Reinventing

That is where I was...today I am sober a week.
Since Sept I have been drinking off and on, teetering
on the edge of fullblown drinking every might. It's a
slippery slope out there.

I stopped drinking in March this year. I found that I love hiking
and just being out in nature. This became a passion that I
dare not ruin with drinking. Being hungover and trying to hike
a hill for 2 hours just doesn't go hand n hand.

A goal surfaced. I would hike the Grand Canyon in Sept
for my 41st birthday! That kept me on the straight and narrow.
I didn't even miss drinking. I had lost 30 pounds, the red eyes
were gone, the puffiness gone, my self esteem was growing.
So I hiked that canyon. 5.5 hours down and 9 hours up and out.
We stayed the night at the bottom and it was beautiful. Looking
down at the canyon from a safe, behind the railing view is one
thing, but to see it as you desend and able to look up, is a totally
different experience.

After that, I slowly started drinking. It was like a reward, but I
know in my heart and mind that alcohol is NO reward. It started
to suck me in. I started drinking more and more and getting
back to where I was in March. I started to gain some weight which
is totally unacceptable! I woke last week, hungover and felt so
much shame and disapointment, I could barely stand myself.
This had to stop. Once and for all!!!

I can handle hangovers. I am at the point that I cannot respect
myself in the mornings after a night of drinking.

I do not like drinking. I hate it actually. This has to be the last
time I quit.

So....that is where I was when I came to SR.

Dee_Sober4today

Hi Reinventing..
Congratulations on your decision to get sober again. I know what you mean about alcohol being a reward. I used to love drinking after I accomplished something..problem is, I started to drink so much that the only thing I accomplished was drinking some more.
The Grand Canyon trip sounds awesome.
While you were sober, did you get active in AA or some other program? Did you speak with other alcoholics?
I wish you all the best on your journey! Keep posting!
Dee

Reinventing

Thanks Dee.

I haven't had any luck with AA.
Can't find them, the people are just so different from me, once I get there the doors are locked, there are children running around the meeting,
or it's such a tight knit group, they only talked about their
kids or hobbies, etc. So, I have given up on AA.
I have attended SMART Recovery meetings and really liked
them. Problem is, there aren't many here that suit my times.

So, I go online, read books about recovery and sometimes just
plain whiteknuckle it.

gravity

Hi Reinventing,

I'm always amazed when I read something so similar to my own story. We are almost exactly the same age and recent success/problems dealing with alcohol are very similar. Identical weight loss (and gain!) and I love the outdoors.

I went from November 2006 to September 2007 abstinent for the most part (occassional "harmless" beer or three). October to mid-December was a downward spiral ending in the Weekend from Hell. The shame & dissappointment was/is almost unbearable. I'm only on day 7.

I don't really feel qualified to offer advice so I will just make a few comments about my own recent experience that you may be able to relate to.

I am quite proud of my success from November 2006 to September 2007. It was one of the better periods in my life and just because I've been stumbling lately it doesn't take that success away.

I too used the internet, reading, and white-knuckling it (at times). I also spoke with some older family members with experience & success in dealing with alcohol (very humbling but valuable). I also kept a daily journal. Reading my journal really showed me how far I had come. Great incentive.

I have finally decided to add AA to my "plan of attack". Six days ago, I called the local AA number (again, humbling), talked at length with an AA member who has been guiding me through the past week so I don't feel like too much of an outsider.

While I don't think I'll ever be one of those "hardcore" AA guys (one never knows) it's been good to listen and relate to people with drinking issues. I've only been to a few meetings. The first meetings I tried were kind of WTF? How is THIS going to help? The last one I went to was about acceptance which I really related to.

Best wishes!

Reinventing

gravity! 10 months is awesome! I think maybe the year end, holidays, etc might be a little hard on us. ?

I too loved the time I was sober. I felt like I was growing and actually
feeling like an adult.

Day 7 is great! really! The hardest for me is day 1. I guess we have the same "re-quitting" date.

The first of the year is anew!!! I am looking forward to it.

Thanks for posting gravity, it's nice to read similarities.

bethy

nice u ar ehere man

Stranger99

You certianly have different AA meetings than here in the frozen north. Sorry that hasn't worked. What's a SMART recovery meeting?
Hang in there, it does get better!!!!