Higher Power led me here . . .
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Saratoga Springs, UT
Posts: 3
Higher Power led me here . . .
In response to that question-- good one btw--- I was on my 9 month (to the day) recovery from alcoholism. It's a long intense story that I'll put on my profile later but the back cover jacket would read "After ten years of hard drinking leading up to drinking throughout the day and night, Jenn found herself in the hospital on the edge of death due to accute renal and kidney failure. While she knew she was drinking herself to death, once she was faced with the fact that her time had run out, she realized she wanted to live. She also faced the painful reality of her gradual descent from white to complete darkness. . . leaving her with the realization she didn't like nor would want for a friend. This near death experience led to intense spirtuality, calling on the support of others in her faith, her friends, family, and her husband. She ended up being hospitalized approximately three of the next four months. They were repeated visits due to continuous fainting spells due to potassium deficiency. This is the story of her recovery and continuing battle to overcome her own addictive and self destructive behavior."
I was led to this site by my HP, there is no doubt in my mind. I've had at least a dozen such experiences that are so unusual it is obvious that they come from finally turning to the light, and begging for one last chance. I'm a writer and ever since my first hospital visit (I'd almost completely bled out and had 11 blood transfusions the first day alone) I at first suffered from hallucinations due to the toxins pouring through my body due to the kidney dumping. As I recovered, I would hear songs in my head . . . songs I'd heard as a child, etc. and it was driving me insane. Imagine lying in bed in so much pain because you can not move, are unable to sleep due to your bodies continuous mini-seizures (very similar to restless leg syndrome but the most annoying side effect (except fainting and splitting upen your shin, or head-- both of which I did) was these spasms. In fact I remember a moment in the hospital and I'd just been re-rushed to the ER and I was shivering uncontrollably (I was continuously freezing due to the rapid weight loss, and my poor husband had to endure not only caring for me including lifting me (and I'd gained 55 lbs in 3 days due to the dumping) putting me at 305 lbs. of dead weight. Yes, he is without a doubt a saint!) Okay, I only went off rambling to explain the hideousness of not sleeping, twitching and unable to tune out the perpetual repetition in my head of "Chica Boom, Chica Boom" as one example.
Forgive the lack of focus-- a new tendency that has emerged since this incident.
Back to finding this site: From the very beginning I was also all the sudden overtaken by the writer within me. I would lay there and think of different ways I could tell my story. This month, at the risk of sounding like Sybil, the story in me was so powerful that I could no longer read or watch TV. I simply couldn't tune it out. Finally I went to the computer and wrote for four hours-- the words literally coming out faster than I could type. Having been a writer since I was a child (and yes I am a published writer, but spent the last 12 years working writing marketing materials that fulfilled that creative energy. Okay this story is now officially not a cliff notes version so forgive me in advance.
While writing the voice was at first was writing to a potential writer then suddenly to writing to my husband and the tears poured down my face while I manically typed. I wrote things I didn't even realize I was feeling and it was the ultimate self-therapy. (Cliff notes on DH, he comes from a very alcoholic based home and drug usage beginning at thirteen, eventually doing coke, then crack. Remarkably he turned 30 and realized he was going nowhere fast. He intentionally moved out of state and got his CDL (truck driving certification) and quit everything literally overnight cold turkey.) Looking back, it seems ridiculous I didn't see it coming, but when me moved back to Utah (we'd been living in CT), he essentially had a nervous breakdown. In the past three years, his younger brother died of alcoholism without warning. Right before that he was involved in an industrial accident that required surgery for a torn shoulder rotator cuff (?) then finally got that settled and went to work for a better company. Three weeks later, he was thrown through the air on an extremely old electric pallet jack. He landed on his left wrist, completely shattering it, and because he's left handed he basically was repeatedly told he couldn't drive again (it requires consistent lifting of up to 150 lbs. and he was limited to 20 lbs. from then on.) His wrist was so badly shattered that they put in a metal plate and 14 metal screws-- the x-rays look like Frankenstein. Okay, it gets worse. Because of my own alcoholism, I lost my job, then DH was fired as soon as he was released back to a partial schedule which required he keep his arm in a cast elevated, and being iced down every two hours. As you can imagine, he was fired within two weeks-- two days before he'd have become