Ann

I like that too, Andy. I have choices, I can use my positive energy to make my life better, or I can use my negative energy to stay stuck. There is a time for negative, to be sad, angry, confused, but it's not a good place to visit for long.

Today is a beautiful day, with or without my energy. Today, I choose to see the beauty and stay in the positive.

(Hi back Andy)

Hugs
Ann

Andy F

page 354

"The best place to begin your fight against perfectionism is with your motivation for maintaining this approach. Make a list of the advantages and disadvantages of being perfectionistic. You may be surprised to learn that it is not actually to your advantage. Once you understand that it does not in fact help you in anyway, you'll be much more likely to give it up."

Andy F

From 'Feeling Good' page 78

"When you are experiencing a blue mood, the chances are that you are telling yourself that you are inherently inadequate or just plain 'no good'. You will become convinced that you have a bad core or are essentially worthless. To the extent that you believe such thoughts, you will experience a severe emotional reaction of despair and self-hatred.........

........Because of the negative emotional and behavioral consequences of your harsh thinking, the first step is to stop telling yourself you are worthless"

Feeling Good
Author David Burns MD
ISBN 0380810336
(reviews at Amazon)

Gabe

Codie input...
When I’m in a blue mood, it doesn’t have much to do with feeling worthless or inadequate.
It usually has more to do with feeling emotionally bankrupt.
I don’t know, maybe I’m not digging deep enough here.
Maybe I get to the point of emotional bankruptcy because I feel worthless and inadequate, ergo I give and give and give instead of keeping things in balance.
You’re making me think Andy...
always a dangerous proposition.

Andy F

Hi Gabe

The author does distinguish between genuine sadness and negative, distorted depressive type thinking. Although, the latter seems to be the most regular by far. I look forward to your further thoughts after the dangerous act of thinking. I have the Fire department on stand-by in case this causes spontaneous combustion.

Andy F

From 'Feeling Good' page 386

"The most serious error you could make with your suicidal impulses is to be overly inhibited in talking them over with a counselor. Many people are afraid to talk about suicidal fantasies and urges for fear of disaproval or because they believe that even talking about them will bring on a suicide attempt. This point of view is unwarranted. You are more likely to feel a great sense of relief in discussing suicidal thoughts with a professional therapist, and consequently you have a much better chance of defusing them."

pedagogue

The Feeling Good Handbook for those of you interested in the book.

The Feeling Good is the first book, and the above is the sequel.

-pedagogue

ps. Any purchases support SR!

Andy F

"If you have goofed up, it does not follow that you are a BORN LOSER. It is impossible to be wrong all the time. Think about the thousands of things you have done right in your life! Furthermore, you can change and grow."

Feeling Good - David Burns (page 299)

Ann

Thanks, Andy. It's too easy to beat ourselves up for our mistakes, and forget to pat ourselves on the back for our accomplishments. Learning from a mistake IS an accomplishment, I just forget that sometimes.

Hugs
Ann

Andy F

"Asserting your right to make mistakes will paradoxically make you a greater human being. If the other person feels disappointed, the fault is really his for having set up the unrealistic expectation you are more than human"

Feeling Good, page 377

Ann

This one has me wondering, Andy. When I make mistakes, I am the one who is disappointed in myself, big time. I tell myself to take the lesson and grow, but deep down I feel the disappointment. I didn't think that I had unrealistic expectations of myself, perhaps I do, or maybe it is that I don't handle disappointment well.

Either way, I'd rather try and fail than sit life out hiding under my shell of safety. It gets pretty dark in there.

You've given me something to think about today, just when I thought I had all the answers

Hugs
Ann

minnie

Great snippets, Andy. Thank you.

I am trying to look at "mistakes" in a different light and it seems to be working for me. I have realised that I only know they are mistakes because I learn something after the event, either that the particular method didn't work or that new information comes to light. I believe that we make decision based on the knowledge we have to hand at a particular time and we only know they are "wrong" in hindsight. As long as I keep making "mistakes", I keep growing. Failing is just another step along the road to success.

It's when I do something that I know hasn't worked in the past yet hope for a different outcome this time that I get into trouble.

Andy F

Hi Ann and Minnie

I am discovering that underneath I have a lot more going on than I thought.

