Eliminating Manipulation by James J. Messina, Ph.D. & Constance M. Messina, Ph.D. What is manipulation? Manipulation is a set of behaviors whose goal is to:
Directions: If you currently use any of the following behaviors in your relationships with people in your life, mark yes. ___ yes ___ no ( 1) Play the victim ___ yes ___ no ( 2) Play the martyr ___ yes ___ no ( 3) Act helpless ___ yes ___ no ( 4) Play stupid ___ yes ___ no ( 5) Act incompetent ___ yes ___ no ( 6) Act angry ___ yes ___ no ( 7) Throw temper tantrums ___ yes ___ no ( 8) Say "anything you want'' when you don't mean it ___ yes ___ no ( 9) Act compliant when you don't want to ___ yes ___ no (10) Lie about how you feel ___ yes ___ no (11) Act lost ___ yes ___ no (12) Act suicidal ___ yes ___ no (13) Act hopeless and pathetic ___ yes ___ no (14) Act depressed ___ yes ___ no (15) Act befuddled or confused ___ yes ___ no (16) Tell stories or fabrications ___ yes ___ no (17) Use hyperbole or exaggeration to build up problems ___ yes ___ no (18) Act as a "wedge'' between people keeping them divided against one another ___ yes ___ no (19) Act judgmental or shame people ___ yes ___ no (20) Use guilt trips ___ yes ___ no (21) Use ridicule ___ yes ___ no (22) "Cry wolf'' ___ yes ___ no (23) "Looking good'' for the other ___ yes ___ no (24) People pleasing ___ yes ___ no (25) Passive aggressiveness ___ yes ___ no (26) Act hurt or wounded ___ yes ___ no (27) Act ignored or forgotten ___ yes ___ no (28) Act unloved or uncared for ___ yes ___ no (29) Blame others for your problems ___ yes ___ no (30) Kiss up ___ yes ___ no (31) Act overly solicitous ___ yes ___ no (32) Ingratiate yourself with others ___ yes ___ no (33) Exaggerated sincerity ___ yes ___ no (34) Overly charming ___ yes ___ no (35) Act "out of it'' ___ yes ___ no (36) Act "sorry'' for your bad behaviors ___ yes ___ no (37) Insincere promising of change or reformation of behaviors ___ yes ___ no (38) Act as if you don't have value or worth ___ yes ___ no (39) Keep everybody upset to keep focus off you ___ yes ___ no (40) Keep people around you in competitive relationships What are the negative effects of manipulation? The negative effects of continued use of manipulation to control others are that:
Manipulation is a control issue because:
In order to cease using manipulation in your relationships with others, you can try these steps: First: Identify what behaviors you are using in your relationships with others in order to manipulate them into doing what you want them to do for you. Second: Identify what issues in your life you are not wanting to accept personal responsibility for and which lead you to manipulate others to ignore or take care of for you. Third: Identify your feelings about the issues in your life that you manipulate others to address or ignore. Fourth: Identify what irrational beliefs underlie your need to manipulate others to take over the responsibility for the issues in your life. Fifth: Identify what new beliefs about these issues would make you more personally responsible and a more "authentic'' or "real'' person. Sixth: Identify what fears block your taking personal responsibility for these issues in your life and thus lead you to manipulate others to ignore or take care of them for you. Seventh: Identify new feelings about these issues which would help you to be more realistic and more responsible as you face these issues. Eighth: Identify new healthy, more productive coping behaviors which you can put into practice which will help you to become more personally responsible and less manipulative. Ninth: Inform those people you have been manipulating to take care of you that you are now going to take the full responsibility for these issues on your own. Tenth: Seek support from people in your life to assist you not to fall back into manipulating others to ignore or to take care of these issues for you. Eleventh: Give permission to the people in your life to "call you on it'' when you are falling back into the manipulative behaviors by which you try to control them to take responsibility for the issues in your life. Twelfth: When you find yourself falling back into use of manipulation, return to the first step and start over again. Steps to eliminating manipulation in your life Step 1: In order to eliminate the use of manipulation in your life, you first need to identify the behaviors you use to manipulate others to ignore or take over responsibility for your care and your problem life issues. To identify your manipulative behaviors, use the Manipulative Behavior Inventory in the beginning of this chapter. Step 2: Once you've identified the manipulative behaviors you use to get people to do things for you to ignore your problems or to keep them off guard, you then need to identify who are the people you manipulate. In your journal, identify the people you manipulate. Step 3: Why do you manipulate others? Identify in your journal the issues present in your life which you manipulate others to address or ignore. Answer the following questions