Ngokpa

I've been sober for a long time, and I'm still trying to figure this out.

Before I got sober, I thought AA was a joke. I went once and went home, had a drink, and felt smug. But I was lying on the floor one day, feeling ready to go out with the trash, and thought that my life was a mess and I was clueless as what to do about it. I still thought AA was nuts, but so was I. I didn't know if I was an alcoholic or not, but decided I would give it a shot for 90 days and then see what's what.

Getting sober helped me decide I was an alcoholic. I thought about alcohol a lot, was going through withdrawals, and that liquor stores seemed to have force fields sucking me in.

The fly in the ointment was that I couldn't relate to the Big Book. I tried reading it and found it mainly inspired me to get drunk. Then I had an epiphany. I thought "I really am an alcoholic, and I depend on AA. And if I'm honest, I'm going to alienate a lot of people. How do I get out of this one?" And some answers came to me from somewhere: "One day at a time. And be willing to go to any lengths."

30 years later, I still alienate some folks. The thing is I became willing to go to any lengths. I read outside literature that I found better describes my addiction to alcohol and other drugs, and find other ways to work the steps. For the last 29 years I've meditated at a Buddhist center, which has helped enormously. I was in therapy for years doing a lot of journal work and dealing with family issues.

Things are a lot better. I still don't understand AA. Many people think there's only one way to stay sober. But whatever you do, it takes work. And getting a life.

FeenixxRising

Thanks Ngokpa. 29 years is quite impressive. I'm struggling with the AA process as well. I've read excerpts of the Big Book and thought about the 12-steps, but I'm not quite getting it. Some of it just doesn't seem to fit with my worldview and my understanding of mental and emotional issues.

On the other hand, I believe strongly in the power of the group, so in that sense, I believe AA has much to offer.

Anyway, I'm rambling a bit. Thanks again for your story. I enjoy hearing about the sauces of others; the stories give me hope.

Oh, and I completely agree with you when your wrote, "But whatever you do, it takes work. And getting a life".

bigsombrero

Good thoughts NGO. That "getting a life" part is quite true, I believe finding meaning in life is a huge step in the recovery process. Being accepting and eventually happy with one's self is another part - it's a difficult hurdle to overcome and I know I am not there yet. I guess I can't define recovery, but I do know some of the ingredients that make my stew taste better.

As for AA, I agree with Feenixx here about the power of the group, especially in real life. I often avoid going for long stretches of time, but I know that's the alcoholic in me "rebelling", or, more likely, "blowing it off". These are poor traits that I need to overcome, and something that can be helped immensely by simply ATTENDING an AA meeting. It's a double-edged sword though, because when I do attend, I notice an underlying aura that makes me uneasy. My instincts tell me something is off, it's hard to describe but I think a lot of respectful critics would admit the same. The intensity of this feeling also varies from group to group.

29 years, great job. Sometimes I wonder if I will always consider myself "in recovery". Right now "recovery" means "fighting myself", so often I hope the answer is no. It's hard, it's like turning on the faucet and sticking your finger in it - water's going to spray everywhere - just in different directions. Quit drinking? Start smoking. Quit gambling? Start eating junk food. An endless circle of trying to stop the flow of addiction, never knowing where it'll manifest itself again....anyway I am also off on a ramble.

Thanks for the post.