emtjoanib

I'm losing my mind. I recently asked someone to be my sponsor to take me through the steps again. I have 25 years of sobriety and work what I think is a strong program. (lots of meetings, reaching out to newcomers, making coffee, speaking commitments etc. ) Sponsor is very controlling, rigid and no nonsense about "how it works" and how one should work their program, and makes a point of pointing it out whenever she feels someone is lacking in one area of their program. I'm OK with this as I am confident in my sobriety and program.
One of my sponsees has 20+ years of sobriety. She also works a strong program. She is an expert at spotting a newcomer and putting her hand out.
She's very laid back and enjoys her program and sobriety. Occasionally when she shares, she goes off topic and goes into detail about whatever situation she is sharing about. Generally she is a happy and kind person who is well liked by everyone in the meetings we go to.
This drives my sponsor crazy and usually I get a phone call afterward.
I've told her to call her sponsor instead of me, reminded her about principles above personalities, and pointed out that their are no "rules" about sharing.
Recently she told me that my sponsee did not have any quality of sobriety.
I really want to finish going through the steps with her, but I'm so done with listening to her judging the quality of other peoples sobriety.

Link91

And this is a perfect example of why I left AA.

LadyinBC

Well remember when you point a finger at someone else's sobriety there are 3 pointing back at you. This is something that she needs to remember. I know for myself when I start judging others, there is normally something going on with me that i don't like. It's not healthy for my recovery.

Obviously this bothers you and maybe you need to sit down and have a serious discussion with your sponsor.

Joe Nerv

Why with 25 years sober, a strong program, and confidence in where you're at - would you seek a person out like this for a sponsor? The person you describe doesn't sound like a person I'd want to emulate. Those are the people in fact that I avoid. They cause a reactions like Link91's. If all the people around me in AA were like that, I think I too would have left. Thankfully they're not.

Since ya asked for help, my helpful advice would be to find a different sponsor. A loving, compassionate, understanding and accepting one. One who's work with the steps has helped them to be less judgmental, and helped them get a handle on their control issues. Memorizing the bigbook and all the witty things one has heard over the years at meeting and on tapes doesn't make for a good program, IMO. Truly living and practicing the principles in all aspects of our life does. Or at least that's what I look for in the people I choose to get close to.

Carlotta

A happy and well liked person who likes AA and is kind to newcomers is someone I d considered as having good sobriety. A rigid critical person who hates someone because they don't conform to her ideas about proper sharing sounds like someone I d avoid at all costs and who has nothing that I d want.
She sounds like a miserable grinch...do you need those kind of energies in your life?
I hope you'll stick with your sponsee.

dSober

Time to find another sponsor.

afloatsober

Maybe the 'other people' have something that she wants.
I would change.
Life and sobriety are too short.
From a 'newbie' with love.
G

gvrecovery

This is why I left AA as well, sponsors are insane too, a point many of them don't comprehend

dSober

I repeat... find another sponsor. I've had several. If one no longer fit where I was, I found one that did.

Eddiebuckle

All sponsors are human, and all humans are package deals. The question is whether she is a good fit for you. The broadest criteria for finding is new sponsor is whether the person has what you want - I would say that being hypercritical and controlling are not character traits you are hoping to enhance in yourself.

The acid test for a good relationship is that interaction leaves both parties better off because of it. It sounds as though this person leaves a bit to be desired in that department. I would seriously consider moving on.

emtjoanib

Thank you all for the feedback. The reason I chose this person to take me through the steps again is because I have sat through many step meetings with her and she shares the nuances about the steps that I've not heard before. I will continue to go through the steps with her and then find another sponsor.

I am a low maintenance sponsee. I don't need a sponsor like I did in the beginning. All of the promises have come true in my life and I avoid drama at all costs. Hubby and I are retired and have many blessing in our life. I have nothing to complain about.

As far as my sponsee, we are very close and I will be honored to be her sponsor as long as she wants. When I have finished the steps, I will go through them with her.

Again, thanks for the feedback.

Redmayne

As Sun Tzu says in his famous book, 'The Art of War'...'You must control events, otherwise events will control you', so it sounds like a tactical withdrawal is necessary. If only to preserve both your sanity and more importantly, your sobriety...

desypete

my sponsor is nuts !!! but then so am i so its match
my sponsor is 36 years sober and laughs a lot in life
i am 10 years sober and i also laugh a lot these days even with losing my son i am finding my sense of humour again around the meetings
my sponsor is always there to help others and he also has a life with his wife and his kids
he listens to me moaning and he somehow makes me see that i am looking at things in the wrong way normaly if i hear him laughing down the other end of the phone i know its me again
my sponsor thanks me for being his sponsee as i always remind him of the growth in aa

just like when i see a new comer in the room who is shaking it take me back to my first day i give that to my sponsor and also it helps him spot things about himself as well

so its a 2 way thing but you must find the right person for you i am so so lucky to have my sponsor everyone around aa chases after him as they trust him
its not putting him on a pedastal as i know he is only human and can have a bad day but not very often does he ever have a bad day
he is to happy with his lot
and to think this guy is just like me he is far more up the road than me but his sobrity shines and has done for many many years
he never tells anyone what to do he just listens and might offer up a suggestion or 2
if aa could churn out people like this who worked the 12 steps then we would have a true fellowship of love
sadly people do things in different ways as we are different and some can not get the freedom part of living sober they have to hold on to some of there bad ways like making people do things there way or having judgments on people etc

there not so easy to lose when your an extreme person but we have to work on it within ourselves
i love my sponsor today like i love my kids i could only wish everyone in aa could find real gems
i am sad to hear people leave because of sponsors i hope they come back and find people who have the right heart in the fellowship
they are there just find them

silentrun

Maybe you are actually supposed to help her.

