would be too many steps backwards now to go back on the booze and I am not considering all the negative implications and impact on life,health,relationships and mental health(not to mention pocket) when all I can think about is getting drunk again.Its like I always did before,I mentally block out all the negatives in my mind,just consider the first 2 hours of being drunk as a good thing and not the rest of the ******** i.e hangover,anxiety next day,dehydration,impact on body,tiredness,increased depression,guilt,shame,feeling nasuseous etc etc etc.Then I have to think,is it really worth it all,do I really miss all that that comes with it?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2008
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 12
More than I can say
From the time I was very young, I felt that there was something different with me. The first taste gave me the chance to feel whole, complete, as if I was someone else. It provided that escape from my skin, that feeling that totally disgusts me at times. It gave me that chance to not be present when the rest of me was scared that I might be killed, allowed for a temporary peace, even if it was not real. It is then that I hear those whispers of 'yesss,' when I ask myself if one more medicated and peacefull moment is worth it.
The other parts of my mind scream, 'No!', that my life is worth so much more, that I deserve a better future, that my son deserves to have me around and have a mommy who is all there.
And sometimes it is those whispers of 'yessss,' that deafen.
The other parts of my mind scream, 'No!', that my life is worth so much more, that I deserve a better future, that my son deserves to have me around and have a mommy who is all there.
And sometimes it is those whispers of 'yessss,' that deafen.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Location: joshua tree ca.
Posts: 10
getting loaded?
I still have not had a single "dope moment"...althogh I have had to stop myself from acting .....or should i say re-acting...like a dope fiend.I have about 3 and half hours till my 60th day(yea me!)this time has been pretty easy by comparison. I believe that going to a meeting every day....and I realy mean every day....for the last 60 days.....and forums like this ....and to me making a consious effert every day to learn and EVOLVE (man...I love that word!)I realize that this is much more than just not using.....but also reprograming...using for 27 years almost every day....addiction wove its way into the verry fabric of my bieng.taking the dope away left me RAW!!!!!. But ready for change.....love this forum.....peace.......me
Last edited by madd11matt; 10-14-2008 at 08:41 PM. Reason: punct.
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