Vent with me people

Old 01-04-2005, 06:54 AM
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Vent with me people

Just thought id start a little thread and let people get some frustrations out or say whatever is on your mind or talk about how your doing with your recovery.

Today is day 3 of sobriety for me which isnt much, but its a start. Ive already started to feel some of the symptoms that come along with recovery. Im having trouble sleeping at night which i expected and im already starting to feel a loss of appetite with not much of an urge to eat. Ive quit a few times before but this time im determined, im a stubborn person and i refuse to let the addiction beat me this time.

So whether today is your first day or today is your 5 year anniversary congatulations to you and keep going. I figured with all the holiday stress and people in such a rush to get things done some people might want to get a thing or two off their chest or talk about how theyve been feeling.
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Old 01-04-2005, 08:32 AM
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Hey, Joe! Good topic.

Well, at the moment my insomnia is kicking my a$$. I've not been sleeping now for about 3 weeks and it's wearing me down physically, mentally and emotionally. Everything seems bigger and harder when I am so tired.

Doug also just posted a good thread in here about recovery, and most everything in life, being a process. I want recovery NOW. I want patience NOW. Sigh. But these things are a process. I am grateful to be moving forward. Baby steps, but at least they are in the right direction.

Hang in there, my friend.


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Old 01-04-2005, 12:34 PM
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Hey Joe and jojo,
I can relate to "I want it now" syndrome. I consider myself and fairly patient person, but this is really hard. I think overall, I'm doing pretty well with my recovery, but I know I could be doing a lot more. I started off very gung-ho and am still excited about my recovery. (I'm new in recovery - 10 days shy of 2 months clean - wow, it feels like it's been a lot longer than that!). I'm doing everything I can to go to one meeting a day for 90 days; so far, pretty good, not perfect. I talk to people before and after meetings and get phone numbers (and have actually used them), have a sponsor and a home group, starting to work the steps with my sponsor, but feel like I'm at a plateau right now. I don't really hang out with people in recover right now (all my friends except one or two don't do any drugs or alcohol). I love my non-addicted friends very much, but there's nothing like being around other addicts; there's no better medicine. Oh well, I'm going to keep going to meetings and work with my sponsor on the steps and I'm sure if I keep doing what I'm supposed to be doing it'll get better (it's good right now, but could be better.). Thanks for letting me share
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Old 01-04-2005, 12:50 PM
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Great topic!

I really don't like the emptiness I feel with sobriety, sometimes. I crave some excitement, some variety. I hate the way I can ruin my own sobriety, sometimes out of sheer boredom. I really don't want to do that again.

Dang, I just really want to stay sober. It's like, I am so sick of addiction and losing sobriety and feeling rotten. I am so sick of getting myself and others into trouble. I am sick of living a double life, lying to others, hurting others, hurting myself, spending money like it was water even though I can't afford to do that. I really really really want to stay sober. I'll take the boredom, the emptiness. I don't care how much it hurts anymore, because the pains of sobriety are much better for me than the "joys" of addiction.

Whew....yes, I feel better. This is a great topic!
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Old 01-04-2005, 05:14 PM
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One of my bigger struggles early in recovery, was "what about right now!"

I was very attached to the "instant gratification" that came with being active. An immediate change. Very different from early recovery, it seemed like everything took a while, so not only did I not really know how to deal with things or feelings, I had to wait for it all to change, and my old habits had nothing to do with "waiting".

What I have learned since, (usually the hard way...still) is that instant relief fades fast, and the chase begins...
Being patient and steady feels better longer, and somewhere along the way, that becomes a habit.
Old 01-04-2005, 06:43 PM
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Hey Guys, Welcome and you'll clear up. Just remember, if you walk 5 miles into the woods, you need to walk 5 miles out. Don W
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Old 01-05-2005, 07:37 AM
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Made it to day 4 . I started feeling very irritable yesterday about mid afternoon and little things at work started to bother me. Luckily for me i have an office job that doesnt require answering phones so i can put my headphones on and block out everyone and thats exactly what i did and it really helped me calm down. Mmmm the soothing sounds of Metallica lol.

