My recent tale & some thoughts....
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Coventry, England, UK
Posts: 12
My recent tale & some thoughts....
Here is a tale of both the hardest time and what is turning out to be possibly the best time of my life, please excuse grammar & typo's, kindly be patient and gentle, im a little fragile still.....
As a confirmed long time (at least 16 years( "binge drinking" alcoholic in & out of recovery every few months, I had a long period of a form of sobriety during my fathers illness from cancer last year. He sadly passed away last September, we were very close and he was often the only person I would see for weeks as no-one else could ever put up with my drinking and what came with it, long gone are my wife & daughter, friends I have none. Only my dad who insisted on not giving up on me. During his illness and treatment I could see what was inevitibly coming and knew I had to be strong for my Mother and younger Brother, I was suddenly "the man" of the situation, as such I knew I couldnt afford to hit the bottle. The thing is that the weak part of me decided I still needed a "crutch" so i turned to a bit cannabis instead, smoking seemed to dull the pain and helped me to face, or better not to face it, when i came home to an empty house (ive lived alone for over 5 years now). At least I was there. I didnt realise i wasnt really all there till now, not the son he needed next to his bed, just a mildly stoned shadow of myself but at least I wasnt stinking of drink which to me was an acheivement. So I stayed off the drink for about a year but the smoking became more and more, it had taken the place of the drink in almost every way and I didnt even see it coming. It didnt seem to affect me at all, but I know now how it did. I became so lazy, with a "it'll sort itself" or "yeh, i'll do it later" attitude. This is not me at all. I lost myself, my personality, no-one, not even me even noticed a thing. Cunning stuff that.
So to get to the point, I made a concious decision to stop with the drug, i could see how much money it was costing if nothing else, It was a simple finanial deciision at hte time, little more. Its only now I see all it took, and im, shocked, ashamed and suprised to say the least. So, I formulated a plan of my own... how clever I thought... I knew people said that when you stop with the weed you get depressed. I know depression, been there too many timestoo, so I thought "aha so maybe i'll get throught the depression by purchasing x bottles of drink and a few cans of beer to to be sure" seemed liike a good plan at the time. Now if anyones yelling "idiot" and "fool" there really is no need, ive been doing that at myselffor the last few weeks and im tired of punishment now, its over, its done, of course it was a stupid idea, I am after all an alcoholic, it crept up on me andmade me think it was right.
So I stuck to this plan well as it happens... I drank what i bought and decided right then to stop. I didnt go and get more like i normally would have done. SO now I had stopped smoking already a few days and the drink had ran out and began preparations for the usual withdrawal & DT's from the drink....
About 8-10 days later (its hard ot say for sure) I was still laying on the sofa feeling generally "not right at all" I knew the DT's must be over by now but couldnt figure out what had happened.... My mother kept calling on the phone from her far away holiday home accusing me of being drunk, she simply refused to belive a word when I said I was but I stopped over a week ago. I cant blame her, its the "boy who cried wolf" syndrome but all the same it was distressing coming from my mother when i was trying to ask for help, this went on foir a few days. During this time im still on the sofa, i foiund myself unableto make it to the toilet or even outside when I needed, now sorry to be gross but I used a saucepan to go toilet in near the sofa, i simply had no choice. Each time I tried to get water from the tap id fall down so many times I was going black and blue all over. I literally could not stay vertical for more than a few seconds without falling onto the nearest object then the floor. I realised something was very wrong, still no idea what, none at all. I thought to call the doctor, couldnt remember the number or find by book, my mother wouldnt speak to me long enough to help. I had never been so scared in all my life. SO there I am, virtually unable to move, only lay there and wait for something to happen... time passed wihtout notice, no idea of day or night just willing for help. Calling the emergeny number and getting an ambulance honestly never ever occured to me.
Finally my mother relented and gave me the doctors number. I called and asked if he wouldplease come and see me... his replied "why should i?" i despaired. Clearly even my own doctor was sick and tired of my previous antics with abuse and unwilling to "waste his time on me" as he then put it....
I slept, id given up, there was no help for people like me, why should there be? It was all my fault. Thats just the way I felt. Time passed, the next thing i remember is an ambualance and im in it on way to the hospital.