Perfectionism and all-or-nothing thinking are kind of linked. Unconsciously I get frustrated and then angry because as I get older I am not like the chimpanzee I used to be when working off a ladder. I have to move the ladder to reach points that I previously I would have twisted and overstretched to get to. I get angry because unconsciously I expect myself to be more efficient and proficient. I also have unrealistic expectations about how the job should run smoothly, and knowing that isn't enough. I can know that something isn't realistic, but until I work out a new attitude towards it, I will be a slave (it seems) to the old one. I do have unrealistic ideals and expectations of myself and others, and they remain, though I have done a good job of suppressing them, until I acquire a corrective mode of thought. That is what I have been learning from this book.

Ann

Thank you for the lightbulb moment Andy...."move the ladder/change my attitude". Too often I change what I do, but not my attitude about why I am doing it, when sometimes just changing my attitude about what I am already doing could be the answer. Hmmm, move the ladder? Who knew?

Hugs
Ann

Dan

You mean I'm not alone thinking and feeling like that?
Just for me, I think that my early falling in love with substances was a reflection of intense dissatisfaction with myself, my perceived place in the world, and the circumstances of my existence.
I was way too young, or so it seems, to think I could affect true change to these circumstances that brought me nothing but unhappiness. I gladly accepted the daily mind numbing of my drinking and drug use as the answer to all my problems.

They say addiction is insidious and progressive.
I never saw the blatant changes in my personality or behavior over the years. Or if I saw them, I simply accepted them as part of the package.
'It's how I live. It's how I fulfill all my expectations'.

The word suppressing jumps out at me from your post Andy, for it reflects how I feel most days about some of my still very raw emotions.
Still thinking much too much that things should be as I want them to be.

The bonus is that being sober at least allows me to notice I'm thinking now

minnie

Am I right in thinking that supressing thoughts and feelings is a fundamental driver in addiction? I am not a substance addict, however I have displayed addictive behaviours, particularly at times of depression/distress. These have manifested themselves in all sorts of ways from gambling to video games to excessive net surfing (even SR!) to obsessive thinking about other people. I have used all of these to avoid (perceived) painful thinking and/or change on my own part. As I become more healthy, I can recognise when I start doing these things and take corrective action. And as time goes by, I do them less and less.

However, the all or nothing thinking that seems to be prevalent among addicts is absent in me. Which makes all of this all the more fascinating.

Andy F

Minnie

Taking the physical and the merry-go-round aspects of my drinking away, I drank as an attempt to escape feelings of great disatisfaction about myself (as Dan said). Obviously, eventually, more drinking leads to more feeling disatisfied and they feed each other. However, in my case, the core issue, the one that I need to be concerned with is my prior desire to escape. I drank wilfully in ignorance until I wanted to stop and then found I had all these underlying motivating issues that I did not know how to resolve. What I call my alcoholism, in my view, is simply a reflection of the excessive or extremes I have in my thinking, whereas you 'normal' folks (God bless you. lol) are simply human, but not to my extreme.

I personally see human beings as imperfect by our very nature. And I see my alcoholism as just an extreme form of human vulnerability. So I see nothing wrong with my seeing aspects of my behaviour in you, or vice-versa.

My tendency towards All-or-nothing thinking is a part of non-alcoholic human behaviour for some or part of a great morass for me.

Dan

I think so Minnie. They told me in rehab that stuffing feelings and emotions is what I did best for a long time.
Maybe what it is I am supressing today is the acting out part of the chain of thoughts.
There are days when I'm serene enough to accept uncomfortable emotions and deal with them soberly and properly.
And there are days when I am not. The key, just for me, is to be able to recognize those days, and simply not engage in a futile attempt to deal with something that is bound to frustrate me.
Where once I used alcohol and other drugs to relieve frustration, I now just refuse to get frustrated, as best I can, eliminating one of the links in the relapse chain.

So maybe instead of using the word supressing, I could say I am postponing dealing with something until a day where I am better equipped mentally to do so.

Ann

Although I am a codie and not an addict, supressing feelings is something I did most of my life, burying them so deep that it has taken me years to work through them and let them take a healthier place in my life.

Knowing how unhealthy it is for me to supress feelings, I sometimes think I have to deal with everything head on, which can be painful and cause chaos if I am not prepared to handle it.

I like what Dan said about "postponing" dealing with them, until the time is better. I've never given this much thought, but it sounds so much healthier to me than either supressing them or letting them knock me over.

Thanks, Dan. I needed to read that.

Hugs
Ann

minnie

I do the same and I am comfortable with that. As long as I don't put it off for ever. lol.