And holy dreams last night! I havent dreamt a thing in months and the last dream i had wasnt anything like last night. I had two very realistic dreams and one of them woke me up and my heart was racing. I read that could happen and you could start to have really clear and colorful dreams again and boy they werent kidding.

Im thinking a lot clearly as well, it doesnt seem to take as long for me to react to things as it did last week. Its amazing what just a couple days can do. Hope everyone else is doing okay and i wish you all the best.
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Old 01-05-2005, 01:11 PM
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doing the inside job
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oki doki,

I disintrigrated two r/c planes within the past two weeks
I put hundreds of hours and hundreds of $$ into them.
Building them keeps me buzy and brings a little sanity into my life.
I guess I'm suppose to build more. But it still SUCKS to see my work
of art exploded.

Me old lady dump thousands of $$$$ or every last dime
into the casino as always.
I been working on leting go on this one real, real hard.
I was in tears on new year's day.
But off she goes, she came home,slept and went right back.
Then trun around and ask me What the Hell is wrong with me
I finally got to the piont were I've GIVEN UP becuase it hurts so much
and I can't bare it no longer. It's like I don't F**KEN care about it anymore.
Funny things is , eversince that moment there's been a presence of peace
in my heart somehow.

My job is just freaken great !!!
Conflicting comunications or instructions.
Co workers getting into my work becuase I guess they have
something to prove. Yet my boss had given espacific intructions
for them not to do that. But yet the crap still happens.
To add more insult to injeries..the damn data base had been lost.
The freaken hard drive fried and of course someone havn't been
doing back ups like theyre's suppose to for the last year.
That someone sits right across from me.
Over two years worth information had been lost. Guess who put some
of the data in there ? Guess who has to load of the data back in ?
Guess who's digging thur manual file just trying to look up
informations or data. It aint that dude that's sitting across from me.

Other then taht.... life is just Freaken Grand !!!!!

well.... I had an opportunity to share with a friend
whos struggling with some issues yeaterday.
She's doing better today.
I saw a rainbow. The first time in a while, it was beautiful.

I guess i'm okay for the moment. I don't have a desire to go
burn a jiont or kill myself or nuttin' like that.
Maybe I'll just go talk to my tree today, it's been a while.
Who cares if it's raining.

Thanks for the thread
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Old 01-05-2005, 02:41 PM
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I'm only talking for myself. I haven't worked out how to do the quote thing yet, but it's in reference self-disatisfaction.

I never felt good about myself. But I knew I would if I could just get a couple of weeks sober. Then after a couple of weeks I realised that I needed six months and I would feel better. When six months passed I unconsciencely changed it to a year and I would feel good. Now that I'm over 20 years I catch myself thinking ' I bet I''ll be really serene when I'm 30 years sober'.

When I had no car I said I would be happy if only I had a junker to get to meetings, then I wanted a little better and so on until in sobriety I pined for a new car. Which I have, but now I'm thinking......convertable. Yes, I'll feel really good with a convertable.

When I earned £80 a day I aimed for and thought about £100, then £120, £150, £200, £250...

It will never be enough because those things can't give me a sense of inherent self-value, a liking of myself. Probably not even two convertable cars would do the trick!

Whatever length of sobriety I have is enough right now. In my opinion I had the same value as a human being when I was a few days sober as much as now. I can realise this at any point in my day and accept that the nature of being human is to be imperfect and that my qualification for being here and realising I have inherent self-worth is not my length or quality of sobriety or earning potential, but it is simply that I exist and I am breathing.

So in my view, if your in the mire, struggling, your not of any less inherent worth/value and that realisation is not dependant upon having long term sobriety, but upon how quickly you can realise it..

