psd4237

Came across SR yesterday and have been feeling down for about a week now. Here's the best I can explain it. I've been sober since September 27, 1997, but I still live in, well, the best way I can describe it is fear, fear of relapsing, fear of the slippery slope back to rock bottom. Basically, as a raging alcoholic, I was quite an irresponsible screw up for a lot of years, and now every time I do something that I perceive as being irresponsible (everything from a mistake at work to forgetting to take out the trash), the fear takes over and I start spiraling down, sort of a here we go again. I try the coping methods I learned in AA and rehab, you know, "Progress not Perfection," and the like, but when I'm in one of my funks, these aren't always very helpful. I also struggle pretty much daily with self-worth issues stemming from my addiction, so the spiraling down only makes that worse. Intellectually, I can recognize the pattern, but that doesn't making it any easier getting through the days. Does anyone else feel this way? If so, how do you deal with this?

I'mready99

Welcome PSD4237...

Congrats on your almost 10 years of sobriety...

I was sober from 1990-2000 when I relapsed...

I only have two days under my belt, but I can kind of understand where your coming from...

You have come to the right place for answers. Someone will post shortly I'm sure with answers to your question...

I'm gonna sit by and wait for some answers myself...

Have a GREAT sober weekend...

One day at a time.

Steve

psd4237

Thanks Steve,

The way I've been feeling, I think celebrating "ten years" mught be a bit premature. Let's just say nine years, one month, and fifty-one days. I remember two-days sober. It wasn't the most fun thing in the workd. Hang in there and keep me in mind if you need to talk.

Ten Chips Down

PSD-

My life sucks, too. Well, on the outside, to anyone else, it would probably seem a pretty sad state. LOL

But I am going to tell you something that might strike a chord of interest, you and I having roughly the same amount of dry time: I am happy for a ridiculous amount of the time these days. What I have found is that depression (clinical depression) and the alcoholic state follows my entire heritage, or lineage, whichever is the right word (even writers get stumped ).

So . . . 10 years ago, I finally turned to psychiatry and damned if antidepressants of all things weren't the answer for me. I dunno why. I just know it was never AA, God, nor the now-proverbial "doorknob."

The right antidepressants, getting good exercise and working part-time - and always having *something* worthwhile to do does the trick for me.

But I'm going to take this opportunity to put in a plug for that "right antidepressant," which presently for me has been Celexa, because sister without that, I'm a documented wreck. (clicky)

Oh, also be sure and visit Mark Sichel's subforum right here on SR.

Keep asking and reaching b/c if there is one thing in your entire post that does rub me wrong (worries me), it is that you feel perilously close to picking up again at times. Something is wrong there, in the sense you've so many years behind you.

Don't rest on this, ok?

Ten

Ten Chips Down

Here's Mark Sichel. http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/mark-sichel/

psd4237

Hey Ten,

Thanks for the input. I appreciate the insight and your concern. I do have my share of "happy" moments. I have a great job (most of the time), great friends, and a great relationship. It is just this nagging fear of relapse and waiting for the other shoe to drop. That never goes away? I had a pretty good weekend. Actually forced myself to go out shopping with a couple of friends and that helped break the downward spiral a bit. That is the key for me in these funky times, to try to go about life as if it were a "normal" day, rather than sitting around dwelling on whatever it was that caused the funk in the first place because the more I dwell, the worse it gets.

Peggy

carolm

Hey there,

I agree with Ten. I took years to get clean and sober, one relapse after another. But I found out I needed antidepressants. It might not be for you, but it' s worth looking into. Keep posting. You sound as if your on the edge. Just "Remember When".

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

Carol

mikel60

Hi psd4237,
I was pretty much a miserable wretch two years into sobriety. It was at this point that I discovered big Book Step Study Meetings. For me, they were the key. For me. Doing my fourth step in the structured manner that is used there offered me an intensive look at the real nature of my alcoholism and myself. It was a very liberating experience. Hang in there and I hope you find the path that works for you. Mike in Boston

Ten Chips Down

Hi Peggy,

Let's do a recap. I'm recognizing (not diagnosing, just recognizing ) clear traits of a depressed individual.

Now, sometimes cognitive-behavioral exercises and techniques can work. But sometimes not.

Sometimes, all the looking inward in the world won't amount to anything more than a clinically depressed individual with deep insight.

But back to the recap, eh? Some statements that stuck out:

"Every time I do something that I perceive as being irresponsible (everything from a mistake at work to forgetting to take out the trash), the fear takes over and I start spiraling down, sort of a here we go again."

"Intellectually, I can recognize the pattern, but that doesn't making it any easier getting through the days."

"I have a great job (most of the time), great friends, and a great relationship. It is just this nagging fear of relapse and waiting for the other shoe to drop. That never goes away? I had a pretty good weekend. Actually forced myself to go out shopping with a couple of friends and that helped break the downward spiral a bit."


You said, ". . . .fear of relapse and waiting for the other shoe to drop. That never goes away?"

lol! Damred right it goes away!

And newcomers should listen up too. If your ass is still on fire or just down to a smolder, and you're wondering "will it be this bad for the rest of my LIFE?"

LOL, Lord no!

You get normalized. It does happen. Emotional equilibrium returns--and when that doesn't happen or if bad stuff just keeps coming up in our lives, then it's up to us to get out there and move our glutes. Seek help in other words.

Anway.

lol

It was the "That never goes away"? question which insired this entire post.

See, even though I don't subscribe to any one "program" or sequence of steps, I can assure you that I was quite POWERLESS indeed when the sickness was on me. If it didn't continually get better and better - or if I remained on the brink - I would be posting these from some state mental institution.

Loves ya ~
Ten