filly2787

I have a friend who I care about very much that has a problem with heavy meth abuse. I have never confronted her on the issue, but it has severly affected our relationship. Coming from a background where I know a fair share about addiction of a different sort, I am very hesitant about bringing my concerns to her because I understand how badly that can backfire and how little anyone but the addict can truely do. However, we are going to schools across the country this year, and I don't think that I can leave town and be okay with myself if I don't do something. Here's my maybe-plan , and I'd really like some feedback PLEASE as soon as possible.

For graduation instead of giving gifts we decided to write each other letter. She has given me mine, but I have yet to give her hers. My letter to her talks about the depth of our friendship, what I admire so much in her, and what an incredible person I think she is. It is totally sincere and very positive and affirming. I have a second letter, however, that I was considering adding after the current graduation letter. I am copying it below. Tell me what you think:

Okay, so there ends the graduation letter. This next bit is a little rockier. I don’t know if I’ll ever actually give you this letter. It would be so much easier not to. I’m writing it out because I don’t trust myself to say it. I might chicken out. I might screw it up even worse. And there’s something comforting about getting it all out on paper.

I’m really scared.

What I’m going to say might make you really angry or upset, but that’s okay with me. See, I care more about you and your future than our friendship; I’d rather you hate me than die. Sorry, but I’m trying to get my thoughts across, and that’s what I’m sitting here thinking.

I meant everything I said about you being incredible, and strong, and beautiful, and someone I admire. That’s why I can’t just sit and do nothing, which trust me, from my perspective beats the hell out of confrontation. But most of the time the easy thing isn’t the right thing.

I can’t force you to change anything, and I wouldn’t dream of trying. It’s your life, and I get that. I would understand if it feels like I’m butting in where it’s not my business, and I’m sorry but I care about you way too much. You mean way too much to me for me to sit around with my arms crossed.

Maybe you feel like I’m being melodramatic, creating a problem where none exists. But ****, I worry that using a drug like meth is a real problem. Dependency, or whatever you want to call it, scares me because I want you to have the chance to lead the incredible life I know you can.

You are so special, at least as I see it, that you deserve more than going from high to high. You deserve more than scrounging together money to buy more meth. You deserve more than feeling like you need a drug to keep you happy or skinny or fun or whatever. You deserve more than feeling ashamed about part of your life, trying to hide it from people who care about you. You deserve more than an overdose, a heart attack, stroke, or brain damage. You deserve more than worrying about being arrested or charged by the police.

Call me selfish, but I want you to be around in four years, happy and healthy, so that we can share another round or graduations. I want to be able to talk to you on the phone and gossip about the guys we meet at school. I want to be able to bitch about sucky classes and horse issues and family crap.

I am scared, and I don’t know what to do. I’m not going to judge you or anything like that- I care way too much to do that. I just want you to let you know how much it is that I care, and how you can count on me to be there if you decide you want to beat this thing.

It’s like a monster in disguise, trying to eat away at your life and your future, but the thing of it is, nobody but you can fight it. I can’t. Your parents can’t. And you can’t either, unless you first recognize that it is monster and not a blessing, and then decide to try to kick its ass. I won’t pretend that it’s easy or fun or that there’s some quick-fix magic wand to solve the problem. It’s like a disease and there is not an easy cure. If you want, there are hotlines and meetings and other ways to get anonymous support. I can put in touch with a man named ****** with whom you can talk either on the phone or in person, totally confidentially (I can give you a number, and he won’t tell anyone- including me- if or when you talk). He is a wonderful guy, a great listener, and has overcome his own demons (I’ll let him say whatever he wants about that). I can get information, go with you, give you a place to stay, have odd-hour phone calls, etc. You can check websites like na.org or soberrecovery.com.


I might understand more than you think. I know what it is like to try to numb yourself, trying to hide what’s really going on. To not really want to give up the crutch that makes your life hold together. To not believe that anything better is possible. To dread the consequences of life without it. To blame yourself for being a screw-up, without having any good excuse. To know something’s wrong, but to try rationalize it all away and convince yourself it’s all okay. To live in a world of lies and deception, where hiding the truth becomes a reflex. To be afraid to tell anyone about what’s going on because they won’t possibly understand, because they’ll judge, because you can’t trust them, or because it’d just be a burden for them. I get all of that and more, trust me.

But I just want you to know that I am here. That I care a ton. And that I want to help, if you ever want me to. I’m not going to bring this up unless you ask. I’m not going to hound you about it. Just know that there is another option, and if you decide to look into it, I’ll be with you 100%.

What do you think? Any suggestions? How would you feel if you got this note? I was planning on just putting a envelope with both letters where she would pick it up and read it privately. I don't want to give it to her face-to-face and have her reading it in front of me. Is that a good call? Anyhow, I'm really nervous about giving her this note, and I'd appreciate some feedback. The sooner the better, thought, becasue we leave for school shortly.

best

I am not sure how correct or incorrect such a letter would be, but I like your idea. As long as you don't keep sending letters telling her time and time again that she needs stop, I think a leter is ok.

Tell them once, beyond that starts to become an attempt at controling them.

Your letter seems to have all the facts in a row. The drug is the problem and the drug will cause....
Truly a letter of friendship and love.

Add to such a letter, many prayers, and I think you have a good plan.

historyteach

Filly;
I think it's a very good letter too. I'm impressed with the debth of your friendship; I know it isn't easy dealing with someone whose on drugs. You send a positive note along with your concerns and a means of receiving help. That's all you can do, except, as Best says, add your prayers.
And I'll add mine to yours that she will hear your love and accept what she needs to do to live a life that matters.
Shalom!

Jaguar0425

I think your letter is perfect. It's full of love and friendship. If I received a letter like that when I was still using, I may not have stopped right away, but I would have recognized the love there and kept it for when I was ready. My prayers are also with you and your friend.
Lynda