Katt1825

I think that I could be fairly accurate in saying that if most people around me (save possibly 1-2 people) knew about my addiction and subsequent recovery they would be totally shocked.
I am addicted to xanax, that was prescribed to me. I've never bought it or borrowed it. But I did abuse it and I did live the last year and a half in a mellow fog.
I've performed well at work, maintained my relationship, mothered my kids. Xanax gave me confidence and ability to believe in myself and feel relaxed. I get it - I'm not romanticizing, just stating what drew me in. I KNOW it was a problem, I thought about it constantly (still do).
However I didn't even tell my partner that I was prescribed xanax. I only told her a week ago, and quit four days later. She's been supportive but I think that she doesn't take it seriously because she couldn't see it, smell it, or know that I was under the influence.
I quit 3.5 days ago c/t and I'm struggling. I feel sick, and just want to cry and cry. I'm horribly worried about going to work tomorrow. I can honestly say that SR is saving me right now.
I guess what I wonder is, if no one ever even knows I had a problem, is it still ok? Am I still ok? I have taken way more pills than drinks. I don't care for pot, can take or leave pain pills, and don't care to drink. I smoked occasionally and plan to quit ALL OF IT. I'm not worried about anything but the xanax.
I don't know how to do this alone, but yet I can't tell people. I feel so so ashamed. I considered trying to take short term disability and recover at home but I can't imagine telling my boss and coworkers.
My family would be stunned and disappointed.
I just need to know that I have a support system, and that doing it alone is still doing it and is possible.
I hope this makes sense. My thoughts are jumbled.
Thanks
Katie

Soberpotamus

I just wanted to say that you certainly do have a support system here at SR, and that you aren't alone. If we are all you have, I do believe you can recover. Some may disagree with me. That's ok. Though I do think it would be wise to tell some people you trust, and let them know you are in recovery, to at least keep you accountable. And if it's someone you trust, it will also help you feel better psychologically to unload your "secret" on them.

legna

To answer your original question - yes.

I think however, that a more pertinent question might be, is it recovery if they can't tell a difference?

I like your thinking about giving up everything - because addiction has a way of living on through substances that you may not even care for. Please consider that if your family, co-workers and friends are disappointed, that is not cause for more shame - it is because they don't understand the nature of addiction. There is nothing shameful about seeing a problem in your life, addressing it and correcting it.

tehmazzyland

Can you tell people you were on painkillers for a back problem, and now you've finished the course, and the withdrawals are quite bad?

Don't have to tell people you don't know as good friends that you actually had an addiction problem, but your work colleagues might cut you a bit of slack if they think it's 'normal' withdrawals.

I don't know, I don't know if it'd help or not.

Hope you find a way through.

Katt1825

I suppose I could tell them that. I just don't know if tossing in half truths would help.
I am having bad anxiety because I'm I high profile position and I know without doubt that some positions will be cut this year. I feel that putting myself into a vulnerable position would not be a good idea.
I appreciate the replies. I feel so much less alone when I am reading posts. It's enlightening to know there are people all around me going through this same thing.
Heck, my neighbor on his laptop outside that I'm looking at right now could be on SR.

LDT

I quit Xanax and alcohol at the same time. I told my immediate family and a couple of sober friends and that was it. For everyone else I just said I quit drinking. Felt no compulsion to explain any further. I healed rather privately. I saw an addictions therapist and have used SR for about a year and a half. And to answer your question.....I definitely consider myself in recovery . Do what you feel is best for you, but do not put yourself in danger.

Katt1825

LDT do you mind telling me a bit more about your personal recovery? Was xanax a daily habit, and how was your initial withdrawal?
I too want to find an addictions counselor. That's item 1 for Monday.

peanut44

If you're getting off of any drug because you realize that you have a problem with it, abusing it or using it for reasons other than what is intended for, then heck YES, you're in recovery, whether anyone knows or not. Period.

You are never alone. Keep reaching out. We are here

StevenT

In my personal opinion and from things I've read and heard in AA I would say that recovery is all about change. Simply putting down the drugs, alcohol or anything else that is used addictively is most definitely a good thing, and something to congratulate you on, but it is not the beginning and the end. Just the beginning. There is work to be done afterwards. Changing people, places and things can be a good thing, just as informing people can be a good thing.

Once again, my opinion, and I don't mean to be mean or harsh or insulting or derogatory in any sense, but I would not advise doing this on your own. I agree that it can be done, as it has been done, but if you are alone in this thing, even with support, then you are the only one that truly understands you. You are the only one truly holding yourself accountable.

I can't speak for you, but I know the person I deceived more then any other was myself. I lied to myself so much it almost makes me sick. Being in a structured program of recovery helped me come to see the truths about myself that I didn't even know were there, and then do something about them to change. And everything that I've done to get to this point was designed by someone else and done before me by many, and shows that it works.

My recovery is not a product of my plans. My years of social, emotional and physical bankruptcy were the result of my plans.

Just something to consider

bitmap

I absolutely think it is still recovery because you are doing it for YOU not for anyone else.

Boleo

I absolutely think it is BETTER recovery because you are doing it for YOU not for anyone else. Doing it to please some authority figure would just be managed abstinence.

Mark75

Tell nobody, tell everyone... that's your call. Perhaps you should consider some professional help though to get you through this depression and unhappiness.

KristyCat

I understand not wanting to be open about everything at work, that's a tricky situation...but as for other areas of your life, I would try not to feel ashamed or like you need to hide the fact that you're in recovery, like it's some dirty little secret.

It's not at all, in fact it should be celebrated! I know people can be judgmental, but imo, it's healthiest for us as addicts/alcoholics to get over that. I think being open/honest is part of recovery.

I think it's too bad that a doctor prescribed so much xanax to you for a long time because it is such an addictive drug, that seems irresponsible on his/her part. If you haven't already, I would obviously definitely talk to your doc about this. He/she needs to know that you have become addicted. He may even suggest a tapering program to get you through the withdrawal period.

UnixBer

Yes I'd like to think it is recovery told you anyone or not. Personally I haven't told anyone and intend not to. In fact since it is my business I'd choose lying if needed. Implementing the same thing for stopping nicotine. Keeping it a secret from all the people in my life.

Sharing at AA or here at SR however is something good because there are people who know what it is about and people who actually understand etc...