shutterbug

I haven't seen or heard of him since February....yet thoughts of him are coming again daily now.

The only thing that has changed is the new job I'm at now. There's no reason he should be on my mind.

I got rid of this late-stage alcoholic and my obsession with him last year with the help of Alanon and this site. I don't know if it's the time of year or the songs on the radio that seem to all sound like his music or what, but I'm finding it harder to get him out of my head after months of not thinking about him at all. I don't understand it.

I fear going back to Alanon b/c last time I went the talk at the meeting sent me into a deeper depression. And I don't dare step one foot back into the friends and family forum again b/c my self-esteem can't take any more punches.

But I need something...what? I don't know, but something. It seems odd to me that now that my mind is being occupied by a job every day that I would start thinking about him now?

Any thoughts or suggestions?
I feel like crying, but that could just be my depression.

Ann

Shutterbug, I'm not sure I am reading you correctly, that Al-Anon helped you last year to get rid of the obsession, but now it depresses you, yes?

Maybe find what it was that helped before, and try it again.

Or, if Al-Anon is not for you, perhaps just training yourself to turn your thoughts whenever they go to him. Or sit down and write out a list of reasons that he was a bad choice last time to remind yourself of why you need to find a healthier relationship.

We codependents tend to be drawn to people with serious problems, and I think it is important to do whatever helps when you feel yourself being drawn to a person that you know would not be good for you.

I don't know if any of this will help, but I think the important thing is that you clearly recognize what is going on in your head and now you just need to find a way to get past it. Much like an addict who thinks too much of his drug.

Hugs
Ann

sunshinebluesky

are you even alittle depressed about anything else? i struggle with this issue too,but on more of an ongoing basis than you,and i am doing much soul searching also trying to figure out why. i think that sometimes when i am upset or depressed,even unconsciously,about something else--it brings back the upsets over the ex.this weekend i got that way out of nowhere--and i am so glad you posted because its making me think. the holidays--well,as ive stated tonite on different threads,i have no friends here. one of my sons is in another state,and i always miss him.my parents are long deceased and my only sibling (an a) is also in another state.yesterday was my dads birthday.i think that that was all bothering me without me realizing it. then i had some aggravation with my son and his girl.
which all maybe brought the ex to mind,and all the disappointment and anger.
or it could just be its the first holiday without your ex...and even though its been awhile,even though you are glad to be away from the relationship, like any loss the first holiday is always alittle tough.
i have to say i understand about your not wanting to go back to alanon for your reasons. sometimes i feel i need to not come here so often,as maybe it prolongs my dwelling in the past.

shutterbug

Ann...yes, Alanon depresses me now if I go to a meeting. Why? Because most people there are there b/c of a significant other and everything they talk about relates to how they deal with or handle themselves in regard to the S.O. It made me sadder b/c I had no one. I had kicked my alcoholic other out of my life and it was one of the hardest things I've ever done and I was glad to have him gone, but sad to be alone. I fear being alone for the rest of my life. I have always feared that is my fate. I left my last Alanon meeting in tears...went home and cried myself to sleep.

I don't think I'm missing him b/c of being without him this holiday b/c we never had a holiday together in the first place. Last Christmas I was in the middle of extricating him from my life....so maybe that's it. The anniversery of a difficult struggle to get away from him and all those feelings???

I'm depressed about a lot of things (I'm 15 months into a major depressive episode)...so that's nothing new.

I don't know...
I don't want to write down anything in regard to him b/c I know that putting that much effort into thoughts of him will make them stronger at this point. I initially wrote/journaled to get all those things out of me and most of them stayed down on paper....these are more like pictures in my head of him that keep popping up. Pictures of him playing his guitar and smiling at me and stuff like that.

I don't know...

splendra

(((Jenna)))

I wish when you went to the Alanon meeting (maybe you did)that you had told them your method of coping was to kick his alcoholic a$$ to the curb. If you did it seems like alot of people would have come up to you and asked where you found the courage and the strength. I admire you for having the courage to do that and I think it shows a lot of self esteem that you did so and, also faith that there must be someone better for you out there.

shutterbug

thanks Splendra...I did tell them, but I don't know if I was sure if it would stick at the time...I was fearful for several months that I would give into him again. (And I actually did have one relapse on a rare night when I was drinking and he showed up at a party I was at). Funny....when I took him home the next morning (to my dad's house where he was staying) his "other girlfriend" was sitting outside in her car waiting for him and somehow the drunk got his arm caught on the car and she peeled out, dragging him down the gravel alley for about a good 100-200 feet before she realized it. When my dad saw him several days later and asked why his face was gashed open so bad, he told my dad he got jumped by some guy in a bar after one of his gigs. Dad laughed when I told him what really happened.

