I'm so mad at my Sponsee - not really
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2012
Location: Athens, Georgia
Posts: 962
I'm so mad at my Sponsee - not really
We had agreed to meet this morning. He was on an elated b/s rant yesterday about how much he appreciates me working with him, how great he feels after just a few days sober ... yeah,yeah,yeah.
This morning his phone answers and then ... click. Guess what happened after we talked last night, after the b/s rant about 'feeling' so great ??? Yeah, the elation led to the AUTOMATIC addictive behavior of yet another trip to ... Pitiful and Incomprehensible Demoralization.
So, when he sobers up ... I don't care at all about the remorse, the oh I'm such a loser, blah, blah, blah ... No $#!+ Sherlock.
Bottom line - the addiction has control. All the thoughts, prayers, sharing, good intentions, props to his sponsor, bad thoughts, self-recrimination, ad-nauseum, MEANS NOTHING!!! The ONLY thing that will change this is DOING THE WORK. The 'Balance Scales' are totally tipped by the 'Weight' of the Addiction. He needs to do the WORK - the prayers, the readings, the meditations, the personally inventories, the meetings, the prayers, the meditations, listening to the Recovery messages, the readings, the meetings, the readings, the prayers, the meditations, listening to the Recovery messages, the inventories ... until they are coming out his eyes, ears, nose and A$$#0LE ... and the WEIGHT of the WORK tips the balance FROM the B/S running his mind, body and soul, TO the NEW Reality of a Transformed Life.
And I will explain that he has NOT failed and will forever be a hopeless alcoholic or addict ... he has FAILED to DO THE WORK until the WORK has done its TRANSFORMATION.
RDBplus3 ... STOP the B/S and DO THE WORK until the MIRACLE happens.
This morning his phone answers and then ... click. Guess what happened after we talked last night, after the b/s rant about 'feeling' so great ??? Yeah, the elation led to the AUTOMATIC addictive behavior of yet another trip to ... Pitiful and Incomprehensible Demoralization.
So, when he sobers up ... I don't care at all about the remorse, the oh I'm such a loser, blah, blah, blah ... No $#!+ Sherlock.
Bottom line - the addiction has control. All the thoughts, prayers, sharing, good intentions, props to his sponsor, bad thoughts, self-recrimination, ad-nauseum, MEANS NOTHING!!! The ONLY thing that will change this is DOING THE WORK. The 'Balance Scales' are totally tipped by the 'Weight' of the Addiction. He needs to do the WORK - the prayers, the readings, the meditations, the personally inventories, the meetings, the prayers, the meditations, listening to the Recovery messages, the readings, the meetings, the readings, the prayers, the meditations, listening to the Recovery messages, the inventories ... until they are coming out his eyes, ears, nose and A$$#0LE ... and the WEIGHT of the WORK tips the balance FROM the B/S running his mind, body and soul, TO the NEW Reality of a Transformed Life.
And I will explain that he has NOT failed and will forever be a hopeless alcoholic or addict ... he has FAILED to DO THE WORK until the WORK has done its TRANSFORMATION.
RDBplus3 ... STOP the B/S and DO THE WORK until the MIRACLE happens.
voices ca**y
Join Date: Mar 2013
Location: St. Paul Minnesota
Posts: 4,359
I had a similar experience with my brother. He had some really bad things happen during his one of his drinking episodes. I was trying to talk to him about the process of quitting as he genuinely wants to be free of this. It was a couple of days past this episode and he had been sober for about 4 days. I was dropping him off at his house after work and he told me he had absolutely no desire to drink. Somewhere in the hour between me dropping him off and his GF getting home he got drunk. WTF? I think he honestly believed what he told me about not wanting to drink in that particular moment.
That's part of the cycle though; drink, feel same and regret, want to be free, feel better, drink again. A big difference I notice between myself, who was able to quit, and my brother, a chronic alcoholic, is that I was able to more easily accept that abstinence is the solution. He is still trying to figure out a way to incorporate drinking into his life. I hope your sponsee and my brother will be able to recognize what they are up against soon so they can get better.
That's part of the cycle though; drink, feel same and regret, want to be free, feel better, drink again. A big difference I notice between myself, who was able to quit, and my brother, a chronic alcoholic, is that I was able to more easily accept that abstinence is the solution. He is still trying to figure out a way to incorporate drinking into his life. I hope your sponsee and my brother will be able to recognize what they are up against soon so they can get better.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: NC
Posts: 1,737
RDB, I've worked with a few guys like that.
Two observations: 1) the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and 2) you cannot make someone else "get it." I don't know if the guys who seemed so eager at first were really looking for relief from consequences rather than relief from the disease, or simply that in their heart of hearts were not convinced that they needed the program. Either way, they were unwilling to do the work, and in the end couldn't stay sober.
I do know that during the course of my drinking career I ignored the many signs that I was out of control, and several times dismissed direct appeals to help me get sober. I guess what I am saying is... the motivation to stay sober is intrinsic, not extrinsic. No outside entity can give someone the essentials to stay sober: willingness, honesty, and open mindedness.
