Sungazer63

People like me who have been labeled "addictive personalities" are often rebels or non-conformists, it seems...at least that fits me, and it's what I've read.

I feel though that this behavior -- to rebel -- is akin to the behavior of prisoners who act out and rebel against poor prison conditions. Even if they win, they are still in prison. (Yes, I read Krishnamurti)

So it seems to me that the key is not to rebel against negativity we see in the world and in our environment -- family, etc. but to decide, is the negativity I perceive real? I must sit down and decide this, and if the answer is yes, these conditions, or behaviors, or expectations from others are unacceptable, then the only solution in my opinion is to walk away from it, and quit participating....

....say kiss my ass to the demeaning low paying purposeless job -- but in a responsible way, not to leave myself homeless. To say goodbye to the people who think I have no right to my own life, or that their bloodline connections give them a right to disapprove of my own personal choices -- even if those choices are self destructive they are mine to make as long as I do not harm anyone (not recommending self destructive behavior, but making a point). Having their feelings hurt, or not liking what I do does not authorize anyone to tell another sovereign adult human what to do.

Every time I have acted in rebellion against negativity, even though all I received was pain and more disapproval, I still felt that this was exactly what they really wanted. Does that make sense? Because I am against the drudgery and purposelessness they stand for, they need to see me fall -- success would stop their world.

In other words, it seems that they can only be who they are as long as I play this role for them.

Not judging them, but the truth is that they want to be disappointed, hurt, offended, angry, to uphold their beliefs. So, what the hell am I doing with them, engaging in a sick game of what? And, why have I made what they think so important? What has caused me to believe that their world is the real one? All these questions I think are important to ask.

I'm seeing all of this control/rebellion as flip sides of the same dark matrix coin, and simply a distraction for them and me to avoid finding out who we really are, and living it.

Anyone else feel that way?

I'm seeing that this goes deeper than what I think the typical addict/co-dependent program consists of, and is somehow part of the foundation of a world based on control, and slavery.

chicory

You sound so much like my son, except he does live with me and does hurt me, when he hurts his self with substances/bad choices, etc. because I love him. not because I want to be disappointed in him.

I believe the old saying,"As we think, so we are". I believe in the power of positive thinking. And I have been poor all my life, had two alcoholic parents, and now a son who is maybe an alcoholic, or may be self-medicating due to his anxieties and miserable outlook. I believe that we can be happy with very little, because to me, family, nature, art, etc, are wonderful. There is much in the world to enjoy,but some people get stuck, only seeing the bad. jmho.

I cannot compete with your deep thoughts, nor probably offer much that you would want to hear, but you do make me think of my beloved son, who will argue til the cows come home that his misery is the fault of the world, and not any of his.

sincerely hope you find your answers and happiness too.

hugs
chic

Sungazer63

Thanks for sharing Chicory, and not meaning any disrespect, but I think you are projecting your own beliefs into my words. You said, "you do make me think of my beloved son, who will argue til the cows come home that his misery is the fault of the world, and not any of his."...

In saying this you have entirely missed my point, which is to identify negativity where it is, and quit participating in it. In other words,

It is my choice to remain in what I perceive as a dark matrix of negativity or choose to take complete and total responsibility for my own life, and walk out of it forever. This will mean of course big drastic changes that not everyone would be comfortable with.

One of them I have already made has involved the disconnection from people, who although they think they "love me", actually think they own me. It was without blame, and with love that I bid them goodbye and wished them well. ♥

As long as we blame anyone or anything, we make ourselves into a victim, and that's not where I want to go with my life -- anymore.

happybeingme

You have obviously done a lot of thinking and I admire the hard work you put into it. You are very self aware and that should serve you well going forward.
Good luck in breaking through the role you have always played and moving forward in grace and light

chicory

I am so sorry Sungazer. I was worried that perhaps I missed the point. I truly did not mean to offend, and somehow I guess I did read something else into your post. It made me sad somehow. After spending a bit of time, rereading I can see I did misunderstand you.

chicory

Boleo

The moment I stopped seeing myself as a victim or victor I stopped obsessing over drinking and drugging. IMO we manufacture our own misery by creating unrealistic expectations of what everything and everyone else "SHOULD BE".
Eastern religion and philosophy is founded on the idea that all suffering is due to our attachments, judgement and expectations.

"All expectations are seeds for resentment".
(Zhuang Zhou)

Sungazer63

No need to be sad or sorry Chicory! You did not intend any offense or harm, and I knew that when I responded to you, but just wanted to clarify in case I had not been clear in my original post. I think we are all guilty sometimes of assumptions and projecting our own beliefs -- overcoming that is something I continue to work on everyday. I also think that when people get offended over being misunderstood, then maybe they haven't been misunderstood after all

Sungazer63

Great point Boleo! I have only recently realized how many years I have wasted making myself into a victim of other people's opinions, and trying to get THEM to change. As someone who struggles with addictions, I have always resented other people trying to get me to change, without realizing that so much of my acting out was a passive agrressive maneuver to get them to change. Deep down we are all just people trying to make our lives better no matter how foolish and misguided our actions.