Sober but now partner's drinking!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 18
Sober but now partner's drinking!
I just need a sounding board and some ideas and words of wisdom.
After 25+ of heavy drinking (with occasional black outs) I finally stopped drinking alcohol in January this year. I feel emotionally stronger than I have in years. I stopped drinking as I realised I would lose my partner (and disrupt the life of our son) if I didn't.
I did and I feel like I've become a better parent and wife because of it. I'm easier to be with, more balanced and have more energy. The irony of this situation is that alcohol is still present in our relationship but this time it's my partner that is drinking.
This is not what I expected. He barely drank when we met - 2 beers would be enough. Now, he's drinking (not loads but enough) that I'm seeing an awkward and annoying side to his personality. He has struggled to deal with stress this year; his mother has cancer and we work together setting up a business so I have tried to be understanding.
But, I'm not sure what the source of the problem. Is it me - being too restrictive and not letting giving him space to unwind or do I have a legitimate reason to be upset with his behaviour.
After all, 12 months ago we would have been drinking together. It's just increasingly difficult to connect with him when he's drinking and we're not on the same wave length. I'm trying to get healthy and I'm hoping he is too. He has started too but it's taking it's time.
I'm realising that the alcohol is still now an issue in the relationship.
Has anyone else experienced similar things or have any words of wisdom?
After 25+ of heavy drinking (with occasional black outs) I finally stopped drinking alcohol in January this year. I feel emotionally stronger than I have in years. I stopped drinking as I realised I would lose my partner (and disrupt the life of our son) if I didn't.
I did and I feel like I've become a better parent and wife because of it. I'm easier to be with, more balanced and have more energy. The irony of this situation is that alcohol is still present in our relationship but this time it's my partner that is drinking.
This is not what I expected. He barely drank when we met - 2 beers would be enough. Now, he's drinking (not loads but enough) that I'm seeing an awkward and annoying side to his personality. He has struggled to deal with stress this year; his mother has cancer and we work together setting up a business so I have tried to be understanding.
But, I'm not sure what the source of the problem. Is it me - being too restrictive and not letting giving him space to unwind or do I have a legitimate reason to be upset with his behaviour.
After all, 12 months ago we would have been drinking together. It's just increasingly difficult to connect with him when he's drinking and we're not on the same wave length. I'm trying to get healthy and I'm hoping he is too. He has started too but it's taking it's time.
I'm realising that the alcohol is still now an issue in the relationship.
Has anyone else experienced similar things or have any words of wisdom?
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Not my circus, not my monkeys.
Whist others may share their experience, strength and hope with you, sobriety is an individual responsibility. Yours!
In these circumstances, which I once shared, we once loved each other, dearly. The reality was,found in our mutual taste for alcohol we were both as 'mad as a box of frogs'! And appreciating none of this is easy,it certainly wasn't for me... my suggestion detach, detach, detach! If not physically but mentally...
There's a Polish proverb that suggests tat whenever someone else tries to drag you into their nonsense, say to yourself,'Not my circus, not my monkeys' and keep repeating it...
'The only power you have is over your mind,all the rest is external events.
Remember this and you WILL gain strength' - Marcus Aurelius
In these circumstances, which I once shared, we once loved each other, dearly. The reality was,found in our mutual taste for alcohol we were both as 'mad as a box of frogs'! And appreciating none of this is easy,it certainly wasn't for me... my suggestion detach, detach, detach! If not physically but mentally...
There's a Polish proverb that suggests tat whenever someone else tries to drag you into their nonsense, say to yourself,'Not my circus, not my monkeys' and keep repeating it...
'The only power you have is over your mind,all the rest is external events.
Remember this and you WILL gain strength' - Marcus Aurelius
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Addendum
Whilst addressing this matter just remember, overthinking will kill your reality.
Alcoholics, when sober are often friendly, able and intelligent people, see the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous'.
When drinking they're the exact opposite, so if he's drinking and you're not, the last person he's thinking about is you, otherwise he wouldn't be doing it.
Alcoholics, when sober are often friendly, able and intelligent people, see the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous'.
When drinking they're the exact opposite, so if he's drinking and you're not, the last person he's thinking about is you, otherwise he wouldn't be doing it.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2019
Posts: 3
I admire people that stop whilst living with a partner that drinks, I find it hard enough telling myself I don't want to drink without having to tell someone else .. so you get extra stars today! :-) ... all can suggest regarding his behaviour is talk to him about it only when he is sober
12 Step Recovered Alcoholic
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: New Zealand
Posts: 6,613
My late wife of 20 years, and my second wife, and pretty much all the grilfirends I have known over my sober life have all been social drinkers, and none knew me when I was drinking. It has never been an issue.
I was young when I recovered which meant my father played a big role in my life trying to help me and managing my affairs so to speak. When I recovered I wanted control back and I think he found it tough to give up. He had been let down many times so, though I know he was delighted at my recovery, it was hard for him to loose his skepticism for a while. he also had the problem of an alcoholic wife who required the same thing.
At the root of the issue was that I had changed a great deal. For better or worse, as a drinker I was predicatable. When I got sober I became unpredictable and maybe some folk close to me found that hard to deal with. I began making my own decisions, developed my own interests, made new friends, got my own job, looked after my own money, essentially became independent.
In my case, the apparent problem of the type you describe arose because I was sober and changing, not because of anyone elses drinking. In your case this could be an added stress for your partner, assuming he is not alcoholic.
I was young when I recovered which meant my father played a big role in my life trying to help me and managing my affairs so to speak. When I recovered I wanted control back and I think he found it tough to give up. He had been let down many times so, though I know he was delighted at my recovery, it was hard for him to loose his skepticism for a while. he also had the problem of an alcoholic wife who required the same thing.
At the root of the issue was that I had changed a great deal. For better or worse, as a drinker I was predicatable. When I got sober I became unpredictable and maybe some folk close to me found that hard to deal with. I began making my own decisions, developed my own interests, made new friends, got my own job, looked after my own money, essentially became independent.
In my case, the apparent problem of the type you describe arose because I was sober and changing, not because of anyone elses drinking. In your case this could be an added stress for your partner, assuming he is not alcoholic.
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
Perhaps..
Perhaps it's time to speak to a member of Al Anon before their drinking start living in your head and threatening your sobriety, as I once did. Because the one thing you can be certain of is that whilst you're thinking about their drinking. They are not thinking about your sobriety...
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