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Old 05-17-2018, 02:58 PM   #1 (permalink)
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Non-addict needing advice concerning AD's recovery


Once upon a time, I used to be a moderator on Friends and Family of Substance Abusers. After needing to raise my then 5-yr old granddaughter from my AD, I had to stop and spend time with my family.

My granddaughter is now 12, and my AD is 37. In the past 7 years of raising our granddaughter, there has been little contact with AD even when she got out of prison after a couple years. It was then that she met her current BF, gave up her second child to adoption and then had another baby with him. Little time and attention has been paid to her first child, the girl we are raising.

My problem is that AD claims she has been clean and not used for the past 7 years! She has been diagnosed bipolar and is taking meds for that (don't know what). But her behavior and mostly attitude is far from recovery behavior. At first, she was very humble and talked to her daughter about the harm she caused and wanted to make it up. But she would promise things and then not deliver. In the past 3 years, her behavior has become intolerable. She has told me
,hubby and her sister to "F" off and that she wished we were dead so she can really tell her daughter the mind games we play. Of course, she blames me and hubby for not being able to be her mother because we stop her all the time. We do have legal custody and we do make sure she is protected.

I know the whole thing of, "if it looks like a duck, walks like a duck, and talks like a duck..." but this is different than the many years of her active using. She is a general manager of a restaurant, makes good money, seems to be doing well but we don't see her because of her meanness and her constant minimizing of her daughter's feelings and concerns. She attributes them to how we think and brainwashing her. I need to add that prior to this constant nastiness, we did everything we could to try to get them to have a relationship. Granddaughter is afraid of her, doesn't trust her and is very afraid of the new boyfriend who is 25, btw.

Sorry this is so long but can anyone advise me on what they think is going on? I feel so naive even though I have been through so much but could it be her meds for bi-polar that have her being so critical and nasty? Could she be using and still carry on being a general manager over people? I have to say that even when she was using, she was never, ever this nasty or mean for such a consistent amount of time. There is absolutely no empathy, compassion, caring, concern or anything that resembles my daughter!!! THAT is what has me so concerned and confused.

I hope that someone can shed some light on this behavior. Also, she does NOT go to any meetings or have any support. In fact, she brags that she is advising and helping young women who are active to help them with recovery.

Thank you for your time. Much, much appreciated.

True wisdom is to live in the present, plan for the future, and profit from the past. Anonymous

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Old 05-17-2018, 04:48 PM   #2 (permalink)
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Hello, old friend, I am so sorry that your daughter continues on a bad path, regardless of why she is there.

Your granddaughter is blessed that you raised her and are there to help her when she struggles with her relationship with her mother.

I don't know much about bi-polar medication, so can't answer your questions but I saw you here and wanted to come by and offer a hug and support.

Big hugs from my heart to yours.

Live your joy,
Go against the grain.
Don’t be made timid by worried rejection.
Let nature’s curious wisdom fill you.
Let the world’s mystical heritage guide you.
Paint your canvasses,
play your tunes.
~Thomas Moore
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Old 05-17-2018, 05:09 PM   #3 (permalink)
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I have no advice but want to give you a big
I'd rather live in my car with my dogs than live in a castle without them.

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Don't wait for the Last Judgement. It takes place every day. -Albert Camus

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Old 05-17-2018, 05:18 PM   #4 (permalink)
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Hi Marteen,

Is it possible that she has stopped using but is not in "recovery"? I don't know much about bi-polar so I can't speak to that but you will no doubt have seen many posts here where a person can quit their DOC but without looking at the underlying causes, that nastiness can certainly surface.

As for your Granddaughter, well all you can do is your best at keeping her safe and that sounds what you are trying to do.

Sorry I don't have much insight to offer but wanted to welcome you back!
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