12th Step Work
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Join Date: Dec 2005
Location: El Cerrito, California
Posts: 580
12th Step Work
A guy I know has been having a hard time staying sober. I drove him up to a detox in the country twice, using his car, and he's back and still can't stay sober.
We met in AA. I'm a Buddhist, and my recovery isn't typical AA, though I've been sober a long time. I don't care how he stays sober. I know I can't fix him, but I'm not sure what to tell him. He sounds like a bewildered innocent bystander. Part of the problem is that he isn't good about taking care of himself (care and feeding), easily succumbs to the wiles of the television, and forgets to be part of the human race. About all I can think of doing is to keep in touch with him. I've suggested he say the Serenity Prayer (not my thing, but it was a good place to start early in my recovery), but something isn't connecting there.
I don't think I'm quite ready to bail, but I'm not sure I want to hang around watching him slowly self-destruct either. When he drinks, he gets sick, and he's prone to seizures. I'm not sure telling him to just go to meetings is the right answer either.
Anybody?
We met in AA. I'm a Buddhist, and my recovery isn't typical AA, though I've been sober a long time. I don't care how he stays sober. I know I can't fix him, but I'm not sure what to tell him. He sounds like a bewildered innocent bystander. Part of the problem is that he isn't good about taking care of himself (care and feeding), easily succumbs to the wiles of the television, and forgets to be part of the human race. About all I can think of doing is to keep in touch with him. I've suggested he say the Serenity Prayer (not my thing, but it was a good place to start early in my recovery), but something isn't connecting there.
I don't think I'm quite ready to bail, but I'm not sure I want to hang around watching him slowly self-destruct either. When he drinks, he gets sick, and he's prone to seizures. I'm not sure telling him to just go to meetings is the right answer either.
Anybody?
On a tear
Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Volcano Country!
Posts: 3,221
Ngokpa,
Sorry no one has gotten back to you sooner, sometimes that happens. I think what you are feeling toward this man is the same thing most of us who care about addicts and alcoholics feel.... desperation and frustration at the destruction that is happening right before our eyes.
You would not be the first alcoholic to discover some benefit from Alanon...
I know my home group has more "double winners" than regulars at our meetings, and getting more all the time.
For those of us who love alcoholics, there is nothing we can do but "wait" for sobriety. What Alanon teaches me is to trust that a power greater than me might help keep me sane during the "waiting" time, and to help me see that many of my helping behaviors are typical... and often typically insane.... of many who love addicts/alcoholics.
When I started attending meetings, I started to discover similarities in the way we thought about addiction; similarities in our behaviors and sometimes, in our upbringing. Many of us had brought similar "tools" out of our childhood which didn't work as well in our current situation.
I hope you can find some Alanon meetings and give a few a try. I wish you the best.
PS - That is MY take from the point of view of an Alanonic Alchoholic... I would also like to see what some longtimers in AA would say about how that fits with 12th step work.
Sorry no one has gotten back to you sooner, sometimes that happens. I think what you are feeling toward this man is the same thing most of us who care about addicts and alcoholics feel.... desperation and frustration at the destruction that is happening right before our eyes.
You would not be the first alcoholic to discover some benefit from Alanon...
I know my home group has more "double winners" than regulars at our meetings, and getting more all the time.
For those of us who love alcoholics, there is nothing we can do but "wait" for sobriety. What Alanon teaches me is to trust that a power greater than me might help keep me sane during the "waiting" time, and to help me see that many of my helping behaviors are typical... and often typically insane.... of many who love addicts/alcoholics.
When I started attending meetings, I started to discover similarities in the way we thought about addiction; similarities in our behaviors and sometimes, in our upbringing. Many of us had brought similar "tools" out of our childhood which didn't work as well in our current situation.
I hope you can find some Alanon meetings and give a few a try. I wish you the best.
PS - That is MY take from the point of view of an Alanonic Alchoholic... I would also like to see what some longtimers in AA would say about how that fits with 12th step work.
Psalm 118:24
Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: ILLINOIS
Posts: 15,203
Watching others self destruct has kept me sober. There but for the grace go I. We can only carry the message, we can't carry the alcoholic.
I had to want to become sober more then anything else. If, he doesn't want to go to any length, to stay sober you can't make him stay sober.
Seems to be the problem with people coming out of treatment, they don't make AA top priority. 90 days and 90 meetings helped me to stay focused. Are you willing to take him to a meeting every day? Is he willing to go to a meeting every day?
I had to want to become sober more then anything else. If, he doesn't want to go to any length, to stay sober you can't make him stay sober.
Seems to be the problem with people coming out of treatment, they don't make AA top priority. 90 days and 90 meetings helped me to stay focused. Are you willing to take him to a meeting every day? Is he willing to go to a meeting every day?
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