nutz

1 year clean and sober ....mmm again.

ThaNKS YOU Everybody for saving my ass.
I couldn't do it without any of you.
This site and the peaple here made a differents.
Everyone of you made up a part of my recovery.
I read a lot of post even thou I don't reply to them. It helps a lot.
New ideas that I havn't heard of or applied
The love, and tolerance....even on here.
The compassion and understanding but not afriad of telling me like it is.
Mmmm...like , tell'in me to get my ass to a meeting on my first post.lol
Which was the last thing I want to hear or do.
Hell...even dangerousDan had to listen to me whine.
Of course...I didn't think anybody could understand or have the experience.
JZ actually heard me cried.....it's been a while.

You all made a world of differnents, especailly in the first couple of weeks
or months, last year. I relapsed after 11 years and lost touch
with the fellowship. Not new to recovery, but I was a newcomer
and didn't know any of the new faces in the meetings.
It was tourture to sit in the meetings for a while. Then I had
to admit that i relapsed to peaple thaT I didn't know.
The court appointed newbies that worked the steps in 30 days.....good lord
But they had more clean time than me.lol
" I'm exactly where I'm suppose to be".....good god
Nothing, absolutly nothing happens by mistake in GOd's world.
I pretty much knew what I needed to do......but
I couldn't swollow my pride. U kno... I thought I was different.
The encouagement and ESH I got here kept me go back or
the courage to walk thourgh the doors again in the first place.
It arrested my active using and gave me a chance.

Holy schmoly... it's been a trip and a half.
A journey to the 4th..
...mmm maybe that's just how the Elmighty
gets me to go to all meetings. That was just a little bit
of how wacked out I was, of just two weeks of drinking.
I had night sweats and my body ached all over.
I was physicailly sicker than a dog, barely funtional, depressed as hell.
And I had convinced myself that I wasn't an alki/addict by that time.
And the damn store clerk ringing up the bottle be I say anything...man O, man.

I remember getting the dates and time mixed up. I'd go to a meeting
and nobody would be there...mmm cop a resentment
then look at the meeting schedule.lol

I was mentally, physicailly, spritually, and emotionally bankupt.
No, I wasn't homeless this time, but I felt...it was *%$K up, or NUTZ !!!
I knew drinking/using was just a symtom of my problems.
I was wacked long before I even relapsed.
I stop going to meetings, working the step and whole nine yards.
It didn't happened over night but it caught up to me eventaully.
And of couse..I'm one of those that said I'll never relapsed too.lol
Not me...I work a good program. " It works, if you work it".lol
Right back to the basics...oneday at a time and a daliy reprieve.

I'm doing much better today. This past year had been full of events.lol
It's been sad, crazy, mad, scary, happy, joyful, chacotic, peaceful,
quiet, still, hot, cold, lonely,insane,juvelent, graceful, touture,
laughters, tears.

It's been a process of taking down walls for me.
I learned at very young age to shut out, build walls and shut down.
Incomprehenceable demorlizations ???
" instance blackout".
" I had a pill for every ill and I was sick a lot"

I don't have all the answers...nor wish to know some of it.lol
I don't have it all figured out. Hell ..I don't even know the price
of tea in china. I'm working on my 7th step. I made a committment
to keep myself on this step for 90 days. I'm doing the 90days thing.
90 days for every steps. It's the first time I did this step in this manner.
And there's been changes in the past 90days. Some of it I like, and
some it I don't. The changes I see now , I tend to observe myself
more. Ooo....u know, If think this person should be doing this or that,
I look at how I can apply that to myself, to better myself.
Not beating up on myself or others.
Taking my own advise and shuting my mouth at the same time.
Just observing or being more aware of whats really going on.
It takes effort. I'm not perfect at it, but I'm more aware of it.
An awakening.lol
I know what to do....It's the doing part.lol
Mmmm...didn't somebody mentioned...it's a program of actions.lol
yeah, kind of like me gettting my butt to a meeting.

bikewench

Bless you nutz...

One more light shining blindingly in the darkness... ;o)

shockozulu

Congrats on the year, nutz

j'ade d'arcy

congrats on your year!!

Don W

Thank you nutz but, we just incourage and guide. You've done the work. And a great job at that. Did you find approaching 1 year difficult? Don't know why but, I did and many others also. Sort of Alcoholism trying one last grasp to pull you back. For new people to see your post helps do what we do. Help others. Don W