I seemed to make a full recover after a good feeding in hospital. Even then I didnt know why I was there at all. Everyone else did. Easy enough... id almost starved myself to death, literally. I didnt reliase it. Food never once crossed my mind. Ahhhh see, this is the depression part kicking in, during the withdrawal of both the weed & the alcohol, I must have got so depressed i simply didnt bother to eat not a thing, i just didnt feed myself at all. How am I to know the effects of starvation? Thats an all new one on me! Now it all fits, the dizzyness of hunger making me unable to stand and walk.
A few days in the hospital I thought all was well apart from late one night I asked the nurse when they are operating on my mobile phone as i still didnt realise why I was there as I felt perfectly fine myself, I assumed I must be there for the good of my mobile phone. That was a little scary, it quickly passed and I chuckled at it and left it at that.
Worse wasstill to come.... Id been at home for a few days, the hopistal let me go. All was good, then came a phonecall from a physciatric nurse to arrange to meet with me for "a chat" the following day. I was frankly surprised that such a busy person was coming to my house for a chat. Now I must explain I have had past dealing with a few physciatrists and put myselfin the city mental hospital as i thought they would help me. All I will say at this point, as its another long taleof woe, is that as oppsed to helping me, im now scarred for life by the experience, not onlly the 1 night I beared in the place but ongoing side effects and more. Enough said, there is no way I was ever going to that place ever again.
The following day as the time neared i grew more and more anxious, when they arrived and thats is 2 of them, i was expecting 1. Now without going into the technicalities of the Mental Health Act of 1983 it takes 2 qualiifed people to put me into that place again against my own free will. So immediately I convinced myself they had litlerally "come to take me away". Panic set in, irrational, uncontrollable and total panic & distress. I could not talk to them, I tried and tried but not a single word of english came from my lips. I could hear myself talking gibberish and the worse it got the worse I got. Luckily I was able to type! Luckily one of the "nurses" was kind enough to read what I typed, he seemed to get the message. He didnt want to go to that place at all. The other "nurse" was quite adamant that I needed to go there for "assessment". Ok,, to cut it short, I didnt go anywhere and spent the next week still unable to verbally communicate with anyone at all and all i could do was read this act of 1983 to make sure I do everythiing in my power to stay out of that hideous place.
That was what made me as striong as I feel today. Im not a stupid person, I have had many good jobs in my time and am able to turn my hand to almost everything and like to take a pride in my work. But I dont really use my hands a lot, I use my head, I was programming my first home computer at 14 instead ofplaying games like the other kids, I taught myself machine code and number base conversions. I enjoy it, thats all, its what I am, its what I do. See? This is what scared me most of all. It hit my head and id rather chew off my own left leg than loose any part of my brain, its the best hing I have going for me. I know it'll never be what it was but its still good and the idea of loosing my mind is just way too high a price.
Today is a wonderfull day, im sure tomorrow will be too, its like coming out of the darkness. Finally I feel the old Dean coming back. Today I can do anything I like, I can handle all the little things, there is no need to put them off, why should I? Let the world see what I can do when im the real me. At least I remember what used to be, they are not sad memories they are a goal as I know i can be that again and im sticking aroung for a while so I better keep busy!
Phew, thats it. Hope it makes sense, im typing quick and id really rather not proof read it, its out and as far as im concerned thats and end to it. NNow I can start to put it away, it'll never be forgotten but its got to be filed away now.
Thanks for your patience and following are some thoughts that sprung into my head which I just had put somewhere. Just bear in mind im not quite sure what where my head was at the time of writing.
Take care all...
Dean
There are no titles to these, but each one has the time and date of writing at the end.
This battle is won
Not though force or strength but fortune and fate
Finally, for me at least the war is over
I declare a truce
I must have some purpose to still be here. I must achieve every goal
It may be my desire, it matters not, its also my duty
There are no winners in war, only losers
I refuse to take it on again for it is more powerful than any man
Reinforcements never arrive it’s a lonely war
Saddest part is how the innocent get hurt too
This victory is not for pride or celebration
Maybe its not even deserved,
It leaves a bitter taste and repercussions yet unknown
Lets hope that taste lingers forever lest the memory fade
- dap - 19:15 1-10-04
Never felt this way before, and I’m never gonna again
whatever happens its all outa my hands now
if I try it again it’ll be the end for sure
no way is this right, still after all this time things aint right
No way can I tell. no-one to actually tell.
