Redmayne

Doubtless, in recovery like many others taking their first steps in a world that was no longer supported (?) by a daily consumption of the delusional 'crutch' of alcohol and meant that I now had to face life, on life's terms.... Easier said than done, as I'm sure many who have trodden the same path before me will agree.

Many questions arose on a daily basis on my own competency and ability to take my place, 'in a society that once rejected me' as it says somewhere in the A A literature.

Just about anything and everything, big and small was encompassed in that, one of the things I remembered in that was that everyone and everything, for some reason I can't explain, seemed to move at a lower pace?

On reflection, it was all quite normal and I now tend to think, in sobriety a lot of it was founded on my just appreciating life going on around me, exactly as it should do.

I also remember the terrific feeling of pride I got, again in recovery on having just , not only been welcomed but opening a bank account. I hadn't had one for years! I was a strictly cash only guy, which as we all know tends to knock not only your credit but your actual credibility as a person in todays society.

As the days, weeks, months and now years have progressed much in this area of recovery has got better, all in as positive constructive manner at a level which allows me to be no more and no less than to be ,'comfortable in my own skin'. Something, at a level, I don't think any of us, no matter where we've come from, what we've lost, be it health, financial security, relationships, etc. in our drinking days, can ask, in recovery, for.

However, one of the final questions I have to ask myself, in recovery, which I've never asked myself before, and for which I feel a bit stupid. Although I think a lot of my negative traits are just the leftover traits of my drinking days.

Perhaps others may have experienced this to? Then again, perhaps it's just me doing what I always do, to the extent that I end up,'failing to see the woods for the trees'???

Why can't I, just in being myself, in recovery, safe, sane and sober. Be one, or at least see myself as one of the 'good guys'?

The answer is, setting aside my own state of mind, the very state of mind that I changed to get into recovery in the first place, none!

As it says in the Big Book, most alcoholics, when not in their cups, are friendly, able and intelligent people. In truth and reality they are often more, much more than that and have, with their respective talents and abilities, however big or small, much to offer to their fellow man and society in general, as throughout the years has often been proved. You only,despite their faults and failings, have to look at the two co-founders of A A to see that...

I think then, in recovery that it's about time I chided myself for not answering that question sooner. Together with the fact that, in doing so recognized I've 'served my sentence' and it's time I let the past go and just for a change saw myself as one of the 'good guys', no longer hindered by the sense of fear, guilt, low self esteem and self loathing, that all of us carried in our drinking days, to a greater or lesser, often greater extent.

I really should appreciate the gift of my sobriety more, much more!