Is celibacy necessary?
 

I have been celibate for years now. Sex is a trigger for me, so I have avoided it.

Recently, someone expressed sexual interest in me. I came close to having sex and close to using.

I did not enjoy sex much before I became an addict. I did enjoy it while in active addiction. I do not think it would be possible for me to have sex without narcotics involved--at least not possible to enjoy it.

I thought I had accepted that I would not be having sex, but this episode made me realize that it is something I would want. I know other people can handle it, but I do not think I could be sexually active in recovery.

Most people in recovery do not have this issue, I know. So who out there has dealt with something like this?

I don't know what to tell you, Fella, except that you aren't the only one with that issue. My husband is a recovering cocaine addict - he has been clean for 6 years now, and during his addiction he was very promiscuous. Now he associates sex with that lifestyle and it is very difficult for him to have sex. It is almost emotionally painful for him. We do have sex, but probably a lot less than most couples. I hope that one day he will move past it.

Don't worry about what other people experience. Your journey is your own. If you feel threatened by having sex, then don't, for now. If you get into a committed relationship you will have to revisit the idea, but until then, there is no pressure except what you put on yourself.

The foundation of a lot of recovery is in sharing. (Groups like AA, Lifering, rehabs, etc are based on this idea.) So even if each journey is individual, there is benefit in connecting with other people. My own recovery is based on that.

So if others have been through what I am going through I would like to discuss it with them.

The problem is I realize that I do want to have a sexual relationship and would not make any kind of commitment to anyone unless we have already had sex.

So I guess, you are right. I am putting pressure on myself because this does feel like I am turning away from a basic part of being human.

Going back to what I said the other day, I do think this would be a good thing to work through with a therapist.

Like you say sex is a vital part of life for most.

Seems like your choices are to remain celibate for the rest of your life, or to work on why this association is there and how to break it.

I have no experience to share, but maybe others will :)

D

I have some degree of this, though it sounds as if it is not as prounounced as what you experience.

Like eating disorders, sexual behavior "disorders" (not sure that is the right word, have the aspect of it being something that we can't totally walk away from. Even if we choose to not get physically intimate, we do relate to people sexually, and to ourselves sexually, in the course of daily interaction.

And many of us want some sort of life partner, and understandably they, or ourselves are going to want physical intimacy.

I found for a while it was just like drinking for me...if I even got started..I'd go to the bad place. A simple flirt escalated to "WTF!" way faster than was sane, safe or neccessary. Then I'd be scared, shamed or even horrified by my behavior, and drink/use/cut...

I found I am safer in a relationship...because I am less likely to act outside the box...though a relationship has it's own issues as sexually I walk a fine line, I can go into a rage from NOT getting the attention and affirmation from a partner...and decide to drink/use/cut in reaction to that...

For a number of years I dealt with this by staying overweight..kept most men away, until a man who preferred his women large courted me...then THAT scared me and I went anorexic to try to lose him. And there were panic attacks, pills, drinking, etc etc.

I haven't got this all figured out yet. Things are kept simple for me now, because not only am I in a relationship, but I live in the middle of nowhere are am not exposed to lots of situations that would seriously challenge me in this issue.

Earlier this year I lived in a city and had a man grow interested in me and it was very difficult for me to deal with all the issues and feelings involved. Applying what I've learned in recovery, dilligently in that situation got me through relatively unscathed.

A woman has to know her limits.

I was sexually abused as a child, and my physical relationships have always had issues in one direction or another...even before I drank or drugged. So I expect I will continue to have these issues. For a long time I believed abstinence was my only hope...but that comes with a number of problems as well.

Having a good friend to sound this out with has helped me. BOth of us can be candid with one another about these things, and help one another recognize our tendencies, pitfalls, repeating patterns and crazy thinking.

The more secure I get in my substance recovery, the more I feel I can handle situations in other areas without using.

I have done a lot of work in this area with a qualified therapist. Sex vs. intimacy and using drugs/alcohol were interlinked. I needed to reframework what sex was, what intimacy was, how they overlap, and how I used them in my life.

Casual sex is a big part of my addiction story. When I got sober, I was celibate by choice because I knew there was work to be done in this area. I even explored the idea that I was a sex addict. Lest I join YET ANOTHER program ending in "A", I did the steps on this issue with my AA sponsor after we did the steps with booze and drugs. I felt much relief and gained helpful insight in the process.

I am 4 years recovered and my intimate/sexual relationship is much more healthy. I am in a monogamous marriage of 15 years and it is better than ever. (it wasn't always monogamous and it was certainly not happy). I have AA and therapy to thank for that.