What to say anyway?
It changes every day.
Who could begin to understand?
Is this the way its gonna be forever?
The scariest thing is just not knowing for sure
No-one says “don’t worry, its normal, you’ll be alright soon”
Soon just don’t matter, I don’t need soon, just sometime
I have the rest of my life for that I’m grateful
All I need to know is
Do I have to live with it this way?
Do I have to relearn how to live with this feeling?
Or will it pass over eventually, anytime is just fine, so long as I know
The silence is welcome but will the constant self analysis ever cease?
Maybe its what I asked for but I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy
Maybe the end would have been the easy way out
That may be a fact but I also know it aint that easy either
Im no coward and know that would be a sin, I try not to sin so much
And wouldn’t want to hurt anyone who may even care enough to miss me
It simply wasn’t my intention to get this way, it hit me by surprise this time
All I was trying to do was the right thing and stop it and be the old me again
If I’d known what would happen maybe I’d have thought twice
Well its for the best, is has to be, hell I’ve lost no-one and nothing as everyone and almost everything was already long gone.
Maybe they never existed at all.
What are friends anyway and what is a career and a mortage a wife a 2.4 kids?
To me, nothing, not anymore, only ties other people dreams and chains.
No I don’t need them things, at least I’m free.
Just a crying shame all the years I wasted trying to be part of such a twisted society
I want no part of it, I just have to live in it.
Well I will but don’t ask me to be to be what I’m not
Till you too have been to the gates of hell you have no right to judge me
Still, I cant help, while feeling this way, thinking that this is some punishment
The worst may yet be to come, I simply don’t know for sure
Round and round it keeps on, the torment never ends
The self punishment isn’t physical anymore
Its much worse than that yet only I can tell it’s there at all
Well to hell with it, I’m too busy to be this way, I’m not laying down and giving in
Too much to do today and plans for the next one too.
- dap 21:45 02-10-04
While people form an orderly queue to offer or even force their advice and good intentions on me
Others also make a pathway through to try and hurt me
Don’t they know its not helping? Hurting me only hurts yourself in the end
Don’t they see I hurt myself far more than they ever could?
Good intentions are all very well,
just please keep them to yourself or if you must just offer them to someone else
someone who may really need them and accept them
don’t you see, I don’t need or want that kind of help.
Advice is great too,
but don’t try and tell me about the horror or stupidity of what I did
I’m sick and tired of telling myself
only I know what I actually did
only I am living this nightmare, not you
just leave it.
If that all you have to offer, best left
Looking to the future is what I need now
Not the past, that’s been and it happened
I cant change that, can you?
As it seems I’m sticking around for a while yet
Lets make the best of it.
Time marches on always in the same direction
Much easier to go with the flow,
I’m tired of fighting the current
If you cant accept that or have some problem
Keep it to yourself, maybe its your problem, it’s not mine not anymore
Mine are behind me of that one fact I’m sure
That’s where they must and will stay.
Mention it once and you may as well go away
Leave me alone, talk to the wall it may pay more attention than me
Who needs a recurring nightmare?
Who needs other people to make it all real again?
- dap 22:30 02-10-04
It took all I had,
Slowly over time, and it took the time away with it too,
It took my friends
It took my relationships
My child is mine no more, she has another daddy now
It even let the most important person in my life slip away
I wasn’t even there, not really, not the real me
Part of my mind was away looking for the next fix
So many regrets, nothing I can do to change it
Nothing anyone can do or ever could have done
Then it made its biggest mistake
It hit me where it really hurt
Not an exploding liver or however the doctors horror stories go
They never worked on me as it seems
This may have been the only way
It hit me right in the brain
I almost wish it had tried that one much sooner
That’s is the only thing I have left that’s of any real value now
It works in some kind of way that makes life worthwhile
It has to continue working as it should
Else you may as call the clergyman and fire up the funeral pyre.
