Michelle37

Hi Everyone,
I'm actually not Michelle, I'm her husband. She is in the shower and left this open on her computer. At first I was really happy to see that she is coming to this forum, but just now I noticed something that really concerns me. In her profile I can look at her last posts. In most of them she talks about how I helped her come off of oxycontin nearly a year ago. It was a terrible time and she was so sick!! Even tried to sneak some oxycontin into the house during the process. Then I see this post under the newbie board where 'Chelle talks about oxycontin again and says something like "I'm coming off of them too...it's been a week." I doublechecked, it's my Chelle for sure.
Should I talk to her about this? I don't want to know in some ways if that even makes sense. I am really close to her sponser and could call her. I just don't know. Chelle, if you see this post come talk to me. I love you and I'm scared for you. Anyone else please just help me. Don't know how to deal with this and I love her and afraid she's doing it again and going to die. We have kids. Please help.
Kurt.

CAPTAINZING2000

You say she has a sponser?

I hope, you can get some positive feedback on this. I'm not up on this drug and how people react to it.

Anna

Wow,

My primary feeling reading this post is why are you invading your wife's privacy? I understand you love her and want to help, but, in my opinion, the way to do it is to talk to your wife.

Anna

CAPTAINZING2000

Yeah Anna,

never thought about it or, actually I did. I wouldn't make mention to your wfe you had. Might be a trigger

Michelle37

I don't know what to say to this....at all. When I found this thread, I just wanted to die...and frankly I'm not feeling a hell of a lot better with time. Kurt's on his way home right now, having decided to take some more time off of work to "deal with me." I feel like a bad little kid...even though I am sober today...and wondering why I'm bothering...
Thank you for all of you that said he was invading my privacy...it's nice to know that someone out there is in my corner. As far as I go...I don't know if I am going to stay here on the forums now...I am so embarrassed and humiliated.

Michelle.

Anna

Michelle,

In my opinion, ir's your husband who should be embarrassed and humiliated. My husband knows about SR and that I spend time here, but when I was reading your husband's post, I just felt so uncomfortable! But, your husband probably needs to see you being sober for awhile before he trusts you. That will take patience on your part.

You can always change your user name and/or set a new password. I hope you stay.

Love, Anna

CAPTAINZING2000

I don't think any less of you for this. You're just trying to stay clean and sober. That's why most of us are here!!!


We need you and you need us

Chris

Michelle37

I can't stay long, because my "guard" is downstairs making coffee...but I wanted to thank you all for your support. I think I'm going to go to an online meeting tonight to see if I can get my head screwed back on...I wanted to go out to a meeting, but apparently until Kurt's satisfied that there are "no oxy's in this house", I'm not allowed out of his sight. First off, I may as well take this time to admit that yes, I did relapse. I'm sorry to all of you...I threw my back out and yeah...I let the doctor give me my Oxycontin's back knowing that they were going to put me back to the beginning. The problem now is that I didn't take more than two, stashed the rest...and I know Kurt's going to find them during his tirade...and then he's going to think I've been taking them for a lot longer than I did. (I only took two...) He's got another two weeks off now...so I'm stuck with him being my jailler for the next 14 days...uggg! I'm fighting so hard not to go and get them and take a couple more...I know that if I chew them up they will make this whole mess seem so much easier to take...
BUT then I also know that it would prove him right...and blow the time I've put in since...and I feel like a liar right now...
I'm just hanging on by a thread right now...and this was the only place I felt safe and now it feels like he's taken that away from me. And I don't know what to do about these stupid pills now because I'm terrified he's going to find them...Oh GOD WHAT DO I DO???

Anna

Well, Michelle, I think you are still safe here. As I said, you can PM or email me anytime.

How about telling your husband the truth? I know you feel like he's a jailer but, maybe if you opened up about what was going on and that you had more pills hidden, he'd become a bit more trusting and you could use his support.

Hang in there and do this for you Michelle.

Love, Anna

CAPTAINZING2000

TELL HIM WHAT YOU TOLD US.

THERE'S SOME THINGS THAT ONLY YOUR SPONSER NEEDS TO HEAR .
However, there are some things you should be able to set down and discuss with him.
If, you don't have communication with your spouse, who can you talk to??