This does not mean that you should change anything in what you are doing. We cannot (nor should we try) judge whether someone else is willing, we can only pray that they are, and do what we can to share our ES&H.
And finally, as one of my favorite people is fond of saying... did you drink today? If not, working with your sponsee is doing what it is supposed to do.
Two observations: 1) the road to hell is paved with good intentions, and 2) you cannot make someone else "get it." I don't know if the guys who seemed so eager at first were really looking for relief from consequences rather than relief from the disease, or simply that in their heart of hearts were not convinced that they needed the program. Either way, they were unwilling to do the work, and in the end couldn't stay sober.
I do know that during the course of my drinking career I ignored the many signs that I was out of control, and several times dismissed direct appeals to help me get sober. I guess what I am saying is... the motivation to stay sober is intrinsic, not extrinsic. No outside entity can give someone the essentials to stay sober: willingness, honesty, and open mindedness.
This does not mean that you should change anything in what you are doing. We cannot (nor should we try) judge whether someone else is willing, we can only pray that they are, and do what we can to share our ES&H.
And finally, as one of my favorite people is fond of saying... did you drink today? If not, working with your sponsee is doing what it is supposed to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2013
Location: maine
Posts: 158
I have done this same cycle over and over - at the moment you really believe you are going to stop the crazy bus - 2 minutes later, you're back on it. Transformation through hard work is the only way and each moment a fresh step.
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
A bit of Sun Tzu...
In his famous book,'The Art of War', which is about life itself really, he suggests that,'If you know the enemy (alcohol) and know yourself (the exact nature of the disease/illness of alcoholism see ,'The Doctor's Opinion', in the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous.') you need not fear the result of one hundred battles.'
Which takes into the most vital area of anyones recovery from the disease/illness of alcoholism. Which, of itself is a two-fold illness comprising of a physical allergy and a mental obsession, which is not a vice or an addiction...of recognition and acceptance.
From personal experience, I'd suggest that until these two things are firmly in place, no one can make any recovery. It'll always be hindered by the actions and behaviour already referred to.
Equally so, applying Stoic philosophy, which in its basic form is strongly linked to,'The Serenity Prayer,' for both the Sponsor and the Sponsee, Marcus Aurelius said,'If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but your estimate of it and you have the power to evoke it at any moment.'
Just a thought ...
Which takes into the most vital area of anyones recovery from the disease/illness of alcoholism. Which, of itself is a two-fold illness comprising of a physical allergy and a mental obsession, which is not a vice or an addiction...of recognition and acceptance.
From personal experience, I'd suggest that until these two things are firmly in place, no one can make any recovery. It'll always be hindered by the actions and behaviour already referred to.
Equally so, applying Stoic philosophy, which in its basic form is strongly linked to,'The Serenity Prayer,' for both the Sponsor and the Sponsee, Marcus Aurelius said,'If you are distressed by anything external, the pain is not due to the thing itself but your estimate of it and you have the power to evoke it at any moment.'
Just a thought ...
Trudgin
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 6,348
Practical experience shows that nothing will so much insure immunity from drinking as intensive work with other alcoholics. It works when other activities fail. This is our twelfth suggestion: Carry this message to other alcoholics! You can help when no one else can. Remember they are very ill.
An altruistic program, yes - but 12th step is critical not for them but us!
If he doesn't want to get it or isn't ready, simply move on
There's plenty who need and want help.........
Nothing to drink over
An altruistic program, yes - but 12th step is critical not for them but us!
If he doesn't want to get it or isn't ready, simply move on
There's plenty who need and want help.........
Nothing to drink over
Redmayne
Join Date: Apr 2011
Location: Manchester, England, UK.
Posts: 1,543
It's a 'selfish program'...
Quite right, it is after all a 'selfish program', perhaps proven by the fact that a year after he got sober. Spent working intensively with drunks, Bill W,who together with the first 100 wrote the book,'Alcoholics Anonymous', in which that suggestion was made.
Returned home one night tired and frustrated by the fact that not one of those he'd tried to help gain sobriety had done so. They'd all remained drunk.
It wasn't until his wife, Lois, with usual feminine intuition, take a bow ladies, pointed out to him, that it was the first time he'd stayed sober for such a length of time.
From which sprung the idea of one drunk talking to another to help keep both of them sober.
Some credit, Lois is being the person responsible for starting AA, on the basis of this and it's been working ever since ... certainly worked for me.
Returned home one night tired and frustrated by the fact that not one of those he'd tried to help gain sobriety had done so. They'd all remained drunk.
It wasn't until his wife, Lois, with usual feminine intuition, take a bow ladies, pointed out to him, that it was the first time he'd stayed sober for such a length of time.
From which sprung the idea of one drunk talking to another to help keep both of them sober.
Some credit, Lois is being the person responsible for starting AA, on the basis of this and it's been working ever since ... certainly worked for me.
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