Cunning, Devious and Powerful,
How those words echo round my mind
A wiser man than me came up with them
I accepted them years ago
Not till now did realise the truth they held
I may be fairly smart, so people tell me
but it found a back door,
it always will, I know for sure
whatever precautions I take,
whatever preparations I make,
however confident I feel
whatever the state of my health,
Such things are not welcome anywhere near me
I’ve taken all I can take.
I know It will always win
It don’t play by any rules
How could it? There are none.
Its more powerful, more cunning than any man
Its one thing you simply cannot beat
Thing is, you don’t even have to fight it
Why bother? Much easier to cross the road
You may just find its sunnier on the other side anyway.
- dap - 23:00 02-10-04
As a confirmed long time (at least 16 years( "binge drinking" alcoholic in & out of recovery every few months, I had a long period of a form of sobriety during my fathers illness from cancer last year. He sadly passed away last September, we were very close and he was often the only person I would see for weeks as no-one else could ever put up with my drinking and what came with it, long gone are my wife & daughter, friends I have none. Only my dad who insisted on not giving up on me. During his illness and treatment I could see what was inevitibly coming and knew I had to be strong for my Mother and younger Brother, I was suddenly "the man" of the situation, as such I knew I couldnt afford to hit the bottle. The thing is that the weak part of me decided I still needed a "crutch" so i turned to a bit cannabis instead, smoking seemed to dull the pain and helped me to face, or better not to face it, when i came home to an empty house (ive lived alone for over 5 years now). At least I was there. I didnt realise i wasnt really all there till now, not the son he needed next to his bed, just a mildly stoned shadow of myself but at least I wasnt stinking of drink which to me was an acheivement. So I stayed off the drink for about a year but the smoking became more and more, it had taken the place of the drink in almost every way and I didnt even see it coming. It didnt seem to affect me at all, but I know now how it did. I became so lazy, with a "it'll sort itself" or "yeh, i'll do it later" attitude. This is not me at all. I lost myself, my personality, no-one, not even me even noticed a thing. Cunning stuff that.
So to get to the point, I made a concious decision to stop with the drug, i could see how much money it was costing if nothing else, It was a simple finanial deciision at hte time, little more. Its only now I see all it took, and im, shocked, ashamed and suprised to say the least. So, I formulated a plan of my own... how clever I thought... I knew people said that when you stop with the weed you get depressed. I know depression, been there too many timestoo, so I thought "aha so maybe i'll get throught the depression by purchasing x bottles of drink and a few cans of beer to to be sure" seemed liike a good plan at the time. Now if anyones yelling "idiot" and "fool" there really is no need, ive been doing that at myselffor the last few weeks and im tired of punishment now, its over, its done, of course it was a stupid idea, I am after all an alcoholic, it crept up on me andmade me think it was right.
So I stuck to this plan well as it happens... I drank what i bought and decided right then to stop. I didnt go and get more like i normally would have done. SO now I had stopped smoking already a few days and the drink had ran out and began preparations for the usual withdrawal & DT's from the drink....
About 8-10 days later (its hard ot say for sure) I was still laying on the sofa feeling generally "not right at all" I knew the DT's must be over by now but couldnt figure out what had happened.... My mother kept calling on the phone from her far away holiday home accusing me of being drunk, she simply refused to belive a word when I said I was but I stopped over a week ago. I cant blame her, its the "boy who cried wolf" syndrome but all the same it was distressing coming from my mother when i was trying to ask for help, this went on foir a few days. During this time im still on the sofa, i foiund myself unableto make it to the toilet or even outside when I needed, now sorry to be gross but I used a saucepan to go toilet in near the sofa, i simply had no choice. Each time I tried to get water from the tap id fall down so many times I was going black and blue all over. I literally could not stay vertical for more than a few seconds without falling onto the nearest object then the floor. I realised something was very wrong, still no idea what, none at all. I thought to call the doctor, couldnt remember the number or find by book, my mother wouldnt speak to me long enough to help. I had never been so scared in all my life. SO there I am, virtually unable to move, only lay there and wait for something to happen... time passed wihtout notice, no idea of day or night just willing for help. Calling the emergeny number and getting an ambulance honestly never ever occured to me.
