Being Honest

I am new here and just wanted to say hi. I typed out a whole long post but when I went to post it, it said I wasn’t logged in, so if it shows up again, I do apologize.

First off, I would like to say that I don’t believe in coincidences, and there is a reason that I "stumbled upon" this forum this morning. In 1993, I was drinking and using, and I hit "my bottom" and was court ordered to go to rehab for 28 days. I guess you could say I have been "playing the game" and going to meetings here and there, but something deep down inside of me just does not feel "right," if that makes any sense. A comment was made at a meeting I went to at one point that if a person could drink one or two drinks and then stop, then that person wasn’t necessarily an alcoholic. Well, I actually believed that (probably because I didn't want to believe the alternative) and I haven’t used since 93, but I have drank occasionally. When I drank, I didnt drink to the point of passing out or blacking out. It was basically justified by things like "well, it’s Friday and I have had a long week," or "I just need to relax," and so on.



When I go to meetings, I don’t share, I am extremely introverted, and so full of fear of what people are gonna think or I am going to be judged in one way or another. I only listen when I go, and when I hear other people’s stories, I think that I don’t have it so bad. But I know that way of thinking is wrong. I am not any better than the next person, and deep down, I know I’m an alcoholic and an addict, but even typing that, it is hard for me to admit it.



Sorry for rambling on, just wanted to come here and maybe get your guys' input as it seems that surely someone here has been where I am and any advice or helpful comment is greatly appreciated. Thanks in advance.

I am Just:
Being Honest

wantneeda

hey, Welcome to SR Being Honest!!!
glad you found your way here
keep coming back!!...or just stay
i'd say its your ego that is trying to keep you from sharing at meetings, kick that ego to the curb. Look for the similarities not the differences. We look different on the outside but our disease is the same.
one day at a time
hugs, Wendy

nocellphone

...and yet you were able to get honest with yourself and us just then. Good job! It's a good first step and just may save your life in the long run...

I hope you will find a way past the blocks that keep you on the fringes of recovery and that you will become willing and able to embrace a fellowship that is waiting to embrace you.

Don W

Hi Welcome to SR. I have experenced many of the things you've posted. What has helped me is setting traps for myself. Example, I sit up front, I tryed to go to discussion groups. Even if I said," Pass" I spoke. You have to give yourself credit for the whole picture. I can hear myself, in the past, devalue everything I do. " I go to meetings but, I don't share.? The thought should be, Your going to meetings and working on sharing. This isn't an all or nothing process, I don't think anyway. I also treat my "ism" in the 3rd person at times. In your case, your " ism" wants you to feel that " You weren't that bad. Your alcoholism is an expert on your mind. It will try every trick to get you back. There isn't any need to say your sorry here. I've been sober for 2 1/2 years and my posts are way longer than your's. All I can say is that you need to give yourself credit and time. We'll handle the encouragement and help. Don W

Being Honest

Thank you all for the welcome and the feedback!! I want to get better, and I know just because I'm not drinking or using, my mind still plays tricks on me. Guess that's the whole problem. I really appreciate you all being here. I have a husband of 17 years (not an alcoholic or user) and two teenagers, but they don't seem to understand what alcoholism as a disease is. Therefore, my husband treats me like I shouldnt be "labeled." He is not open to go to Al-Anon so he really just doesnt "get it." He has, on occasion, gone to a few open speaker meetings with me but he just listens like we are just a bunch of crazy drunk people. I do like the speaker meetings because those are the ones that I really DONT have to talk at....yet!

Anyway, I just wanted to say thanks for allowing me to be here and share! I try real hard not to have self-pity, but perhaps it is something that just comes along with my disease. Thanks again.

BH