Doug

To know oneself, one should assert oneself.
--Albert Camus

We learn about ourselves by bumping up against something solid. By throwing ourselves into a project, meeting an obstacle we can't overcome, perhaps making some mistakes, we learn what we are capable of and what we are not. We are not here to live a comfortable and placid life. Our task is to grow and learn, to make a contribution, and to have some tranquility while we do. The only way we can achieve those goals is to assert ourselves, find out where the solid limits are, and assert our right to make mistakes in the process.

When we first learn to drive a car, we over steer and hit the brakes too hard or too softly. In the process we learn how to feel what is just right. When we are learning to ask for what we need and to make a place for ourselves, we may ask too demandingly at times. That is not bad. It is how we will learn to do it well.

Today, I will have opportunities to assert myself. I will take the risks required to learn.

Don W

Thanks for the reminder Doug. Don W

Ann

This is a good reminder for me too, Doug. Just today, at least 3 times, I have said "yes" or "well okay" when I really meant "not in my lifetime". I'm clearing my head and clearing my throat, so lookout world...here she comes

Hugs
Ann

Hopefloats

Great message here Doug. Being assertive is different that being aggressive. Finding our voice helps us with this. It is very liberating to be able to speak up for who you are and what you need. I have yet to regret doing so...
Hopefloats

Grimnar

Wow... this really hit home for me today. Thanks for sharing.

I am not a big fan of confrontation. But I am finding I need to change that. Not that I want to be a jerk per se. Only by standing up for myself will I respect myself at the end of day.

historyteach

I've had a difficult time with asserting myself often.

I dislike confrontation very much and usually will avoid it to the max. But, there are times I have had to speak out.

When I try to assert my self; my rights; my thoughts, I've been told I'm blunt or even a b*tch. Now, I know where *some* of that comes from, and I'm able to dismiss people whose intent is to put me or keep me down - or at least get over them really quick.

But, I've reflected on much of this type of thing for a few years now.

Is stating what I want "blunt?"
Or is that just another put down.

With students, I'll say,(for example), "I want you to sit down now." Not angry but firmly. They hear me and know that is exactly what I mean. I don't normally have a problem as a result of this firmness mixed with REAL caring for them.

With other adults I state what I want just as firm, but then told I'm "blunt" or a b*tch." Even when they know I really care about them...

Please know, usually I will ask for something. Indeed, I've been laughed at for being such a codie as to hem and haw about what is needed and what they might like, while I'm asking for something for myself. Not good, I know. But, then, if whatever is important to me, I state my needs.

I took an assertiveness class years ago when I was studying a behavior modification method. I learned to do exactly what I'm doing when I'm asking for what I want or need.

This doesn't make sense to me. Unless it's just the same ole "shyte." But, you know what, I'm 50, I'm NOT rude, and I don't need any BS anymore.

So, while I don't LIKE conflict, there are definately times I will stand up for what I need; what I know. I suppose if others don't like it, that's really THEIR problem.

Don't know if I've worked anything out here. It's a tough call for me.
Shalom!

Don W

Many times I have asserted myself but, in the wrong way. Aserting myself was to either overract or feel guily for speaking my mind. Even the simplest thing like say, I'm a Red Sox fan. If the other person mentioned he was a Yankee fan, right away my concern was offending him. Even though I hated them, I'd find first, a way to say something nice about them, then state I liked them and then they are one of my favorites also. Just being me, was an impossible assertion. Of couse many times, I wanted to be included in their next round bought. Don W

undrunken

What a coincidence, or is it divine intervention from my higher power to see this thread tonight? Assertiveness....in the right measure at the right time, right? I learned a valuable lesson about the program in my homegroup meeting tonight. I drew extra attention to myself by eagerly answering a general question posed to newcomers with a self-centered soliloquy. Worse, I did it out of turn. (The group I'd visited all week sort of spoke up randomly on any topic) Who knew that this group's open discussion went in clockwise fashion? It unfolded before me like a trainwreck. It's funny, I guess. I have to laugh at myself for being kind of a spazz in all my newcomer zeal. I think the oldtimers may have done me a big favor though. They may have prevented me from getting too far down the road with wax in my ears. The intent of this program is to keep me sober, and it will. Thank God for the uncomfortable moments along the way that make it work.
Assertiveness. Use it and learn.