Discarding of friends by newly recovered
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 4
Discarding of friends by newly recovered
I apologize if this is not in the correct section. It concerns members of AA and friends, but I would like to hear from the new AA members themselves about this.
I have a dear friend I have only known for 5 months who is now in recovery, sober for 40 days, after being institutionalized for 30. In that first four months, I did everything I could think of to keep her safe and alive while I nudged her towards getting help. She credits me with saving her life, and being the prime cause of her finally seeking help after 17 years of drinking. We were inseparable during that time. Part of her recovery process in the hospital was total immersion in AA.
As soon as she left the hospital, she told me we can no longer be friends, because I represent part of her past while drinking, and she has to move on with her life. I have been researching AA and have found this to be one of their suggestions, to jettison old friends because they perpetuate the old drinking patterns.
I don't drink very much at all, and while she drank constantly for the time before recovery, I rarely drank alcohol with her (my drink of choice - diet Coke). My entire effort with her has been to get her to stop or drastically cut back.
My question is - why would she now consider me part of the problem? As one who supports the goals of AA, I cannot understand why I would not be considered part of the solution instead. I am not an old drinking buddy. I am a new friend who supported and encouraged her through this entire recovery process, visiting her as often as possible in the hospital, bringing her fresh clothes, watching her cats, etc.
I was looking forward to seeing and getting to know this person again, as I had NEVER known her sober for more than a few hours before. This whole thing has left me devastated.
I have a dear friend I have only known for 5 months who is now in recovery, sober for 40 days, after being institutionalized for 30. In that first four months, I did everything I could think of to keep her safe and alive while I nudged her towards getting help. She credits me with saving her life, and being the prime cause of her finally seeking help after 17 years of drinking. We were inseparable during that time. Part of her recovery process in the hospital was total immersion in AA.
As soon as she left the hospital, she told me we can no longer be friends, because I represent part of her past while drinking, and she has to move on with her life. I have been researching AA and have found this to be one of their suggestions, to jettison old friends because they perpetuate the old drinking patterns.
I don't drink very much at all, and while she drank constantly for the time before recovery, I rarely drank alcohol with her (my drink of choice - diet Coke). My entire effort with her has been to get her to stop or drastically cut back.
My question is - why would she now consider me part of the problem? As one who supports the goals of AA, I cannot understand why I would not be considered part of the solution instead. I am not an old drinking buddy. I am a new friend who supported and encouraged her through this entire recovery process, visiting her as often as possible in the hospital, bringing her fresh clothes, watching her cats, etc.
I was looking forward to seeing and getting to know this person again, as I had NEVER known her sober for more than a few hours before. This whole thing has left me devastated.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Hi geokstr, and welcome.
Please don't be offended by my blunt question, but do you have a romantic attachement to this woman? If so, this may be a very real concern for her. We are taught in Alcoholics Anonymous to leave behind people, places and things, as you seem to know.
We are also advised to not start any kind of serious romantic relationships for at least a year.
Also, though you have been a tremendous support to her in getting her to the recovery doorstep, her sobriety is her responsibility.
I hope you understand my purpose in asking this question.
And I'm sorry for your pain. But it's been my experience, in many years of chasing sobriety and finally finding it, that a person choosing to recover will make decisions that will not always please those who stood with them in the darkest days.
Some events are very sad, but also very necessary in order to get and stay sober.
Please don't be offended by my blunt question, but do you have a romantic attachement to this woman? If so, this may be a very real concern for her. We are taught in Alcoholics Anonymous to leave behind people, places and things, as you seem to know.
We are also advised to not start any kind of serious romantic relationships for at least a year.
Also, though you have been a tremendous support to her in getting her to the recovery doorstep, her sobriety is her responsibility.
I hope you understand my purpose in asking this question.
And I'm sorry for your pain. But it's been my experience, in many years of chasing sobriety and finally finding it, that a person choosing to recover will make decisions that will not always please those who stood with them in the darkest days.
Some events are very sad, but also very necessary in order to get and stay sober.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 4
Hi Dan:
No, it is more like a fatherly interest, as we are more than 25 years apart. And she has already picked out a potential relationship for herself, as she is one to follow only the rules she chooses to.
No, it is more like a fatherly interest, as we are more than 25 years apart. And she has already picked out a potential relationship for herself, as she is one to follow only the rules she chooses to.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Well then...
All I can say is one word. Prayers.
For yourself, that you will understand her decision and feel no resentment.
And for her, that she'll have the strength to take the next right decision in her recovery, and that she finds out in as soft a way as possible that it's her rules that got her where she just was, or may still be. At the doorstep.
All I can say is one word. Prayers.
For yourself, that you will understand her decision and feel no resentment.
And for her, that she'll have the strength to take the next right decision in her recovery, and that she finds out in as soft a way as possible that it's her rules that got her where she just was, or may still be. At the doorstep.
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Originally Posted by geokstr
as she is one to follow only the rules she chooses to.
Thats how many of us finally wound up getting serious about our recovery .. after continually trying it our way we became willing to follow a proven process.
Many times we are advised to change "people, places, and things". This gives many of us the justification we need to pick and choose what, who, and where. Old playgrounds, playmates, and toys can trigger associative behaviour that can lead us back to using. In the long run it is our reaction to thise people, places, and things that must change.
Sorry you have invested so much energy into helping and supporting someones entry into recovery only to be abandoned. At some point she may reconsider her decisions. In the meantime you have our empathy.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 4
Thank you for your concern for both of us. The prayers are a given.
A major reason she drank was to self-medicate her bipolar illness. Now that she is sober, those feelings the alcohol covered up are coming out full-force, and she is having a very tough time. I had studied up on bipolar as well as her recovery process, in hopes of being able to provide support. While any progress she makes is of course up to her, it would seem that the more support systems one could have during these difficult times, the better.