Boy...I'm SO glad those days are over. I can't believe I ever ended up with a guy who had "a girlfriend" on the side. I'm truely ashamed of that more than anything. She would even show up at my house and talk to me for hours while we both would try to figure out how to get away from him. Far as I know....she's still with him. Poor thing....I really tried to help her get free from him along with me.

((((HUGS))))
You're terrific and really made me feel good about leaving him behind.

Kathy Z

There is so much experience, strength and hope to be shared at meetings that I hope you reconsider going back. Perhaps a different meeting? You know the saying.....take what you like and leave the rest. Not everyone is still with their alcoholic/addict. Just ending a relationship with someone who suffers this disease doesn't by any means *cure* us of our issues. They were there before we met our A's, and until we work our own program of recovery they will be there long after the A's aren't.

I've heard it said many times........I came here (reffering to Al Anon) for my A but I kept coming back for me. I've found that to be very true.

My other suggestion........say a prayer for him. Perhaps HP put him on your mind for that very reason. It isn't always about us, ya know?

I'm not sure what you were reffering to when you mentioned why you're staying out of the friends and family forum.......but between not going there, not going to meetings, not journaling about everything on your mind.....you really are choosing not to utilize alot of important tools of this program. You're on your way to isolating and that's a red flag that we need to work our program even harder.

Do you have a sponsor by any chance? If so get in touch with them asap. If not.......then get one asap. It doesn't have to be from a f2f meeting, many have had succesful relationships with sponsors right here online. It works if you work it, however you choose to work it.

Please continue to share, it really does help.

shutterbug

I've known what you said in the first two paragraphs for about a year now....third paragraph:been doing that for more than a year.

4th paragraph on is where I get hung up.
I don't go into the f and f forum here anymore b/c that was my the first place I found and how I found SR last year...then that led me into the mental health forum on a whim and then things started clicking and my mental illnesses all came to light. I got so wrapped up in my mental recovery efforts (b/c it was necessary to) that I had to put my codie recovery on hold. I was doing well until I came up against a different sort of relationship that I knew was bad and I went back to the f and f for support and suggestions about how to handle it. I was so wrapped up in my emotions that I posted the thread in a way and tone that angered some and sent others attacking me and the other person (also an SR member). I thought about never coming back to SR, but wanted to first voice my concerns and feelings in my home forum (mental health)...and people followed me in there to continue what felt like attacks (the mod even locked the thread without me asking for it to be locked b/c of what others were saying). I became suicidal for the worst time ever in my life. I have since ventured into other forums, but can not and will not step back into the F and F forum any time soon.

As for meetings, well....my former boss caused some very tramatizing things in my life last year and he is an alcohlic who's been attending AA meetings in that same building for years. I even discovered that my Alanon sponsor's husband was his AA sponsor. So besides becoming more depressed by the last meeting I attended....I have extreme anxiety just walking into that building now for fear of seeing my old boss.

I live in a small town and there is only one other meeting house close enough for me to attend and they only have meetings once a week and so every meeting is totally packed and I also have social anxiety disorder and become extremely uncomfortable in close quarters with people.

As for isolation....I'm a bipolar going through a major depressive episode (#2) and isolation for me is as much a nessesiti for me as air is, at times. In fact, I'm about to jump out of my skin at this very moment b/c I've been back in a work environment for two weeks now (after being off for nearly a year) and I'm not even getting enough alone time to sleep 8 hours (and I need 12-14 a day when this depressed).

Basically, until I can somehow address my codie stuff properly then I have sworn myself off from relationships with sig. others.

Anyway....that's it in a nutshell I suppose.

Thanks for your post to me.

Kathy Z

I like you have many *issues*. My husband is a cocaine addict, I have an addiction to painkillers, and I'm an adult child of alcoholics. Whoa! It can be overwhelming to decide exactly which issue to work on first, or how to juggle working on all three at once.

I belong to two other support groups online........one is Co Anon which helps me with my codie issues regarding my husbands addiction, and the other is a wonderful AlAnon site that has nightly chatmeetings that are as close to being in a f2f meeting as you can get, as well as message boards for sharing.

If you're interested in either sites please pm me and I'd be glad to give you the links. Just maybe it would help with the codie thing.

I guess for us the slogan First things first needs to apply so we can handle our recoveries the best way possible.

shutterbug

Kathy...I'm interested in the sites, but my PM box is full and I dont' have the desire to mess with it right now.