Autumn

Hmm. Is this multiple choice?

Then I guess my answer would be falling rocks. But I get your point. Mom always said, "You'll live...."

Feeling much better today.... took some angst out on moving 20 tons of snow this morning.

Thanks, NoCellPhone.

Luckyv2

I need this post to remind me that I in fact need to actually recognize what I am feeling at any given time and that is so hard for me to do really but I have decided that I am going to really work on it Thanks Autumn for the thread

Love Vic

Autumn

Hi Don. I have been mulling this over for awhile.

Sure - I suppose I fear rejection and wonder whether or not people like me, but it's pretty normal. I can handle criticism pretty well, so long as it's constructive. If it isn't, then yeah, I might plot revenge, retreat into my shell, or never want to come back. I get over it pretty quick though. I think it's normal for most people to feel these things from time-to-time. I have love/hate days with SR. I think you're pretty normal too, and that we're not the only ones.

But you know what? You have me thinking more about my offline relationships. I do well with casual acquaintances, like people at work. They would never guess in a million years all the turmoil I have inside. I'm the one who squeezes the whoopee cushion into the intercom. But I can tell you that I can't stand intimate family gatherings. I avoid them like the plague, particularly when it comes to my SO's family. I would have to get pretty juiced up first. Really, for the most part, I think all they know about me is what they hear. My relationship with them is cordial, but distant. I mean, I kiss them on the cheeks with genuine affection, but I don't really give too much of my inner self away.

A lot of this I think has to do with my upbringing; my Dad was a very private person, with only a couple of friends he saw on rare occasions, his side of the family being about 250 miles north of Detroit. He eventually abandoned me, and everyone else, including his parents and siblings. A sociopath, I think. My Mother has always been pretty detached, period. She could go years without a telephone - drove me nuts when I was a kid. Normal people had telephones, ya know. Sometimes when I talk to her, she's "all there", very warm and affectionate, and then other times, I can hear the wind blowing between her ears. I don't know anyone with a bigger heart than she has.... I dunno. What do you get when you cross an Aquarian who's 100% Polish?

Well Don, you sure have a way of pulling thoughts out of people's heads.



I think I'm doing okay though. Just a rough spot is all.

Now I'll engage my 4wd and haul a$$ (j/k). Seriously - I have pm's I haven't replied to in weeks. Plus I joined up over at SMART a few days ago, and I'm trying to focus and delegate which issues I need to work on first - prorastination being 1st on the agenda, I think.

Oh yeah.... I have four of Wayne Dyer's books. I read "Pulling Your Own Strings" in my late teens. His approach seems to very similar to CBT, and I think much of what I have learned from him has helped in many areas of life without my even being consciously aware. It just all made sense, and didn't take any real work to understand. In fact, since I don't watch telly unless it's educational (except for a rare sit-com), I was surprised when I was flipping through looking for a movie the other day that he was on. I'll have to be sure to catch him when possible and tape some of his shows.

Thanks for hearing my ramble, and for being here Don.

If there's anything else you or anyone else wants to toss in here, I won't be too far away.

Autumn

Hi Lucky.... your Christmas pup is adorable.

I'm glad you find this thread useful.

Five

Great post Autumn – sounds as if your slowly figuring things out. Its great to hear someone in recovery who seems focused on themselves. I thought I was just blowing in the wind – that everything OUTSIDE was controlling me: I really had no idea that I could have the power to change, and that others can help to. I was such a “what the hell guy – we are all gonna die anyway”. I guess the main thread through my recovery is the new concept of focusing on me, and REALISING that I can change – I know it may sound crass, but really coming to know what I am frightened off, what my weaknesses are, and then how to change them is not THAT difficult. The process of change is a skill we learn, I think, like a driver learns to drive. It just gets easier, and easier. Before I knew what peace arrives.

Great to read your current thoughts etc…

Autumn

Not like I should be, probably. But yeah, I guess I'm getting somewhere. It's all so friggin' heavy. You have come a long way, then. Thank goodness for your perseverance. I read your other thread, on being glad this is a challenge. Most days, I am too. Right now, everything seems so difficult. And it is. I agree with this. When I look at problems as one big mountain and not as separate issues, I run for the hills. Honestly, I think this is one of the most difficult times of my life.... I can't run away anymore.

It makes me think of Cherie (my girl). When she was an infant, I gave her paternal Grandmother temporary custody. She passed away, and I took her back. Without getting into the whole story, I petitioned the court and voluntarily terminated my rights. When it started getting too hard, I gave up. I don't know which is worse.... if she had been taken away, or making the decision I did. At that time, I was pretty clean, and had stopped taking drugs soon after she was born. I never used when I was pregnant. I drank only rarely after that. I tried so hard, and took parenting classes. She was having a lot of behavioral problems. She was diagnosed ADHD and was on Ritalin, which turned her into a zombie. I had her in a Catholic school (the public ones here are horrible). I took her off the Ritalin, and even tried homeschooling her, since she was having problems even in a better school. I gave up on her.... the day I signed off on my rights, I gave my pen to a friend, because I didn't know what to do with it. I miss her so much. She will always be my baby.

Now that I'm a little older, I look back on that and realize that I wasn't meant to raise children, and even if I had never ended up an alcoholic, I still wouldn't be. And I wasn't about to make any more babies to test the waters. Still, it doesn't make it any easier, because in my heart I think my own problems contributed to not having the ability to raise a child (without giving up).

I know through sources that she asks about me a lot. I have so much work to do, in so little time. It won't be long before she comes looking for me.

Thanks, Five.

I'm done for now.

Autumn

After I went on a cocaine binge and almost blew my heart up. It still wasn't enough to keep me from going back to using (alcohol) later in life.

If there are any lurkers out there reading this (especially young people), don't even consider going any further with drugs if you have started. If you are taking drugs and sleeping around, use condoms.

You don't know who else's life you might ruin besides your own. Drugs and alcohol are sneaky. It all starts out as fun and games. Maybe if I had never started in my teens, I would have been able to work on myself a little more, had my head screwed on a little better, and made better decisions.