Pipefish

Ditto what other contributors have said. She certainly doesn't sound like my cup of tea...and I too am wondering what the appeal is for you? There must be something....?

I wouldn't be comfortable with someone, at any stage of long-term sobriety, who sees fit to intervene, even if only with comments about a 3rd party, particularly when their opinion on that 3rd party is not being sought. In writing this, I'm assuming you're not seeking her advice about your sponsee or raising difficulties with your sponsoring relationship?

As a person, never mind about AA, she doesn't sound (from what you've written here) either particularly pleasant, or particularly content - both of which one may hope for after a length of sobriety - not all the time, granted, but as a fundamental thread of a sober life - if those are not present, or apparent, then what on earth would be, or is the point of being sober? Mind you, having said that, the strangest things can bring contentment, and depending on where I'm at, and it's usually not a good place when it happens, tearing someone else to shreds can feel pretty good. I wouldn't ask me to sponsor me, or anyone else, when I'm in that space though ;-) The disturbing thing about what you write here though, is that your sponsor isn't owning her response to your sponsee, or more appropriately, discussing with her sponsor what it is that bother her so much about the person you're sponsoring, without involving you one bit. That is not so good.

Me, I'm very careful about the company I keep, AA or otherwise, and where at all possible (and it is possible for the most part, aside from those you're flung together with in a work situation for example - my approach there being keep it brief, light and non-controversial) stay close to people with whom I can share warm and healthy relationships, not overly testing ones. The overly is italicized as a nod to the fact that this is a work in progress, not a done deal ;-) but it does mean I choose the company I keep.....carefully. The question here for you perhaps, is the level of discomfort you feel, that has remained un-dealt with, as if not hurting your sponsor's feelings is more important than making a decision that for you preserves your integrity. It is interesting too how reasonably you have attempted to deal with this situation. I really identify with that one!! I do, or did (less nowadays) have a habit of misplaced loyalty, and a tendency to be 'reasonable' when actually, situations had gone way beyond a stage that anyone genuinely reasonable would consider 'reasonable'.

I'm not an expert on the programme, or AA, or life ;-) but I do feel that if practicing the principles of the programme doesn't at least contribute in some part to my being at the very least as consistent as I possibly can (which at an elementary level includes not saying a sugary sweet hello, and then promptly taking someone's inventory the moment their back is turned...it all becomes more complex as time goes on) then there is something going wrong with how I'm practicing the principles in my life and relationships.

So!!! Yes, maybe do, find another sponsor!!! In instances like this though, I have too found it useful to reflect on why that choice was made, why that person....usually valuable information in that reflection about where I was at....

Wish you well

dSober

I haven't yet personally bumped into someone who preaches the steps well but doesn't live them. I'm sure they're out there though. Like anywhere/anything else, it takes all kinds. Best to teach by example however.

MDL

X100

Sadly, sponsors like that (and others with a similar "take the cotton out of your ears and stick it in your mouth" mentality) are the reason a lot of people don't "keep coming.."

I saw way too much of this over the course of time and it got to me. I was becoming resentful towards the program in general.. I understand its the "loud minority" type situation, but it does wear on you overtime..

Nuudawn

I'm sorry but is the behaviour of your sponsor not somewhat...drama? The judgement, the criticism..the phone calls afterward to kvetch about someone else's sobriety or point of view.

I am not a member of AA so cannot comment from that perspective. I was and it wasn't a good fit for me...but I find no need to bash the program. There are super cool people in that lot for every rigid narrow minded AA scripture spewer.

But geez...the stuff you are articulating about your sponsor is toxic. I can't imagine that is something fun to be around.

ultradad

I think I would look for another sponsor. You have to put your own sobriety first...we are all in this struggle together and maybe you and your current sponsor are just not a good fit, it would be best for the both of you.

Gottalife

Well, if they were insane, they wouldn't comprehend it would they?

Sponsors get a bad rap from time to time but they are just people, with feet of clay. I had a bad experience with a woman in early sobriety. Unbeknownst to me, she was a predator, and very sick. There are two things I learned from this experience.

1) most women in AA are wonderful and gracious people, not sick predators.

2) to allow this woman ( or a sponsor or any other person) to get between me and AA, was a death sentence for me. I learned a lot about our program of action through this experience.

I've been in AA a a long time and one observation I have made is that the sponsors usually stay sober. It is not because they have any miracle powers to sober up their sponsees, it is the fact that they are willing to try and help the other person.

Some research on sponsorship I saw recently showed up some interesting stuff.

Basically being sponsored or not being sponsored didn't make much difference to you chance of recovery. However, being a sponsor gave a much greater chance of recovering. The advantage the person being sponsored would have would be that they can learn how to sponsor and gain all the benefits if they put it into practice. Trust God, clean house, help others.