DMB54

Hi - I'm new to this forum and so far I've just done an intro thread which has already been helpful.

One thing I'm struggling with is dealing with people who have been close to me over the years. I'm realizing the impact of my addictions even though other people never knew or chose not to see how serious it was. And I was also very anti-social.

I have to deal with family issues but that will take some time because they're not in my daily life. But specifically, I have regrets involving some of my neighbors. For example, I flirted with the wife of one neighbor when I was drunk and I took her friendliness as something more. To complicate things, I know they were going through marital difficulties and that made me hit on her even more. I'm not even sure if he knew it but I did.

And I have one other neighbor who is single and I think has showed a little interest in me since I've been more open and friendly. She is also trying to cut down on drinking and now I feel like an @sshole for trying to get to know her by inviting her to a bar.

At what point do you apologize and get things off your chest vs letting it go and moving on? These are all people who have encouraged me to be more open without alcohol and drugs but I don't want it turn into a therapy session.

Dee74

Hi DMB

I'm not a 12 stepper but I think AA has it right with this - amends come later in the recovery process.

I promised a lot of things and made a lot of apologies over the years - but I kept drinking.

My apologies became kinda worthless.

Words mean nothing without the change behind them.

Amends are more than a simple apology too - sometimes the best amends are unspoken ones - us really genuinely changing ourselves anbd what we do with our lives.

sometimes I've made amends and I wasn't forgiven too - but thats ok because amends are not about forgiveness....they're about doing all we can, doing our part, in making things right.

D

Gottalife

I agree with everything that Dee said above. Perhaps I could add that when it comes to amends, the AA sponsor can be hugely helpful in making up for our own lack of judgement, and helping us keep our motives right.

Aside from our poor behaviour when drinking, amends attempted in the wrong way or for the wrong reasons can blow up in our faces, and other people can be badly hurt. I see it all the time.

Just recently a man of about 3 months sobriety was feeling bad about being unfaithful to his wife. He decided, without talking to anyone else, to make a clean breast of it and confessed all. Note that he was thinking of himself only. The result was that his wife was badly hurt and kicked him out, she also went to see one of the other women and confronted her in front of her husband, which meant the end of another relationship. Devastation all around, and to top it all off, our man doesn't feel any better, infact he feels worse.

Amends is something that needs to be done with great care.

DMB54

Thanks - It seems so obvious now when you put it that way. I'll keep trying to be open to people and change my ways.

sugarbear1

Staying stopped and not repeating your actions is a huge beginning. Others will notice the changes in you, even if you don't.

If you use a method of recovery, that is a plus as you have something to rely on to help you with staying stopped.

Like Dee said, give time time, then you may know the right time and words to use for your apologizing. In AA, it's amends, which is more than saying "I'm sorry," but that is another thread or five!

fairlyuncertain

I don't think that you can make true amends AND expect to control people's reactions. The spouses both had a right to know, if for no other reason than to get STD testing. And waiting would be ridiculous: untreated STDs can cause infertility and cervical cancer.

As the spouse of an A, I would rather have the truth, and live in the devastation of reality, than have the A manipulate and conceal facts to get the result he wants: a happy marriage, which only he knows is based on lies. Spouses deserve the truth. And the respect for our right to react, and act, as we see fit.

Gedit

Amends occur after other work has been done, and amends are not apologies. They are attempts to repair relationships - be that by not repeating earlier behaviors, or by paying back what was materially taken. Amends are done for our own spiritual development, and if we do in fact regain the trust and friendship of those we harmed so much the better, but that's not the motivation with which we approach the process.

Boleo

There is a big difference between making an apology and making an amends. Apologies are just a curt statements that wear out the more you use them. An amends is a process consisting of at least 3 stages;

1. Preparation
2. Admitting we were wrong
3. An offer to repair the damage

Gottalife

Absolutely right. You can't control people's reactions or the resulting damage which is exactly why a carefully considered approach is called for.

Boleo mentions preparation. Part of this is making sure our motives are right. We must be considerate of others and we have no right to save ourselves at the expense of an innocent party.

The innconent party in my example was the husband of the man's mistress. What goes on between the innocent husband and his wife is their affair and it is her responsibility as far as any STDs go. Our man had no right to injure them to save himself. he could have made his confession, but did he have any right to name his mistress?

Because our man did no preparation, especially realting to steps 4 through 7, he is absolutuely stunned by the reaction he got. He literally has no idea why his wife reacted the way she did. It was obvious to her thet he is still self centred in the extreme, and the whole exercise was for his benefit, not hers.

Aviva

What are the further steps, as you understand the process of amends?


Roughly, I'd continue with

4. Making concrete reparations, when materially possible.
5. Not repeating the offense


and, if we're serious about our own growth:

6. Listening to and affirming the offended person's feelings about the past, when they happen to come up, without countering them in any way, EVEN if this feels unfair. This is a learning experience about the negative impact we've made. Damages we've done aren't reduced because our intentions weren't so bad; others' processes of healing and learning to trust us again don't magically accelerate for our comfort and convenience.

Eddiebuckle

The best amends you can make at this point is to cease further damage. When the time is right to make amends (and early sobriety is not it) the opportunity will present itself.