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Old 01-05-2005, 03:18 PM
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Oh Nutz !!
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Old 01-05-2005, 04:38 PM
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venting, good idea

sobriety is great, sometimes i do doubt myself though, but i'm not willing to give up sobriety. i think it's ironic that i quit drinking and drugging the month i turned 21, i had 2 weeks of bad bar episodes legally, and i'd had enough. sometimes i find myself wanting to smoke a joint, but i know that it will lead me back to the needle. it may not be the same day or the same week, but eventually i'll be in the same boat. i have been going through some weird stuff in my life. i'm being sued by the former "recovery home director" for unpaid rent, which i know that i owe and i told him i'd pay him, but then i told him how much of an a$$hole he was and that's when he decided to sue me. this guy has been sober for 12 years, and he's manipulative, an egomaniac, inconsiderate, would take forever to describe this guy...anyway, i know that i want recovery, i know that if i use i will die-it's only a matter of time...but the urges are still there and it frustrates me. i think the time that i have cravings the most is when i'm in the shower because the warm water makes my veins pop out...ohhh...i pray and i pray for the cravings to go, i do my step work, but i guess it's just not time....anyway i'm rambling now...but that's okay...
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Old 01-10-2005, 07:49 PM
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Dear Phinneas-3 weeks is a long time..I have gone thru the same thing..too many times..I would definitely get to a Dr...with all the abuse I've put my body thru, think it is safe to say I may be a bit...chemically imbalanced..? For me it take one dose of amitryptalene and the sleep pattern returns...a one time sponsor insisted that when my body got tired enough I'd sleep...didn't believe in was almost a month with nary a wink before I went to a Dr...for me, there is no serenity w/o
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Old 01-10-2005, 08:10 PM
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Originally Posted by bruno123
Dear Phinneas-3 weeks is a long time..I have gone thru the same thing..too many times..I would definitely get to a Dr...with all the abuse I've put my body thru, think it is safe to say I may be a bit...chemically imbalanced..? For me it take one dose of amitryptalene and the sleep pattern returns...a one time sponsor insisted that when my body got tired enough I'd sleep...didn't believe in was almost a month with nary a wink before I went to a Dr...for me, there is no serenity w/o
Thanks, bruno. I have to be honest. I am afraid of Drs and meds right now as I am a pill addict. I did get some sleep for a few days. Not much, but a lot more than I had been getting. Last night was another bad night. I am drinking sleepy time tea and taking one tab Menatonin before bed and that seems to be helping.

You're right, there is no serenity without sleep. It affects me mentally, physically and emotionally. And imbalanced? Definately, chemically and otherwise!


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Old 01-11-2005, 03:04 PM
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Hey, hey Samantha K

I must have glossed over your message last, too, needle a major way..been years tho...what worked for me I wouldn't stop shooting coke, I got drunk for the next few years..finally stopped thinking about much..only thing I can say is that it does get better with time..the craving or just..preoccupation?..with the whole thing..I was as addicted to the ritual as much as the actual doing, I does get for the land-lord type with a dozen years...entering recovery, I thought that people stopped being a-holes when they stopped using..for a long time I would wonder how anyone could stay stopped while being such b-holes..there are dry drunks and people that just won't be anything other than what they are..good luck in court?..Love-B
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Old 01-11-2005, 05:46 PM
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Okay, I am venting for myself and on behalf of my neighbor, who is in too much pain to do so on her own. (I am feeling very bad for her) I have also had experiences like this at ER's.

My friend has been having low back pain and stomach pain for 2 wks. Went to her primary. He did CAT scan, thought it was a cyst or kidney stones. Gives her pain med and sends her home. Yesterday she calls me up to come over and look at a lump you can actually see on her lower back. Says it is painful and you can actually move it around!!! She calls her primary who says go to the ER so we can find out right away. Well, after i.v pain meds, and ultrasound and finding blood in her urine they tell her (get this) Well, you have blood in your urine, but the lump doesn't show on the uktrasound, we have no open beds so go home and come back tomarrow. She went at 9:30 this am, I picked her up at 5:30 pm. Mind you we are going to have an ice storm tomarrow.

I am feeling bad for her......She is pretty tough and she was practically in tears because of the pain and the bs. I understand how she feels though because I have had similar experiences in an ER. I am hoping they can do something for her. I hate seeing people suffer like that.

Okay, I'm done venting, thanks.
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Old 01-11-2005, 05:57 PM
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I would vent,but the bandwith isnt wide enough.
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Old 01-11-2005, 06:54 PM
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Its snowing and there's going to be ice all night and Wed. I hate the winter, it isn't half over and I'm tired. After Sunday, when it slows the COLTS down, I want it to go away. Then I think of other parts of the country and in comparison it's not to bad.But, I still hate the cold. Don W
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