Michelle37

Thanks Anna! Thanks so much. With your help, I did tell him and he's getting them right now. After which, he says we have to have a long talk. Kurt did promise me though, that he's not going to leave me, and that all he wants to do is love me through this...which really made me feel better, even though I didn't know until he said it how concerned I really was about that.
So, I should go now...he's back and he's waiting to talk to me. Thank you all for your help. Without you, I know I would never have told him the truth.

I owe you all my life for this 24.

Michelle.

nocellphone

Privacy invasion notwithstanding, I re-read Kurt's post and he does say he loves you, Michelle, and also that he's afraid for your health and your life.

Hopefully, he can gain some insight into the disease of addiction so that he will learn not to blame you for the behaviors you might not have had control over. In Al-Anon, we learn to detach with love from the behaviors of our addicted loved ones. Today I am able to hate the disease but not the one who suffers from it...

Unfortunately, relapses happen. Thank God this one wasn't fatal. Hopefully, you'll use this experience as motivation for recommitting to your recovery. Everyone in your home stands to benefit from it!

Anna

Michelle, I am so glad. You are lucky to have your husband's support and to be facing this with honesty between you.

I wish you well and I hope you keep posting. You can find lots of support and encouragement here.

Love, Anna

Don W

I can only say that I would be upset if my wife went in to check on me. There are so many confusing statements posted here that those without an issue might take the wrong way. This is nothing short of opening your mail. And when you add the factor that he is reading all of our thoughts. Many of us talk freely here without concern of judgement being passed. I know sometimes I rant and rave and make statements. The last thing I would need is for my wife to take something out of context. He should talk directly to you about concerns. He is also violating our privacy. The bottom line this behavior will do nothing tohelp and only hurt. My question to him would be, how often has he done this? And second, you need to change your password and be sure to log off. Don W

Michelle37

Well folks...
Here we are at the end of another long day...and certainly the end of one hell of a drama. As you know, my husband found this open on my computer when I was in the shower, and took it upon himself to go and view ALL the posts I've ever made in SR from day one, adding insult to injury by posting above requesting help from everyone because basically...he figures I've relapsed.
Okay...so then he toddles off to work, closing down the SR window before he leaves...I suppose in an effort to conceal what he's done...and I get out of the shower and log back on to the SR forums only to find that the last post was supposedly MINE!! I called my sponser immediately, because a terror seized my heart as I read his post to you all. When I found her phone busy, I frantically posted in the relationships portion of SR and waited for * to tell me her phone line was free. Finally, the phone rang...and my sponser informed me that she'd been talking all this time with KURT, who had phoned her the minute he got to work!!
I was so mad that I hung up on my sponser and called my husband at work just screaming...which resulted in him becoming even more convinced that I was relapsing, immediately leaving work to "deal with me." By this point, I'm so embarrassed about his post here, and feeling like my world is just so damn small, that all I want to do is crawl into a hole and die...but instead, I post here and tell you all about it...in retrospect this is likely what kept me from going to my stash and trying to drown my sorrows in an oxy haze...because really, by that point I'm going "what's the point...he he's I've gone and done it anyways!!"
Fast Forward to my husband walking through the door. I've hidden and rehidden my stash about twelve times by this point, and I'm literally sweating bullets. I'm upstairs waiting for him to come up and scream at me or yell at me or something...and I'm so convinced that he's going to be angry and stomping up the stairs that when he appears in front of me I actually jump a mile high in the air! And you know what? He didn't scream...he walked up to me and grabbed me in this sort of bear hug, and kisses my head and basically tells me that he's not mad, he loves me, he's not leaving me and that he's scared I'm going to kill myself with this. Then he asked me where the pills were, and like any good addict, even though I was completely caught red-handed...I lied again and told him I didn't have any more. (rolls eyes)
Which then led to him going downstairs to brew coffee to settle in for a full-scale search of the premises, and me upstairs here wanting nothing more than to chew a couple of my stash and get rid of the awful feelings that were choking me. Once again, my frustration and anger led me to SR to post as opposed to the pill bottle to numb out. By this point, you people had already given me so much support that I felt like you were the only ones I could turn to at that moment. And then came the replies to my anger and fear...the replies that heard my cries of: "I don't want to lose my stash...what do I do?" and said "You lose your stash, get honest and regain your self." One person in particular really held me by the hand and helped me to get honest...and I didn't even know any of you people before today!!!! It's amazing, how far reaching the hands of this program really are. Thank you all so much!!
Well...now for the long awaited end of this story...
Kurt came back upstairs and I told him that I did still have the Oxys, and explained how I felt vulnerable and frightened about not having them in the house. He was really great, went and got them right away and we sat, had coffee and talked. I had to come clean about what had happened with the doctor, and he did count the pills in the bottle to make sure I was telling the truth...I guess it takes awhile to regain that trust...but he's not angry and even though he's still insisting on taking two weeks off of work, he's agreed that the kids don't have to go to his sister's if I don't go through withdrawals. (I know I won't, I took two pills four days ago...and that was the first time in nearly a year!!)
I'm still feeling pretty embarrassed and upset about what happened, but I've also come to realize that in all liklihood, my husband's meddling saved me from a far worse relapse than two pills. I had been obsessing on the damn things since I brought them home, and realistically, it was only a matter of time before I came up with a justification good enough. Who knows, maybe he wouldn't have been able to intervene in time at all...
All I'm saying is that this reminded me once again to really look at Step One, and the powerlessness I am faced with each and every time I give in to this disease. Thank HP for my meddling husband and all of you that posted giving me the strength to get honest and face up to what was really going on.

