_If_

Does anyone have some words of wisdom regarding guilt? How much (if any) is healthy? How to deal with it? How and when to learn to let it go. How to stop letting others take advantage of your guilt. The reason I ask, is I am sitting and watching so many ppl take advantage of my BF. It is so easy for me to sit on the outside and 1) realize that these ppl are taking advantage of him (whether they realize it or not), 2) tell him "what he should do" and how I woudl handle it if it were me, and 3) see the enormously detrimental effects that it is starting to have on him. (I have learned to back way off on the expressing "what I would do" thing.... everyone needs to find their own way. But, some well worded, gentle advice is always appreciated)

I will explain the situation and try to be brief and general, but I would truly appreciate any suggestions and words of wisdom from any of you that have been through something similar. Anyway, as our addiction grew, his work suffered. Toward the end, it is (honestly) suprising that he managed to keep his job (by the way, I didn't keep mine).... and we both knew that something had to give, and was going to very soon. So, understandably, once he cleaned up, and realized how terribly his work had suffered over time, he picked up an enoumous burden of guilt. He threw himself back into work 200%, went in at 8 every morning, and I was lucky to have him home by 9 or 10 at night. Now, he has caught up completely on all his work, and has taken workloads from co-workers as well. My question is, when does it stop? Whether they realize it or not, they are all taking gross advantage of him. He is also starting to realize it as well, and is getting more bitter as days go by, but still has too much guilt to do much of anything about it. He is constantly breaking dates and plans with me, because someone asks him to work late or work their weekend shift or take their on call (and the way they ask, they won't take no for an answer), and then the boss makes him feel super guilty and stressed if he asks for any time off at all. We needed a couple hours in the morning about a week ago to get some business taken care of that could not and would not wait, the boss called him so many times in the couple of hours that we were dealing with it, that he couldn't even focus on what we needed to do, because he was so stressed.

He and I talk about it all the time.... How long should he deal with this before he can consider his debt 100% repaid? He grows more and more frustrated by the day, and I know it is getting harder and harder for him to deal with. My suggestion to him is - the only way to wipe the slate 100% clean is start new.... Get the resume together and find a new job. Easier said than done tho.... I have been unemployed for a very long while now (I start a new job in the next couple of weeks tho), so bills and finances are getting stressful. Anyway, that is just the tip of the iceberg, but I am sure that many of you know exactly what I am talking about.... Suggestions? TIA!!!

lonlion

Pull the plug

Your doubts have no power except for the power you give them. At any time you can pull the plug. Those doubts, fears and other negative thoughts can become so familiar that you may think they're a part of you. Yet they are not a part of you. They are only things that you have chosen to hold. And when you choose, you can let them go.

Imagine being free of the doubts, the anxieties, the guilt and the fears. Then realize that your imagination is the only place where they can possibly exist. When you can imagine being free of them, you are indeed free of them. You have the power at any time to pull the plug.

There is no need to tolerate even one more moment of being less than the best you can be. Let go of those thoughts that hold you back, and let yourself be free.

_If_

lonlion -

Thanks so much for your reply. (((((Hugs))))) In one way, I think that he and I both already knew the answer, but sometimes it takes hearing it again and/or in different words to get it through. We sat up last night for hours talking about what I had posted here, and what is the answer, and how to proceed. The guilt is there, we know that it shouldn't be, yet we both know that what we did was wrong, and that there are/will be/should be repercussions. We violated our own beliefs and our own ethics, and that is what is bringing the guilt about, other people are just exploiting that. We have to forgive ourselves, and that is the hardest of all, because we know the truth. We know how many times we lied, we failed, we didn't even try. We know how many times we "called in sick", and how many times we showed up, but were never present. We know that we were high every minute of every day for years - at work, at home, with friends, with family..... always high. We have to learn how to let that go, but yet don't want to just dismiss it as if it were nothing. Shouldn't you have to do some pennance? Oh yeah, lol, the pennance happens every damn time I go to the mailbox and find another bill.... The CC companies have now raised our rates to 30%.... They keep raising them even though we are making payments now.... can barely afford to make the minimums..... that is our pennance - to figure out how to fix that one..... lol - any good credit counselors out there? Anyway, we dug the hole - I think that guilt is the feeling that makes you think that you still belong in the hole, but yet it is your responsibility to fill it back in.... eventually you bury yourselves, but all you had to do was step out of the damn thing.....

Andy F

Dear If

Here is a book written by a member of Debtors Anonymous that works.

'How to get out of debt, stay out of debt, and live prosperously'. by Jerrold Mundis

You could see the reviews on Amazon. It's simple and works.

All the best

_If_

Andy - thank you =) I will check it out as soon as I can =) I appreciate the suggestion.