Finally my mother relented and gave me the doctors number. I called and asked if he wouldplease come and see me... his replied "why should i?" i despaired. Clearly even my own doctor was sick and tired of my previous antics with abuse and unwilling to "waste his time on me" as he then put it....
I slept, id given up, there was no help for people like me, why should there be? It was all my fault. Thats just the way I felt. Time passed, the next thing i remember is an ambualance and im in it on way to the hospital.
I seemed to make a full recover after a good feeding in hospital. Even then I didnt know why I was there at all. Everyone else did. Easy enough... id almost starved myself to death, literally. I didnt reliase it. Food never once crossed my mind. Ahhhh see, this is the depression part kicking in, during the withdrawal of both the weed & the alcohol, I must have got so depressed i simply didnt bother to eat not a thing, i just didnt feed myself at all. How am I to know the effects of starvation? Thats an all new one on me! Now it all fits, the dizzyness of hunger making me unable to stand and walk.
A few days in the hospital I thought all was well apart from late one night I asked the nurse when they are operating on my mobile phone as i still didnt realise why I was there as I felt perfectly fine myself, I assumed I must be there for the good of my mobile phone. That was a little scary, it quickly passed and I chuckled at it and left it at that.
Worse wasstill to come.... Id been at home for a few days, the hopistal let me go. All was good, then came a phonecall from a physciatric nurse to arrange to meet with me for "a chat" the following day. I was frankly surprised that such a busy person was coming to my house for a chat. Now I must explain I have had past dealing with a few physciatrists and put myselfin the city mental hospital as i thought they would help me. All I will say at this point, as its another long taleof woe, is that as oppsed to helping me, im now scarred for life by the experience, not onlly the 1 night I beared in the place but ongoing side effects and more. Enough said, there is no way I was ever going to that place ever again.
The following day as the time neared i grew more and more anxious, when they arrived and thats is 2 of them, i was expecting 1. Now without going into the technicalities of the Mental Health Act of 1983 it takes 2 qualiifed people to put me into that place again against my own free will. So immediately I convinced myself they had litlerally "come to take me away". Panic set in, irrational, uncontrollable and total panic & distress. I could not talk to them, I tried and tried but not a single word of english came from my lips. I could hear myself talking gibberish and the worse it got the worse I got. Luckily I was able to type! Luckily one of the "nurses" was kind enough to read what I typed, he seemed to get the message. He didnt want to go to that place at all. The other "nurse" was quite adamant that I needed to go there for "assessment". Ok,, to cut it short, I didnt go anywhere and spent the next week still unable to verbally communicate with anyone at all and all i could do was read this act of 1983 to make sure I do everythiing in my power to stay out of that hideous place.
That was what made me as striong as I feel today. Im not a stupid person, I have had many good jobs in my time and am able to turn my hand to almost everything and like to take a pride in my work. But I dont really use my hands a lot, I use my head, I was programming my first home computer at 14 instead ofplaying games like the other kids, I taught myself machine code and number base conversions. I enjoy it, thats all, its what I am, its what I do. See? This is what scared me most of all. It hit my head and id rather chew off my own left leg than loose any part of my brain, its the best hing I have going for me. I know it'll never be what it was but its still good and the idea of loosing my mind is just way too high a price.
Today is a wonderfull day, im sure tomorrow will be too, its like coming out of the darkness. Finally I feel the old Dean coming back. Today I can do anything I like, I can handle all the little things, there is no need to put them off, why should I? Let the world see what I can do when im the real me. At least I remember what used to be, they are not sad memories they are a goal as I know i can be that again and im sticking aroung for a while so I better keep busy!
Phew, thats it. Hope it makes sense, im typing quick and id really rather not proof read it, its out and as far as im concerned thats and end to it. NNow I can start to put it away, it'll never be forgotten but its got to be filed away now.
Thanks for your patience and following are some thoughts that sprung into my head which I just had put somewhere. Just bear in mind im not quite sure what where my head was at the time of writing.
