tyler

it's not enough, it's never enough. I tried, but I just can't do it. I've just hurt her too much. I just give up. I don't care anymore. **** it all

mParnell

Are you talking about your surf board or is this a SO issue.

Long time no talk..

Doug

I don't know what's up man, but if you can, try to relax a bit. And try not to make any decisions, or take any actions, you may regret later.

If even you just type stuff randomly, its still better than acting out on what ever misery your feeling....

You won't always feel like you do now.

historyteach

(((Tyler)))
We're here....and we care....
Remember, be good to you...
You are a child of G*D deserving of all that is good...
Shalom!

Chy

(((Tyler))) we're listening.

Don W

Tyler, I'm here also. Deep down I don't think you want to give up. You've had some good moments. One time when I was putting time together and going back out I recieved a suggestion. One of the counselors at the New England Veterans Homeless Shelter, (Amos) told me. " Don, you've been able to stop, you've learned that," Now we need to discover what is keeping you from staying stopped." Well Tyler, it took a few more years but, I discovered there were other issues that needed to be dealt with. With myself I had PTSD, others have emotional issues. This is what I believe helps lead to change. I had to decide to go to any length. Sure I thought I had but, there is always more you can do. Posting on line that you're thinking of giving up is going a little further. You could have just not ever logged on again. Give yourself credit for that, I do. You see, I believe we have choices. Many times the best choice is the most difficult. This is the choice you made, the other would be the easy choice.
What you've done is one of the most difficult for me over the years. Going back or logging back and admitting I failed. Guess what Tyler, I didn't and neither have you. The very fact that you overcame this is admirable. I remember struggleing just like you. I'm doing well today. You are doing the very same thing that helped me. You've continued to try and post even when drinking. Don't give up, your moment of discovery could be just around the bend. I just feel there is something you're not dealing with. To me it sound like you sabotage your recovery. I did this for years. Happiness and success was so uncomfortable. I'd take it away before others could. I take it away in fear that others would discover my past behavior. I'd take it away because I knew deep in my soul that others mocked me and were almost as ashamed of me as I was of myself. Tyler, you just have to take a chance on us. We would give false hope. Many times my behavior was due to my false belief that I could read minds or others knew everything about me. Like when I got out of rehab, I almost quit my job. I didn't want to go back. I knew everyone was aware of me being a drunk and from rehab. I knew they were thinging pitiful thoughts of me. Truth most didn't know. Those that did shook my hand and felt it was great. I just wanted to say these things. Thinking you might identify with something. Something that will get you to log on tommoro and listen and talk somemore. See you in morning Tyler. Don w

roadie58

Tyler, SHUT UP with that talk. I can say that cos I've been in your shoes before my friend. I thought, what the F, I'll have this disease for life, I've tried, I can't beat it, might as well just throw in the towel and get wasted.

That feeling did not last very long before I discovered step ZERO. Lying on my basement floor because it was the coolest place in the house, sweating profusely from snorting several grams of coke, stinking to high heaven from days of heavy drinking. Shades drawn, answering machine full of messages, not even bathing or eating. I wanted to end it all. Dude, I was lucky enough to NOT DIE. God had other plans for me.

Now I'm six months clean, an intergroup rep, on various committees, and I do everything I can to help others. It's my mission. I've finally found a purpose for being here on this little blue marble and YOU CAN TOO.

Just don't give in to the devil and his illness. These drugs can kill you, but only if you let them. Take an active part in your recovery, remember it's an ACTION PLAN.

C'mon back man, PM me, let's whup this thing together!

tyler

sorry guys. just got to the point i couldnt' handle the pain anymore. bottle of rum was a quick fix, though i'm in a different kind of pain this morning. last few days, brother got married, my son and ex were there, hoped it might bring us closer, but it just hurt more. my uncle died the day before the wedding and everyone had to go back east for the funural so i'm alone with my thoughts, not good. my grandmother was rushed to the hospital yesterday afternoon and is not expected to get out. the funural tour will continue i guess. the drinking was a combo of self abuse and pain relief, kinda wierd combo i guess. spent most of the nite considering more permenent pain relief solutions, but i'm still around. i just try to focus on my little boy and the wonderful art work he brough for me, he's all that's left good in my life and i don't feel like i deserve him either. i'll try to stop wallowing now, maybe go for a walk or something. i don't mean to scare anyone, just don't have anyone to talk to.

bikewench

yes...
your little boy needs you.... so much...
sometimes... we have to use a higher purpose to stay clean...
I did it for my daughter...
and it was enough to get me clean enough to start to see the insanity of what I do...
but.. I've always struggled against that feeling of not feeling invested in my own life...
like I'm not worth living for...

prisoners of our own thoughts...

stay close Tyler...

we're here for you... always...

Chy

I'm so sorry for the tough time you've gone through. Just know we're here for you.

roadie58

CALL ME dude! I sent you my cell number. I'll be out for a noon meeting, but should be home rest of the day.

I do understand how you're feeling. A few years back, my best friend in the world, my grandpa, was hit by a truck and killed instantly. My Mom was in a nurseing home at the time and passed away soon after. We buried her on Christmas Eve.

It does suck, but death is part of life. It's much better to be sober and aware of your feelings during this time. Yes it's painful but YOU WILL GET THROUGH IT and be thankful that you were fully aware of what was going on around you. DOn't sleep through this part of your life. Your other family needs you to be strong right now. You don't want to miss your Grandmother's funeral because 'Daddy's sick' do you?

There are steps to the grief process and if you drink or use, you'll just delay the ineveitable. Someday you will have to go through all the grieving, so just might as well get it over with so you can get on with LIVING, okay?

Now, promise to keep in touch, take the dog for a walk, drink some water and pray for all the people in your life.

I'll be expecting a call.

Roadie.

nocellphone

Not weird at all. That's what it always is. Problem is that the pain is never erased, only deferred, and when it comes back, it comes back bigger than ever. I've found that, no matter how painful, it's always better to go through it than around it. As some very wise people said, "The only way out is through" and "You can't heal what you can't feel".

No need to apologize for doing what you felt you needed to do, Tyler. What's more important is what you do now, from this moment onward, to find some healing rather than more of the same pain...

You're worth whatever it takes to stay sober, serene and alive, Tyler. We ALL are.