Family Illness

Old 06-06-2005, 07:18 PM
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Family Illness

Have you or are you had problems with addiction being a family illness. My wife never had a problem. However, I think she got alcoholic thinking from me. I don't understand, sometimes I detect alcoholic behavior in her word and action. I think she thought and I hoped that if I got better she'd get better. Either that, or she has her own issues. She didn't believe the doctor about having PTSD. Plus there was a problem with some of her family. Our daughter Wendy, my Step but, don't use step, married somebody from Jamaica. Well her mother and one brother didn't like somebody of color in family. The one brother that excepted it died of heart failure. At first at the urging of our pastor we tried to keep the line of communication open. He felt if we broke off there would be no chance of getting together. This lasted about 2 years. I really had a hard time going someplace my daughter, her husband and granddaughter wasn't welcome. Then after 2 years saying goodbye to them so we could go to Debby's mother's was too much for me.
That Thanksgiving, the whole time at her mother's all I could do was picture the look on their faces being left out. Brittany was olny a year and didn't know the difference. When we got home I told my wife I could nolonger go where they were not welcomed. She agreed it was killing her also. We broke off ties unless we were excepted as a family. We'll, Brittany will be 19 September 14th and there has been no contact since. Then to make matters worse. When her brother John died he had an 11month old daugther and a wife that was 19. He had not changed the life insurance but, assumedhis mother would understand that it was to go to them. On his dieing bed he expressed these wishes. The mother and brother contested it, and the courts upheld that by law they got the $200,000 policy. His wife lost the house and had little to eat. Tracy's mother, who was gay and made mine wife's mother hate even more, I and us supported them. Out of being shamed into doing it, they set up a small trust fund for her own Granddaughter. Anyway, this has added to my wife's issues. She feels so alone even though I'm here. Now anyway, I wasn't there for her while drinking. I guess she has to decide to get help but, I keep suggesting it. Although sometimes the feed back isn't very nice. Anyway, now that I've gone on and on. Have any of you also noticed a partner or spouse act alcoholicly into your recovery? I mean it's scary sometimes seeing me in he actions. Don W
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Old 06-06-2005, 07:32 PM
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Ann
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Don, I don't know much about your wife, and presume you're talking behaviour, not drinking. Has she ever gone to Al-Anon or any meetings about codependency?

The thing is, addicts and codependents really aren't very different, except the addict or alcoholic uses a substance to kill their pain. My home fellowship is CoDA (Codependents Anonymous) and the meeting I used to go to with about 40 people, had about 20 member who also belonged to AA or NA, but were there to address their own codependent issues.

Codependency isn't about loving a person who abuses substance, it is about much the same "pain" as addicts and alcoholics speak of, and I'm just taking a wild guess that this could be her problem.

There is a very good book called "Codependent No More" by Melody Beattie that might be worth reading for both of you. It is written so very well and describes what codependency is, why we are like we are, and what we can do to recover. If she IS codependent, she will quickly recognize herself in there. I know when I read it I wanted royalties because it was my life described perfectly.

And, you already know, if she isn't willing to look into getting help for herself, there's not much you can do to change her.

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Old 06-06-2005, 08:13 PM
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Thanks Ann, I'm going to look into those books. Also, I've decided to give her some flyers from work on the Employee's Assistence Program. Among the things you mentioned are also with her understanding things are better. She is still afraid for example to buy the smallest item, in fear that I've spent my paycheck on booze. Somebody with an 800 number calls and she won't answer it fearing a bill collector.
They are sales calls. She worries about paying the rent. Once I pay it she right away start to worry about the next month. I try to explain to her that all the money is coming in to pay these bills. The phone was broken, right away, they shut us off. In many cases I've built up a credit balance. The oil company kept calling. She was sure I was lieing about paying the bill. I ended up calling and they were trying to sell air conditioning. About 6 months ago I made a mistake and payed double on our gas bill.
We have Keyspan for Gas and NorStar, I think for electric. Both say gas/electric on bills. I payed $112 to Keyspan, then for some reason paid $112 again to them. I thought it was strange they both billed the same amount. Anyway, they called from
Norstar that we were late. I payed it right away. Even though I showed her the bill from Keyspan recording a double payment she still brings it up that I didn't pay the electric. I did that while drinking but, not now. I understand it takes time but, she works for 2 lawyers and questions like being one. Then I get mad and call her Della Street. Don W
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