Take care all...
Dean
There are no titles to these, but each one has the time and date of writing at the end.
This battle is won
Not though force or strength but fortune and fate
Finally, for me at least the war is over
I declare a truce
I must have some purpose to still be here. I must achieve every goal
It may be my desire, it matters not, its also my duty
There are no winners in war, only losers
I refuse to take it on again for it is more powerful than any man
Reinforcements never arrive it’s a lonely war
Saddest part is how the innocent get hurt too
This victory is not for pride or celebration
Maybe its not even deserved,
It leaves a bitter taste and repercussions yet unknown
Lets hope that taste lingers forever lest the memory fade
- dap - 19:15 1-10-04
Never felt this way before, and I’m never gonna again
whatever happens its all outa my hands now
if I try it again it’ll be the end for sure
no way is this right, still after all this time things aint right
No way can I tell. no-one to actually tell.
What to say anyway?
It changes every day.
Who could begin to understand?
Is this the way its gonna be forever?
The scariest thing is just not knowing for sure
No-one says “don’t worry, its normal, you’ll be alright soon”
Soon just don’t matter, I don’t need soon, just sometime
I have the rest of my life for that I’m grateful
All I need to know is
Do I have to live with it this way?
Do I have to relearn how to live with this feeling?
Or will it pass over eventually, anytime is just fine, so long as I know
The silence is welcome but will the constant self analysis ever cease?
Maybe its what I asked for but I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy
Maybe the end would have been the easy way out
That may be a fact but I also know it aint that easy either
Im no coward and know that would be a sin, I try not to sin so much
And wouldn’t want to hurt anyone who may even care enough to miss me
It simply wasn’t my intention to get this way, it hit me by surprise this time
All I was trying to do was the right thing and stop it and be the old me again
If I’d known what would happen maybe I’d have thought twice
Well its for the best, is has to be, hell I’ve lost no-one and nothing as everyone and almost everything was already long gone.
Maybe they never existed at all.
What are friends anyway and what is a career and a mortage a wife a 2.4 kids?
To me, nothing, not anymore, only ties other people dreams and chains.
No I don’t need them things, at least I’m free.
Just a crying shame all the years I wasted trying to be part of such a twisted society
I want no part of it, I just have to live in it.
Well I will but don’t ask me to be to be what I’m not
Till you too have been to the gates of hell you have no right to judge me
Still, I cant help, while feeling this way, thinking that this is some punishment
The worst may yet be to come, I simply don’t know for sure
Round and round it keeps on, the torment never ends
The self punishment isn’t physical anymore
Its much worse than that yet only I can tell it’s there at all
Well to hell with it, I’m too busy to be this way, I’m not laying down and giving in
Too much to do today and plans for the next one too.
- dap 21:45 02-10-04
While people form an orderly queue to offer or even force their advice and good intentions on me
Others also make a pathway through to try and hurt me
Don’t they know its not helping? Hurting me only hurts yourself in the end
Don’t they see I hurt myself far more than they ever could?
Good intentions are all very well,
just please keep them to yourself or if you must just offer them to someone else
someone who may really need them and accept them
don’t you see, I don’t need or want that kind of help.
Advice is great too,
but don’t try and tell me about the horror or stupidity of what I did
I’m sick and tired of telling myself
only I know what I actually did
only I am living this nightmare, not you
just leave it.
If that all you have to offer, best left
Looking to the future is what I need now
Not the past, that’s been and it happened
I cant change that, can you?
As it seems I’m sticking around for a while yet
Lets make the best of it.
Time marches on always in the same direction
Much easier to go with the flow,
I’m tired of fighting the current
If you cant accept that or have some problem
Keep it to yourself, maybe its your problem, it’s not mine not anymore
Mine are behind me of that one fact I’m sure
That’s where they must and will stay.
Mention it once and you may as well go away
Leave me alone, talk to the wall it may pay more attention than me
Who needs a recurring nightmare?
Who needs other people to make it all real again?