A major reason she drank was to self-medicate her bipolar illness. Now that she is sober, those feelings the alcohol covered up are coming out full-force, and she is having a very tough time. I had studied up on bipolar as well as her recovery process, in hopes of being able to provide support. While any progress she makes is of course up to her, it would seem that the more support systems one could have during these difficult times, the better.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Posts: 8,709
Originally Posted by geokstr
Thank you for your concern for both of us. The prayers are a given.
A major reason she drank was to self-medicate her bipolar illness. Now that she is sober, those feelings the alcohol covered up are coming out full-force, and she is having a very tough time. I had studied up on bipolar as well as her recovery process, in hopes of being able to provide support. While any progress she makes is of course up to her, it would seem that the more support systems one could have during these difficult times, the better.
A major reason she drank was to self-medicate her bipolar illness. Now that she is sober, those feelings the alcohol covered up are coming out full-force, and she is having a very tough time. I had studied up on bipolar as well as her recovery process, in hopes of being able to provide support. While any progress she makes is of course up to her, it would seem that the more support systems one could have during these difficult times, the better.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2004
Location: Georgia
Posts: 85
I am detaching from my AB. During his last visit, he mentioned moving to another town then later stated he was just joking.
About the statement of abandoning old playgrounds, playmates and toys after after recovery.....does this apply to narcotic abusers as well? I guess I ask because it saddens me to know that I would probably be one of those people he would have to abandon, regardless of him being my highschool sweetheart and knowing me 24 years.
About the statement of abandoning old playgrounds, playmates and toys after after recovery.....does this apply to narcotic abusers as well? I guess I ask because it saddens me to know that I would probably be one of those people he would have to abandon, regardless of him being my highschool sweetheart and knowing me 24 years.
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Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
Some things have to be set aside....at least for a while.
Things change.. many I knew are dead and I might have been as well had I kept running in the same circles. Some found their way into recovery and I've bumped into them at meetings. One or 2 were close enough friends to understand and support the changes I had to make to get better. They are still a part of my life. A few weeks back one of my old riding friends came looking for me. He outgrew the lifestyle in his own time, and the friendship we had beyond the using connection is as strong as ever.
There are no ways to predict what will happen and everyones path even following the same map varies by degrees.
If you are a threat or even to him a percieved threat to his recovery and his recovery has become his priority then there may be a necessity for space and time between you.
I hope you find your answers and the peace they can bring.
Things change.. many I knew are dead and I might have been as well had I kept running in the same circles. Some found their way into recovery and I've bumped into them at meetings. One or 2 were close enough friends to understand and support the changes I had to make to get better. They are still a part of my life. A few weeks back one of my old riding friends came looking for me. He outgrew the lifestyle in his own time, and the friendship we had beyond the using connection is as strong as ever.
There are no ways to predict what will happen and everyones path even following the same map varies by degrees.
If you are a threat or even to him a percieved threat to his recovery and his recovery has become his priority then there may be a necessity for space and time between you.
I hope you find your answers and the peace they can bring.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: Canada
Posts: 727
Friendships,some are for a reason,a season,or, a life time.There is a poem out there that talks about this very issue.And i find it to be so true.Some folks have come into my life,for a... reason....And once that reason was over,there seemed to be nothing left for us to venture,grow on.We natually went on out different paths.Some were there for a ...season....Meaning that we were very close for months.Then,as time went on,we to parted,with love.And those very few,treasured folks that had,and are in my life since i was a child,and we are still together.After all this time.No matter how all of our lives have changed and we have changed,we are still very close.Its tuff when people leave my life when i would want them to stay.But to hold on makes it tuff on both, of us.Ive had people try to hold onto me.I felt smothered,and i was.If you love me,as a friend or other wise,set me free,if i feel this is what i need to do.for me..If i come back,then it was meant to be..If i dont,then our relationship was for a reason.,or for the season.But not the lifetime.Know,and feel good, that you have helped another.You were there when she was in trouble.You cared.You reached out.Acceptance of how it has all turned out.No expectaions,on the outcome.One day at a time.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Atlanta GA
Posts: 4
Thank you all for the enlightenment.
Shelly - yes she is on meds for the bipolar. However, the drinking masked the mood swings and interfered with the meds so much that her pdoc wasn't sure even what illness she had. They are working on adjusting the "cocktail" now (pun not intended).
Cap3 - I understand that sometimes friendships are not forever. I only wish this particular one had lasted longer, in that, selfishly, I have my own issues I could have used some support for now. Plus, I studied up on how to support her in recovery from both alcohol and bipolar, and now it seems like I have wasted my time learning about them. Unless, of course, it is valuable to me to know how to recognize and avoid allowing others with similar problems into my life in the first place - something I didn't know how to spot before.
I will give her all the space she needs. If she comes back, she comes back. Of course, it is a little difficult to provide that space when she lives 6 feet away, in the apartment accross the hall.
:-(
George
Shelly - yes she is on meds for the bipolar. However, the drinking masked the mood swings and interfered with the meds so much that her pdoc wasn't sure even what illness she had. They are working on adjusting the "cocktail" now (pun not intended).
Cap3 - I understand that sometimes friendships are not forever. I only wish this particular one had lasted longer, in that, selfishly, I have my own issues I could have used some support for now. Plus, I studied up on how to support her in recovery from both alcohol and bipolar, and now it seems like I have wasted my time learning about them. Unless, of course, it is valuable to me to know how to recognize and avoid allowing others with similar problems into my life in the first place - something I didn't know how to spot before.
I will give her all the space she needs. If she comes back, she comes back. Of course, it is a little difficult to provide that space when she lives 6 feet away, in the apartment accross the hall.
:-(
George
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