Sharing Dismay
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Join Date: Jan 2003
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Sharing Dismay
In her book "You Own The Power", Rosemary Altea shares a story about a husband and wife who had been married a number of years. He liked to drive fast. That scared her. He considered her feelings on this subject "bitching and moaning". Rosemary goes on to say...
"Was she bitching and moaning? It certainly seemed like it to him, because, boy...he had been hearing the same old complaints for more than fifteen years. But I believe she was just desperately trying to share her dismay. To express her feelings, in the hope that one day he might accept and understand that her feelings actually mattered. Even if he couldn't understand why she was afraid, she lived with the hope that it might matter to him enough one day for him to respect and love her and act accordingly.
When does a simple act of sharing dismay and distress become bitching and moaning? Perhaps the old adage, "familiarity breeds contempt" is an apt phrase here. We become too familiar with someone complaining about the same things and we shut off, become irritated and instead of addressing problems, we ignore them. And in doing so, we become disrespectful.
When one person deliberately ignores or disregards the feelings and emotions of another, a thousand reasons do not make one good excuse. We have all been guilty of behavior like this at one time or another.
Living your life, as I did as a child, being abused - and make no mistake, verbal and emotional abuse are just as bad as physical abuse - living this way, having to take abuse or choosing to take abuse, whichever way it is...is debilitating. It takes away, lessens your power, you feel powerless in its grasp. The abuser wins, is powerful, holds power over you and becomes the controlling force in the relationship. The truth is that all abusers, without exception, try to take control of others because their own lives are out of control. Insecure, lacking a sense of self-worth and self-esteem, they feel inadequate, powerless and afraid. Stripping someone else of power boosts them, makes them feel more important, more powerful and in control, but only for a time."
"Was she bitching and moaning? It certainly seemed like it to him, because, boy...he had been hearing the same old complaints for more than fifteen years. But I believe she was just desperately trying to share her dismay. To express her feelings, in the hope that one day he might accept and understand that her feelings actually mattered. Even if he couldn't understand why she was afraid, she lived with the hope that it might matter to him enough one day for him to respect and love her and act accordingly.
When does a simple act of sharing dismay and distress become bitching and moaning? Perhaps the old adage, "familiarity breeds contempt" is an apt phrase here. We become too familiar with someone complaining about the same things and we shut off, become irritated and instead of addressing problems, we ignore them. And in doing so, we become disrespectful.
When one person deliberately ignores or disregards the feelings and emotions of another, a thousand reasons do not make one good excuse. We have all been guilty of behavior like this at one time or another.
Living your life, as I did as a child, being abused - and make no mistake, verbal and emotional abuse are just as bad as physical abuse - living this way, having to take abuse or choosing to take abuse, whichever way it is...is debilitating. It takes away, lessens your power, you feel powerless in its grasp. The abuser wins, is powerful, holds power over you and becomes the controlling force in the relationship. The truth is that all abusers, without exception, try to take control of others because their own lives are out of control. Insecure, lacking a sense of self-worth and self-esteem, they feel inadequate, powerless and afraid. Stripping someone else of power boosts them, makes them feel more important, more powerful and in control, but only for a time."
To Life!
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: Rhode Island
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Gabe;
I like this one. It shows the pain in both sides of the problem being addressed. As we tend to the victims, we often overlook the pain inside of the abuser. Only natural, I suppose. But, I see kids in school all the time that are angry. And there's something going on; something that hurts them so much that they need to act out in rage. If we could mend that hurt, how much more pain could be avoided.
No, this is NOT to take away from the victim. It's just that there are two victims in these cases. The victim that acts out often has their pain ignored.
Thanks for sharing this.
Shalom!
I like this one. It shows the pain in both sides of the problem being addressed. As we tend to the victims, we often overlook the pain inside of the abuser. Only natural, I suppose. But, I see kids in school all the time that are angry. And there's something going on; something that hurts them so much that they need to act out in rage. If we could mend that hurt, how much more pain could be avoided.
No, this is NOT to take away from the victim. It's just that there are two victims in these cases. The victim that acts out often has their pain ignored.
Thanks for sharing this.
Shalom!
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Join Date: Jan 2003
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Originally Posted by historyteach
something that hurts them so much that they need to act out in rage.
I was just talking about rage with a friend, and I couldn't agree more.
Rage comes from hurt, of that I am sure.
It is a sign that something about a person's life is very out of balance.
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