about these issues. A. How do you feel about each of these issues? B. Why do you feel a need to manipulate others concerning these issues? C. Which issues do you want others to ignore or overlook? D. Which issues do you want others to fix or change for you? E. Which issues do you want others to feel responsible for? F. Which issues overwhelm you? Which issues overwhelm others? G. Which issues depress you? Anger you? H. Which issues do you want to run away from? I. Which issues do you feel helpless to deal with? Hopeless to cope with? Step 4: In your journal now identify: A. What irrational beliefs keep you from successfully coping with each issue identified in Step 3? B. What new, healthy, more rational beliefs do you need in order to cope with and handle these issues? C. What thinking keeps you from accepting personal responsibility for your problems and issues? D. What new thinking do you need in order to accept personal responsibility for your own problems and issues? Step 5: In your journal now identify what new, healthier, more productive behaviors you need to develop to address your problems and issues. Step 6: Implement these new behaviors. Step 7: Inform people of your old manipulative behaviors and give them permission to "call you on it'' if you fall back into old manipulative ways. Step 8: If you find yourself relapsing back into manipulative behaviors to get people to ignore or take care of you, then return to Step 1 and begin over again. |
Just For Today, i will try not to manipulate my b/f. intresting Thanks Morning Glory |
Being a codie I have been advised by others that I need to let go of my own manipulation tactics. It seems all my manipulative tactics center around trying to make others stop their addictive and/or abusive behaviors. I definately need to keep the solution in mind for that....:13: |
Great Post, MG. It's strange to see some old behaviours that I owned before I found recovery, and stranger still that I ever thought they could stop my son from using drugs. I still see a few behaviours that may need some attention, and I better give some thought to why they seem useful to me in any way. I'm sure they are all about my own insecurity. Thanks for getting my brain going on this one. Hugs, |
Am working on this behavior...did not know what it was or understand it. I read another site this morning that said it was the ego again, so it is a spiritual disease, and now I know they are right. It is about getting our needs met that comes from ourself and not from God or God's will. It is really awful behavior based on selfishness, not love, so will be very glad to change it. I think only lots of prayer and learning to give, rather than take, are the only answers to this problem...it is so horrible. That was in my family of origin background and it was very hurtful..but the thing is I don't want to do that to someone else. It is not love. |
Ah yeah, defects of character = shortcomings. Old behaviours are what I needed to change, in almost all aspects of my life. |
Great post Morning Glory. I'd love to post a hard copy up on my home office wall along with: "The unexamined life is not worth living -Socrates", "To thine own self be true -Shakespeare", etc. but I wouldn't have any room left for other great nuggets :-) I guess I'll have to settle for an e-bookmark; I plan to come back to it often. |
Wow. I spent an hour this morning reviewing this post. Manipulation is HUGE in my family and of course I learned more subtle ways to do it to get by! I guess one good thing is I know it and I name it. However, I need to be a little more thoughtful to continue to stop some of this manipulation before I even start. Very helpful post. Thank you. |
Excellent post! |
This is an old post but is excellent in the explaination of the uses of manipulation |
Awareness! It's be wrong to say I like manipulative people, I don't , more like those who are self absorbed, often to the point that they like to cause other people pain or make them feel small without realising that not only do they lose them but they never come back! leaving them, those who are manipulative , often self absorbed in the company of others, who , because of their similarities, have no interest in them either and so they destroy themselves... Best to remember or at least be aware then, as was once pointed out to me and is apparently well known amongst medical health professionals,particularly those specialising in matters concerning the ability to think cognitively, that there are some people who, no matter what you do for them or offer them will always destroy themselves...often to be found, and there are lots of them. Amongst those who play at life and don't recognise reality (adversity) until it hits them in the face! As Seneca said,'Adversity is a training exercise..' so is reality in which,'The only power you have is over your mind (not other people), everything else is external events. Realize this and you will gain strength,' - Marcus Aurelius. |
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