a member of the union. This all led to CT. move which felt like a fresh start. I won't even go there with that whole story. He suffered a year of more pain so he had another surgery to remove the metal, which was causing premature tendonitis. What should have been a 30 minute surgery was closer to 3 hours and the surgeon came out and told me he'd never seen anything as bad as that. All that was left was scar tissue and metal. I'll wrap this up as there are so many layers to this story. I'll just say within one week, first DH received a call from his step-mom who told him his father didn't want to tell anyone before then but was in the final stages of terminal brain tumors. He and his remaining two brothers spent 5 days wth their dad so they could see him before he started the dehibilitating raidiation. The day he got home, I found out what was diagnosed as a pulled muscle after a slip and fall at Rite Aid, one of our accounts, when in actuality I'd broken my hip and femur bone. The rushed me to the hospital and I had surgery the next day. The day of my hip surgery, my father had a heart attack and came close to death three different times. I wasn't told for the first week or so because the family didn't want to upset me while in the hospital. This is all true, I couldn't even make it up. While I was already an alcoholic, I had a quack doctor who gave me percot 10's as commonly as you might use a Pez dispenser. I paid $100 cash and left with my prescription. I began drinking even more, and I accept full blame for my choices, but my hip never healed right and I hurt from then on and was left with a permanent left. This led to my termination, with one days notice, and as I previously mentioned, I spent the next four months going back and forth to the hospital. My husband shouldered all this without complaint and I was so focused (I now find it selfish) on my own health, that I didn't realize that the numerous times I almost died, after going through two deaths in his family, had left him in a state that almost broke him. I won't go into any more details but I'll just say his first day back in UT I begged him to go to our community pool and get me a diet pepsi even though he'd only had 6 to 10 hours of sleep total in 5 days of driving a semi and towing a car through severe snow storms. I didn't know he'd just taken his ambien, and in fact, had no idea how dangerous of a drug it was (I'd been told it was non-narcotic and non-addictive. He fell asleep at the wheel during the three block drive, took out a utility pole and moving a boulder four feet forward. He slept through the whole thing and didn't remember anything when the sheriff found him 20 minutes later. Utah laws make this a DUI. That same month I passed out again, cracking my head open requiring 17 staples, and the next day while asleep, he got up and began driving to see me in the hospital or to the liquor store, which was closed, and once again, got a DUI. This officially led to his hopes of being able to drive again. He now faces a minimum of 12 days in jail but I'm proud to say he voluntarily went into a outpatient rehab, started this a.m. and we're attending AA together tomorrow, which he's never gone to so doesn't understand the impact it has on your life-- at least it did mine.
I now realize this is not even close to a book jacket, nor cliff notes but the whole damn novel (I should spell check and send to agent
As I mentioned previously, I realized that for a number of reasons, I'd stopped listening to music when I began drinking-- more to my DH's ear bursting fascination with Star Wars, Sahara, any action movie, the history channel, NFL and he's unbelievable when he's watching the Lakers. At first I'd be upstairs and he'd scream out "****!!!". I would panic and rush downstairs asking what was wrong. He'd say "that idiot was wide open".
It started with the songs in my head, and then with insomnia I began watching music videos finding sooooo many truths in various lyrics. I went online yesterday to find the lyrics to REM's "Everybody Hurts". Due to my HP, there was a link referring to this song which led me to this site accidentally. I was feeling better spiritually and mentally then I'd felt in the past months worrying about my DH and enabling his addictions because I'd never seen him look so weary and like he'd given up all hope. My spirituality had begun to go back up (I'd gotten complacent when drinking wasn't a temptation and when I was no longer racked with pain 24 hours a day) but my DH and I had it out as I realized I wasn't helping him at all. This led to a new marital contract where we both made goals of no alcohol, no pain pills (still my biggest temptation but it's begining to ease up-- I had a back slide when we found out one of our best friends could get Lortab, Soma, and Oxy at any given time from a neighbor.) We also agreed to only use prescriptions from the doctor.
I was so excited about finding this site because I'm at a strange state in my recovery. As an embarassing confession, while I've remained abstinent from alcohol and pain pills, I began compulsively taking Advil PM-- up to 22 in a day.
I'll post more later as this is my first post and I'd love to ask all of you a few questions to help me with this stage.
