Soberella66

Ive no doubt I inherited the gene that rages through both sides of my family. I became a heavy, instant-blackout drinker by my early twenties. Went to a 'spin dry' facility a handful of times in the last seven years, hundreds of Meetings and as of now I have not been able to go more than 60 days without drinking. The past year I go on a 'night binge' a couple of times a month, then the next day Im sick and terrified and I rush to the nearest meeting in shame or make plans to go to a treatment center but after a few days I start to feel better, the motivation fades and I decide Im ok and I can do it alone.

In earlier attempts to stay sober I felt 'numb' and isolated in the recovery community, I felt I lost a good part of myself and didn't know who I was, there were times I felt so numb that I could not speak, I felt dry and empty and like I was just going through the motions. I also don't do 'tough love' which I found often in traditional recovery modes and Id like to avoid that route as much as possible. I really need to keep the motivation to stay sober going 24/7 and make it my first priority while staying true to myself this time.
Any advice?

Boleo

You mentioned "hundreds of meetings", that sounds like you have tried the fellowship. But have you tried working the program?

Dee74

I think you'll find a lot of support here - we're a very big and wide community...we try to make the place welcome and safe

I used SR for my recovery - checking in here as much as I liked helped keep that motivation.

D

Soberella66

That's an interesting question Boleo! I really like the concepts in the steps, but I hate the mtgs.
And thank you Dee, Ive been enjoying this site just reading as a non-member for quite awhile.
I'm glad I took the next step and signed up.

AG2013

What I have learned so far is that for me quiting drinking is the easy part.
Learning to live sober is the challenge. Its not easy when you have felt comfortable being a drunk for most of your life. Give yourself time to find out who you really are and most of all be your best friend. Define the reasons you want to be sober and remember them each day. Good luck to you.

lillyknitting

Can't you just say, to yourself, I wont drink today. Just today. No more, only think of today x

Soberella66

Thank you AG2013 for your kind words and input.
Great idea Lillyknitting!

awuh1

I would like to echo Boleo's question because I don't think you answered it. Have you worked the steps? The steps are not so much 'concepts' as they are a program, a guide to sober living. 'Concepts' implies that you can understand and or get the benefit of them without actually doing them. I'm afraid that's not the case.

You might give them a try. It does not sound like meetings are cutting it for you.

freshstart57

If you don't want to be addicted to alcohol any more, Soberella, stop drinking. The solution is dead simple, but the execution may not be easy. The degree of difficulty is up to you.

Convince yourself that you no longer drink for any reason, then start doing things that people who do not drink do. Believe in yourself, and your ability to do what you must. You deserve a life without addiction.

KateL

Posting on here is great. So you have made a wonderful start xxxx

hokey

I don't want to be an alcoholic anymore either ... but I always will be. I just choose to be a sober one, rather than an active one Keep coming back here and reading and posting. This community is hugely supportive and has been the backbone of my sobriety so far.

Threshold

Soberella,

This is the first thought that jumped to my mind after reading your opening post.

You don't want to be an alcoholic, but you are afraid to live sober.

It came across like there is something "in there"...deep, that you are afraid to cough up and deal with, and when it might get close to coming out you retreat to alcohol.

The focus is on getting sober...then we don't have to look at what's lurking beneath, and if we keep relapsing, we keep focusing on getting sober, and don't have to look at what's lurking beneath...and on and on it goes, the relapse go round.

I moved to a place where there are no meetings, worked the steps, got and stayed sober. Good news was that what was lurking beneath was NOT a monster with the capacity to swallow me whole.

Step 4...didn't expose me as a truly horrible failure of a human with no hope. nope, perfectly ordinary person, with fears that have pretty understandable beginnings, but with plenty of talents, strengths and humor and plenty wholeness to live a good sober life.

Step 4 is an honest inventory, not a scandal sheet. I'm just saying that because many people think it's going to end up being just a scandal sheet. It can be if all we choose to list are bad things, everyone has bad things, but if we are honest...most of us aren't the most reprehensible person that ever walked the face of the earth. Heck, sometimes I think that is what we are afraid to find out...if we're not hopelessly broken...then what? No more excuse to not live sober...darn that honesty!

Glad you are here, and glad you posted.

pattyj

The first 60 days are awful. I was ready to drink again then as well. It's really difficult to get past 60, 90, 120 days. But once you can get to 6 months or a year, that's when things start to fall in place. I heard an old timer in the meeting say last night that the first 30 days felt longer then the last 10 years of sobriety. I lost all my friends due to drinking and then any that I had left when I got sober. I stuck my head in the sand and pushed forward for months, staying sober one day at a time. I was depressed, lonely, miserable. But I stayed sober. And now at 7 months I am finally starting to get a life that I actually want. Good luck. It really does get better, it just takes a lot of time and a ton of patience.

RobbyRobot

Being in recovery/being recovered is a lifestyle choice. How one chooses to be successful in recovery is also each persons call and responsibility. Since plenty of numbers of people recover both as alcoholics, and as not being alcoholics, the choice is yours to make. Either way, you can't go wrong as long as quitting is a daily staple for you. By that I mean, drinking is no longer something you do anymore.

Advice?

Quitting is an event, so no need to revisit in your mind that you already have quit. What isn't finished as yet, are the lifestyle and personal choices you have yet to begin and complete to enjoy your life sans-alcohol. Change is essential to get past all the wreckage of past drinking.

Change is the ideal experience to seek out and manage on with everything you got going for yourself. So many ways forward to be successful with being in recovery and with being recovered.

With an eye to change, what might you begin to get behind and advocate for yourself?

DoubleBarrel

I can certainly relate to this. It feels odd and alien and dreary in early recovery. I'm not gonna lie to you, its a rough ride.

Part of this is physiological, some is mental, but you need TIME.
Try and remind yourself of this. You have done the drinking thing, over and over and over, and it lead you to this.

So try something new. Its gonna suck if you drink, and its gonna suck if you don't. But what I promise you is that if you DON'T drink, its gonna suck less and less, and eventually the cravings go away, and everything begins to get better. And before you know it, life is a LOT better.

This is a marathon. But instead of focusing on the finish, just realize that all you have is NOW. So just don't drink NOW. The obsession fades, really.

You can do it.

thebluewolf

I like the posts from Boleo an awuh.......

For me the steps ( programme ) and meetings are seperate entities; one doesn't need to be going to meetings every day to be working the programme

Vandermast

no one wants to be an alcoholic but only you can work out if you are, and you are responsible for your sobriety.

here is a good place to start

v

DoubleBarrel

Been thinking about this thread a bit and there is something else that I have found.

Acceptance.

I reached a point too, where I was sick of alcoholism, angry at my situation, even sick to death of recovery. What a pain, what a chore, what a burden.

But you know what? I have found acceptance. Right or wrong, good or bad, this is life. And some have it easier, but a lot have it a lot worse.

Acceptance means that I stop fighting what I cannot control. I deal with it, and its really not that bad. Fighting reality, which is what I ALWAYS have done, just makes everything that much harder.

Hope you're feeling better today.

mackeymusic

have you reached your bottom yet? do you want to live or die?

Soberella66

Thank you all for your responses. I appreciate and respect every one of them. I've had some interesting coincidences here since joining and found some great resources and avenues of recovery the past few days. I agree that the first 30/60/90 are the hardest as some of you mentioned, I'd like to put that on a post-it and stick it everywhere to see it wherever I go. Again, thank you.