Redmayne

One aspect of my recovery is taken from that part of Zen philosophy that says that,'No one and nothing is trash.' When I realised in the early days of it that there was still a lot of trash adhering to me, picked up on my lifes journey. Some even before my inherent alcoholism even manifested itself when I started drinking.

Also swayed by the idea, taken from a quote in the tv series 'Breaking Bad', that just because you shot Jesse James, didn't make you Jesse James. Transferred to the idea that just because I got sober, didn't mean the trash, I've previously referred to had all disappeared on its own. I was still me...

On that basis and in order to change both me and recycle the trash in a useful fashion, I resolved to find, recognize and accept the real me, making changes where appropriate but never denying what had lead me to this point in my life. After all, if no one and nothing is trash, it must all have been there for a reason. Otherwise what was the point in my life, then, now and in the future. Logically it made no sense.

Then one day, in a good quality newspaper, I read the profile of a 97 year old, psychologist apparently still teaching at Harvard Law School in which he was quoted as saying that on reflection of his life he had come to realize that those people, he first thought had come into his life at random. Had not done so at all, they had all been there for a purpose. I think it goes without saying that as an intelligent, articulate person, he was referring to people both good and bad.

This to me was a perfect example of how, in order to make progress in one area of my recovery, I should 'sort through the trash'. Which would at the same time allow me to recycle it in a constructive, useful fashion to aid my recovery and be thankful for those people who had come into my life, who disturbed me. Making me be able to choose, in my ongoing journey to find and be my true self, just as I am. Exactly the person I don't want to be...

Ensuring that in becoming my whole self, the will no longer exist in its original form but have, in one sense taken on a life of it's own, in assisting and strengthening my recovery.

silentrun

This reminds me of my PAWS episodes. I referred to it as "crossing the river PAWS". It would start slowly like wading in until your feet couldn't touch bottom. Then in the middle of this river was a whirlpool of crazy thoughts and emotions going round and round in obsessive grandeur until I was sure I was going under. Slowly I could start to feel my tippy toes touch and I knew I was going to make it to the shore. Pulling myself out and sitting there it felt like these thoughts were wet sticky trash clinging on to me. I would sit there and clean myself off until I found that pearl created by it. I would close my fist around that treasure, get up and keep walking until I came to the next river PAWS. There were many of these episodes. I remember being stuck in the middle of one of these knowing full well I was going to get a great prize at the end but just wanting to hold my breath and stay under.

Red Pmed me this song. Great song for this thread.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QFljhKS3qYY

Redmayne

I had similar experiences of my swimming towards the shore, with the prize or gift being, on reaching it, my sobriety, complete with a modest welcoming committee that would share my joy...