- dap 22:30 02-10-04
It took all I had,
Slowly over time, and it took the time away with it too,
It took my friends
It took my relationships
My child is mine no more, she has another daddy now
It even let the most important person in my life slip away
I wasn’t even there, not really, not the real me
Part of my mind was away looking for the next fix
So many regrets, nothing I can do to change it
Nothing anyone can do or ever could have done
Then it made its biggest mistake
It hit me where it really hurt
Not an exploding liver or however the doctors horror stories go
They never worked on me as it seems
This may have been the only way
It hit me right in the brain
I almost wish it had tried that one much sooner
That’s is the only thing I have left that’s of any real value now
It works in some kind of way that makes life worthwhile
It has to continue working as it should
Else you may as call the clergyman and fire up the funeral pyre.
Cunning, Devious and Powerful,
How those words echo round my mind
A wiser man than me came up with them
I accepted them years ago
Not till now did realise the truth they held
I may be fairly smart, so people tell me
but it found a back door,
it always will, I know for sure
whatever precautions I take,
whatever preparations I make,
however confident I feel
whatever the state of my health,
Such things are not welcome anywhere near me
I’ve taken all I can take.
I know It will always win
It don’t play by any rules
How could it? There are none.
Its more powerful, more cunning than any man
Its one thing you simply cannot beat
Thing is, you don’t even have to fight it
Why bother? Much easier to cross the road
You may just find its sunnier on the other side anyway.
- dap - 23:00 02-10-04
Member
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 425
Dean that was amazing! Thank you so much for taking the time to write that out for us. Your story is sad indeed. Somebody was looking out for you. Why do we have to hit such lows to "get it"? Guess at this point it doesn't matter the route we took to get where we are now, as long as we are here.
I can totally relate to your poems. I saw myself, my emotions, my feelings, my acceptance of the disease, as well as my hope for the future in your words too.
It really encouraged me to read what you wrote. Thank you again for that
Diana
I can totally relate to your poems. I saw myself, my emotions, my feelings, my acceptance of the disease, as well as my hope for the future in your words too.
It really encouraged me to read what you wrote. Thank you again for that
Diana
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2004
Location: Coventry, England, UK
Posts: 12
Diana, That makes me very happy. Sincerely! I didnt do it for all for myself. Maybe now i can find peace, serenity and may try sleep again, its almost 4:30am here but my head is so full of the the wonders of the world and all the things I should have been doing all that time.
I do also realise they are not in fact truly accurate having had another quick scan. I realise the fight may have only just started, but this one is one im in for keeps, on the frontline and locked n'loaded and ready for whatever life can throw at me. In fact the last week has been quite a challenge, things seem determined to fall apart around me but ive beaten everything thats came at meso far. Good for the confidence to deal with things rather than putting them off "till later" i know now "later" never comes.
I hope future readers realise the intent and the spirit and maybe imagine where my head was when writing as they were never inteded to be a "gospel according to Dean", it just sorta flowed out. I love to create things, so i did thats all.
One thing I dont want is for people to get the wrong end of the stick and offer sympathy, that was not the intent and please dont offer help. Im fine, really, just being here on this earth is enough for me. If or when I need help i'll make it known, beleive me! For now, I know I have a "higher power" or a "guardian angel" biut to me its a shepherd I shall not want. Lets keep it that way.
Take it easy & thanks again for being here!
Dean
I do also realise they are not in fact truly accurate having had another quick scan. I realise the fight may have only just started, but this one is one im in for keeps, on the frontline and locked n'loaded and ready for whatever life can throw at me. In fact the last week has been quite a challenge, things seem determined to fall apart around me but ive beaten everything thats came at meso far. Good for the confidence to deal with things rather than putting them off "till later" i know now "later" never comes.
I hope future readers realise the intent and the spirit and maybe imagine where my head was when writing as they were never inteded to be a "gospel according to Dean", it just sorta flowed out. I love to create things, so i did thats all.
One thing I dont want is for people to get the wrong end of the stick and offer sympathy, that was not the intent and please dont offer help. Im fine, really, just being here on this earth is enough for me. If or when I need help i'll make it known, beleive me! For now, I know I have a "higher power" or a "guardian angel" biut to me its a shepherd I shall not want. Lets keep it that way.
Take it easy & thanks again for being here!
Dean
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
