Dawn10

As I write this I am a mixture of angry, upset, hurt and pissed off. I have had issues my whole life with my Mom and she has once again made me realize that I am grieving the mother I want but will never have.
She is in a nursing home, loss of mobility due to many health problems including complications from knee surgery and obesity, and her anger comes in waves. She has been there for about 18 months and it is permenent. My Dad physically could not care for her any more--both physically and emotionally. She has a food addiciton and big time control issues. Lots of this is stuff I only came to realize in therapy.
My Dad is on a well deserved vacation. He has been gone a week and has one more week to go. I have been on "Mom duty" and that includes getting her laundry done and getting her her drug of choice--food supplements--( yes, we enable that, are fully aware of it and decided it is a battle we didn't want to fight anymore.) The first week was pretty good, or so I was thinking today as I drove the 30 minute drive to her facility. I took her $50 worth of groceries and when I refused to get her a carryout meal from a resturaunt, she had a fit. I was "uncaring and terrible." I did set a boundary to her behavior and said something to the effect I am sorry you feel that way and I left.
My caller ID showed she had called 3 times without leaving a message in the hour and a half I was gone after I left her place. She just called again and started in again, on what I am doing to her by how I treat her. Translation:
How I make her mad when she doesn't get everything she wants. She also started in on other issues to picky to go into here, but I warned her once to stop or I would hang up and when she continued, I hung up. I had 2 messages on my machine when I wouldn't answer the phone that were from a psycho woman, not my mom. She's on loads of meds for depression, but much of this is ingrained behavior and I know I can't change her. It hurts to see her act like this, it hurts me, to know I can't have a rational discussion with her and can't be close like other mother/daughters.
I guess I wrote this more for my therapy than for a repsonse, but it is good to know that there may be someone out there with similar circumstances.
Thanks for listening.