Still sober...and still under husband imposed house arrest for 14 days....

Michelle

nocellphone

Wow... Recovery works!

Thank you so much for your honesty, Michelle. You may never know how beneficial your words will be to someone struggling with this disease...

CAPTAINZING2000

Hmm

what a thread,

takes a while to get trust back again.

You stay clean, you'll have earned his trust back. If not, that's his problem.

One thing I've found, the longer I'm sober and clean, the more serene.

The 12 promises hold true for so many of us.

Chris

lonlion

Michelle, I do understand how you feel, but I also understand your husband's perspective. I relapsed last year, and did not want to tell my daughters/but I did, if that makes sense.

We are told to work an honest program. Because it was not that long for your relapse, you were still hiding it. In my opinion it was fate that you left this site open, and definately your HP wanted this to come out and be dealt with before it went on too long.

True you only took a few, but keeping the rest "Stashed" would have constantly be on your mind, and inevitably when things weren't going right, you knew where they were if you wanted to take more.

Your husband sounds supportive, and just look at how understanding and loving he was in the aftermath of finding out. In time you will be so grateful that this happened. No more guilt for the secret you have kept etc. We sure as hell don't judge you here, if anything we feel stronger for you for dealing with this maturely. Now you're really working your program girl!

When there is deception in a relationship, whether it is with drugs or other partners, the trust has been destroyed. Maybe he was wrong to read what you wrote, but if we have nothing to hide, then we hide nothing.


Give that man a big hug, and be grateful that he is supportive and loves and cares enough about you to be there for you.

Just my 2 cents, and Michelle, you will see in time that this happened for a reason, and you will put it in perspective and be so grateful. Honesty is always the best policy.

Love and hugs and prayers to you and your hubbie

Diana

Anna

Michelle, I'm so happy things worked out this way for you. I think a lot of us addicts lie very easily. It's part of what we do and I know, for me, it was hard to overcome. But, this was a big step forward for you and I know, with your husband's support, you're going to be alright. As you said trust takes awhile, so try to be patient with him. He will see what you are doing and trust will return. I can't imagine how full of fear my husband must have been when I stopped drinking, but time does help.

Love, Anna

Michelle37

I just wanted to post really quickly to thank you all once again, and to let you know that I'm still updating daily, but in the interest of grabbing a little humility, have opted to do so in the Newcomers forum.
Thank you all for your help and support...it means so much to me and certainly makes this journey a lot easier to make. If there is an easier softer way, truly it is only found through the fellowship of this program.

Michelle.