Living in the old playground...
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,636
Living in the old playground...
...I have learned so much! It's not about the area as much anymore, granted S is dead, but it is my choice to choose to go there day or night and respond with "yes" when I am asked. It is inevitable that I will be asked. I'm not sure, because my memory is fogged, but I think some of the slangers recognize my face. But its cool, because every time I say "no" I get stronger!
Whereever I go, the old dot has been and has made a bad rep, but... since I've been out of action for so long I am starting to appreciate my town and the good weather. Theres lots of old memories along every turn, good and bad. And I can look back fondly and remember that I'm retired now. And if I go back, theres not going to be any good experiences.
I also keep running into people, which drives me nuts. Not people who actively slang necessarily, but gangbangers and, for lack of a better word, Johns. That has caused me to want to run and hide many times and just give up! But, I have learned that they arent going anywhere and theres no need for me to go anywhere. I am a new person and dammed if they are going to bring me down.
Of course, theres places I never set foot in anymore. Blocks etc. But, for the most part, living in the old playground has made me stronger. I'm not running from it, I get to face it and say "NO!"
Thanks for letting me share.
dot
Whereever I go, the old dot has been and has made a bad rep, but... since I've been out of action for so long I am starting to appreciate my town and the good weather. Theres lots of old memories along every turn, good and bad. And I can look back fondly and remember that I'm retired now. And if I go back, theres not going to be any good experiences.
I also keep running into people, which drives me nuts. Not people who actively slang necessarily, but gangbangers and, for lack of a better word, Johns. That has caused me to want to run and hide many times and just give up! But, I have learned that they arent going anywhere and theres no need for me to go anywhere. I am a new person and dammed if they are going to bring me down.
Of course, theres places I never set foot in anymore. Blocks etc. But, for the most part, living in the old playground has made me stronger. I'm not running from it, I get to face it and say "NO!"
Thanks for letting me share.
dot
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,465
Re: Living in the old playground...
Dottie,
I think that's the only way to deal with fear. You just face it, say 'no' and each time you get a little bit stronger. It works and it feels good!
Love, Anna
I think that's the only way to deal with fear. You just face it, say 'no' and each time you get a little bit stronger. It works and it feels good!
Love, Anna
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,636
Re: Living in the old playground...
(((ted, dan, anna))) you all mean so much to me! thanks for your replies! it is not a time to feel uncomfortable, it is time to LIVE!
hugs and love,
dot
hugs and love,
dot
Re: Living in the old playground... 
Member
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: God's Grace
Posts: 689
Re: Living in the old playground...
No, such power with that word. I haven't been strong enough to use it in the past when I should have. I used it earlier this week when confronted with the drink, and it is very liberating. Thanks Dot.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,636
Re: Living in the old playground...
(((bon))) thanks for everything! you rock! happy mums day!
(((marty))) it is liberating isnt it! words can be very powerful i suppose. i sometimes doubt that what i say is not "valid", so before when confronted with an offer to score "no" really meant "yes" because i would let myself be swayed. now, i love myself and no means "NO!" Good for you for saying no! if you can, so can i!
ROCK ON bonni and marty!
dot
(((marty))) it is liberating isnt it! words can be very powerful i suppose. i sometimes doubt that what i say is not "valid", so before when confronted with an offer to score "no" really meant "yes" because i would let myself be swayed. now, i love myself and no means "NO!" Good for you for saying no! if you can, so can i!
ROCK ON bonni and marty!
dot
Member
Join Date: Apr 2003
Location: out there...