I'm so deeply grateful for my HP for leading me here, for the people who are on here, and the HP that led to the creation of this site.
xoxo
I was led to this site by my HP, there is no doubt in my mind. I've had at least a dozen such experiences that are so unusual it is obvious that they come from finally turning to the light, and begging for one last chance. I'm a writer and ever since my first hospital visit (I'd almost completely bled out and had 11 blood transfusions the first day alone) I at first suffered from hallucinations due to the toxins pouring through my body due to the kidney dumping. As I recovered, I would hear songs in my head . . . songs I'd heard as a child, etc. and it was driving me insane. Imagine lying in bed in so much pain because you can not move, are unable to sleep due to your bodies continuous mini-seizures (very similar to restless leg syndrome but the most annoying side effect (except fainting and splitting upen your shin, or head-- both of which I did) was these spasms. In fact I remember a moment in the hospital and I'd just been re-rushed to the ER and I was shivering uncontrollably (I was continuously freezing due to the rapid weight loss, and my poor husband had to endure not only caring for me including lifting me (and I'd gained 55 lbs in 3 days due to the dumping) putting me at 305 lbs. of dead weight. Yes, he is without a doubt a saint!) Okay, I only went off rambling to explain the hideousness of not sleeping, twitching and unable to tune out the perpetual repetition in my head of "Chica Boom, Chica Boom" as one example.
Forgive the lack of focus-- a new tendency that has emerged since this incident.
Back to finding this site: From the very beginning I was also all the sudden overtaken by the writer within me. I would lay there and think of different ways I could tell my story. This month, at the risk of sounding like Sybil, the story in me was so powerful that I could no longer read or watch TV. I simply couldn't tune it out. Finally I went to the computer and wrote for four hours-- the words literally coming out faster than I could type. Having been a writer since I was a child (and yes I am a published writer, but spent the last 12 years working writing marketing materials that fulfilled that creative energy. Okay this story is now officially not a cliff notes version so forgive me in advance.
While writing the voice was at first was writing to a potential writer then suddenly to writing to my husband and the tears poured down my face while I manically typed. I wrote things I didn't even realize I was feeling and it was the ultimate self-therapy. (Cliff notes on DH, he comes from a very alcoholic based home and drug usage beginning at thirteen, eventually doing coke, then crack. Remarkably he turned 30 and realized he was going nowhere fast. He intentionally moved out of state and got his CDL (truck driving certification) and quit everything literally overnight cold turkey.) Looking back, it seems ridiculous I didn't see it coming, but when me moved back to Utah (we'd been living in CT), he essentially had a nervous breakdown. In the past three years, his younger brother died of alcoholism without warning. Right before that he was involved in an industrial accident that required surgery for a torn shoulder rotator cuff (?) then finally got that settled and went to work for a better company. Three weeks later, he was thrown through the air on an extremely old electric pallet jack. He landed on his left wrist, completely shattering it, and because he's left handed he basically was repeatedly told he couldn't drive again (it requires consistent lifting of up to 150 lbs. and he was limited to 20 lbs. from then on.) His wrist was so badly shattered that they put in a metal plate and 14 metal screws-- the x-rays look like Frankenstein. Okay, it gets worse. Because of my own alcoholism, I lost my job, then DH was fired as soon as he was released back to a partial schedule which required he keep his arm in a cast elevated, and being iced down every two hours. As you can imagine, he was fired within two weeks-- two days before he'd have become a member of the union. This all led to CT. move which felt like a fresh start. I won't even go there with that whole story. He suffered a year of more pain so he had another surgery to remove the metal, which was causing premature tendonitis. What should have been a 30 minute surgery was closer to 3 hours and the surgeon came out and told me he'd never seen anything as bad as that. All that was left was scar tissue and metal. I'll wrap this up as there are so many layers to this story. I'll just say within one week, first DH received a call from his step-mom who told him his father didn't want to tell anyone before then but was in the final stages of terminal brain tumors. He and his remaining two brothers spent 5 days wth their dad so they could see him before he started the dehibilitating raidiation. The day he got home, I found out what was diagnosed as a pulled muscle after a slip and fall at Rite Aid, one of our accounts, when in actuality I'd broken my hip and femur bone. The rushed me to the hospital and I had surgery the next day. The day of my hip surgery, my father had a heart attack and came close to death