Kenster

I've been on before and I've said the the usual stuff about "this time I mean it, I really wont have another drink" and yet everytime I have. I now feel as though this addiction completely controls my life. I'm only young - 35 actually and yet I now live like a recluse. I have / had loads of good friends who always tried to get me to do things but for the past 2 years I've made up every excuse I could so that I could sit in my flat on my own and get drunkpretty much every night.I've broken my heart over drinking so many times but now I feel like drinking has actually broken my spirit. I dont know if I have the strength of character to stop and I often feel as though I don't care if I wake up the next day or not because I know whats coming and I hate myself for it. I know theres no miracle cure, no magic wand to wave but at the moment I really don't like myself and I'm losing imterest in being here so I need to change something. I just dont know how?

Justme57

Hi there Kenster

Oh! how I relate to what you have posted. I drank for 37 years, the last 5-6 being in just the manner you describe . Waking to the thought " I wont drink today" then the battle for a couple of hours until my disease won, " well I will just have 1" Yeah right !!!! I hated myself for losing the battle, so I drank to cope with the self hate, then i hated myself more COS I drank. A vicious circle!

I used to finish work, and think OK I wont drink tonight, BUT I just might drop by the bottle shop and get some beer , IN CASE ! In case of what ?

It IS a vicious circle Kenster, and we have no control over it , UNTIL we recognise that fact , and adress it .

For me, that involved ringing AA and getting to a meeting. I was scared witless, had no idea what AA was, but knew I had to do SOMETHING! I was so desperate and beaten, I was willing to do ANYTHING that was suggested. And I did ! I now have 26 months of sobriety, and cannot believe how my life and my thinking has changed

i wish you the best luck with your decision

HUGX
Lee

Kenster

Not sure if it's right to say that i'm thankfull to see that someone else has lived exactly the same way as me, but I do feel as though i'm the only one to ever live like this. Can relate to you so much, I even make justify my last few drinks every night because there going to be the last one's ever have so I should really enjoy them.

Thanks for getting in touch, not sure if I'm ready for AA, but then again not sure about anything at the moment. thanks again.

K

Justme57

Hi again Kenster

I was SO glad to hear that there were others who had lived and felt like me. I heard that in the sharing at my first AA meeting, and was blown away . I was SURE I was the only one EVER to feel like me LOL

hey , you know what I did once ? I rang in sick to work while i was in a blackout, and of course did not remember in the am,and I went to work ! Bit embarrassing that was lol

keep posting and let us know how you are going

HUGX
Lee

Five

Sounds as if you starting to realise that you have a problem. I was the same as you: solitary drinking. I used to sit in my flat, thinking I was a great writer, not actually writing, but just fantasising and ruminating. It felt good, so the temptation was so strong. What I had to do was WAKE up from the illusion that alcohol was a source of GOOD in my life, that it was okay just to have a few. I guess the day I got sober my mind noticed really quickly the facts about my life: I was addicted to booze and was in a hopeless state. Although I am not into AA is that last sentence I wrote is pretty much the substance of step one. Mate, at the end of the day, if you drink you will drink – but you would be mad to expect it to change and suddenly for it not to become a problem. What do adults try and do with a problem? They try to fix it. I am not saying your being childish, I am sure your not, but it really should be a final and mature discion to stop putting yourself through the nightmare of addiction. Good luck, keeps us posted, and PM me if you like. Many roads, one journey.