three different times. I wasn't told for the first week or so because the family didn't want to upset me while in the hospital. This is all true, I couldn't even make it up. While I was already an alcoholic, I had a quack doctor who gave me percot 10's as commonly as you might use a Pez dispenser. I paid $100 cash and left with my prescription. I began drinking even more, and I accept full blame for my choices, but my hip never healed right and I hurt from then on and was left with a permanent left. This led to my termination, with one days notice, and as I previously mentioned, I spent the next four months going back and forth to the hospital. My husband shouldered all this without complaint and I was so focused (I now find it selfish) on my own health, that I didn't realize that the numerous times I almost died, after going through two deaths in his family, had left him in a state that almost broke him. I won't go into any more details but I'll just say his first day back in UT I begged him to go to our community pool and get me a diet pepsi even though he'd only had 6 to 10 hours of sleep total in 5 days of driving a semi and towing a car through severe snow storms. I didn't know he'd just taken his ambien, and in fact, had no idea how dangerous of a drug it was (I'd been told it was non-narcotic and non-addictive. He fell asleep at the wheel during the three block drive, took out a utility pole and moving a boulder four feet forward. He slept through the whole thing and didn't remember anything when the sheriff found him 20 minutes later. Utah laws make this a DUI. That same month I passed out again, cracking my head open requiring 17 staples, and the next day while asleep, he got up and began driving to see me in the hospital or to the liquor store, which was closed, and once again, got a DUI. This officially led to his hopes of being able to drive again. He now faces a minimum of 12 days in jail but I'm proud to say he voluntarily went into a outpatient rehab, started this a.m. and we're attending AA together tomorrow, which he's never gone to so doesn't understand the impact it has on your life-- at least it did mine.
I now realize this is not even close to a book jacket, nor cliff notes but the whole damn novel (I should spell check and send to agent
As I mentioned previously, I realized that for a number of reasons, I'd stopped listening to music when I began drinking-- more to my DH's ear bursting fascination with Star Wars, Sahara, any action movie, the history channel, NFL and he's unbelievable when he's watching the Lakers. At first I'd be upstairs and he'd scream out "****!!!". I would panic and rush downstairs asking what was wrong. He'd say "that idiot was wide open".It started with the songs in my head, and then with insomnia I began watching music videos finding sooooo many truths in various lyrics. I went online yesterday to find the lyrics to REM's "Everybody Hurts". Due to my HP, there was a link referring to this song which led me to this site accidentally. I was feeling better spiritually and mentally then I'd felt in the past months worrying about my DH and enabling his addictions because I'd never seen him look so weary and like he'd given up all hope. My spirituality had begun to go back up (I'd gotten complacent when drinking wasn't a temptation and when I was no longer racked with pain 24 hours a day) but my DH and I had it out as I realized I wasn't helping him at all. This led to a new marital contract where we both made goals of no alcohol, no pain pills (still my biggest temptation but it's begining to ease up-- I had a back slide when we found out one of our best friends could get Lortab, Soma, and Oxy at any given time from a neighbor.) We also agreed to only use prescriptions from the doctor.
I was so excited about finding this site because I'm at a strange state in my recovery. As an embarassing confession, while I've remained abstinent from alcohol and pain pills, I began compulsively taking Advil PM-- up to 22 in a day.
I'll post more later as this is my first post and I'd love to ask all of you a few questions to help me with this stage.
I'm so deeply grateful for my HP for leading me here, for the people who are on here, and the HP that led to the creation of this site.
xoxo
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2007
Location: Saratoga Springs, UT
Posts: 3
Thank you . . . I have to admit again I was writing so quickly, that I re-read it and see all the mistakes. No one will ever believe I'm a writer since I left words out (most notably it should have read "she was left with the realization that she didn't like herself nor would she want herself as a friend."
Again, thanks for a reply. Sometimes that's enough to get you through another day. Today I'm especially manic (I peak at my craziness when I can't sleep. Last night I slept 3 hours at most followed by DH's therapy and trial-- enough said.)
Your words calmed me down.
Again, thanks for a reply. Sometimes that's enough to get you through another day. Today I'm especially manic (I peak at my craziness when I can't sleep. Last night I slept 3 hours at most followed by DH's therapy and trial-- enough said.)
Your words calmed me down.
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