Posts: 2,653
(((((dotster)))))) ... I used here, got clean here ( twice), and because every day I reaffirm my choice to stay clean wherever I am, I live here and like you I see more than the alleys and neon that used to call to me. It was probably 4 years before I could drive past my favorite watering hole without catching myself looking or unconsciously letting my foot off the gas.
early on, one night after a meeting, when I stood out front yakking with some of the others, I saw a ghost from the past headed straight my way.A guy that I used with, split a lane with side by side 12 inchs apart at highway speeds. We had trusted each other with our lives and property. My stomache churned and I took off across the street to my car to head home. It was another year before I saw that ghost again. I was at a fellowship picnic, and when I chased a frisbee I wound up within 25 feet of him and a couple others. It must have been 90 degrees that day and they sat at a picnic table wearing boots, jeans, black tshirts, and leather vests... not a bike in sight. They invited me over and I knew I had a good reason for being where i was, stopping to say hi wasn't going to jeopardize my recovery, so I asked how they were. Of course they invited me to sit. I said no thanks, made idle chatter for a few minutes and took a good look at how much our ideas of "fun" had changed since I had been clean. there was one guy that swore he knew me there and I couldn't even remember him.. ( must have been from the "last days" ) I said see ya around and went back to play horseshoes with me sponsor. The next time I saw the ghost was at a firemens carnival 3 years later, and I went up and gave him a hug. He was wasted as usual, but I was genuinely glad to see him still alive. I kept hoping that someday I would see him at a meeting, and I had figured out I had no influence other than to just be myself and genuinely say hello and ask how he was without following him around or trying to rescue him. After all those guys I used to use with had allowed me my choice to get clean, I don't have any right to deny them their choice to continue using. It took a long time to become comfortable in my own skin. With the self acceptance that made that possible, I got a sense of acceptance of all the other people that have shared my path, good times, and bad.. every one of them had a part in shaping my life. They were all human beings with a multitude of assets and flaws. The ones who made me most uncomfortable taught me some of the most valuable lessons about myself. And I have empathy for most of them. Someplace inside they are trapped in fear and desolation. I don't have to be a prisoner anymore.
I never saw the ghost again after that firemans carnival.. A mutual acquaintance at work told me of his death one day... he was 33 years old, the same age I was when I finally got and stayed clean. I still get a tear in my eye along with his memory, and I hope he's finally free and at peace, someplace riding the harley again and enjoying the serenity that the dope stole from him.
Rest in peace my brother...see you at the rendevous.
early on, one night after a meeting, when I stood out front yakking with some of the others, I saw a ghost from the past headed straight my way.A guy that I used with, split a lane with side by side 12 inchs apart at highway speeds. We had trusted each other with our lives and property. My stomache churned and I took off across the street to my car to head home. It was another year before I saw that ghost again. I was at a fellowship picnic, and when I chased a frisbee I wound up within 25 feet of him and a couple others. It must have been 90 degrees that day and they sat at a picnic table wearing boots, jeans, black tshirts, and leather vests... not a bike in sight. They invited me over and I knew I had a good reason for being where i was, stopping to say hi wasn't going to jeopardize my recovery, so I asked how they were. Of course they invited me to sit. I said no thanks, made idle chatter for a few minutes and took a good look at how much our ideas of "fun" had changed since I had been clean. there was one guy that swore he knew me there and I couldn't even remember him.. ( must have been from the "last days" ) I said see ya around and went back to play horseshoes with me sponsor. The next time I saw the ghost was at a firemens carnival 3 years later, and I went up and gave him a hug. He was wasted as usual, but I was genuinely glad to see him still alive. I kept hoping that someday I would see him at a meeting, and I had figured out I had no influence other than to just be myself and genuinely say hello and ask how he was without following him around or trying to rescue him. After all those guys I used to use with had allowed me my choice to get clean, I don't have any right to deny them their choice to continue using. It took a long time to become comfortable in my own skin. With the self acceptance that made that possible, I got a sense of acceptance of all the other people that have shared my path, good times, and bad.. every one of them had a part in shaping my life. They were all human beings with a multitude of assets and flaws. The ones who made me most uncomfortable taught me some of the most valuable lessons about myself. And I have empathy for most of them. Someplace inside they are trapped in fear and desolation. I don't have to be a prisoner anymore.
I never saw the ghost again after that firemans carnival.. A mutual acquaintance at work told me of his death one day... he was 33 years old, the same age I was when I finally got and stayed clean. I still get a tear in my eye along with his memory, and I hope he's finally free and at peace, someplace riding the harley again and enjoying the serenity that the dope stole from him.
Rest in peace my brother...see you at the rendevous.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2003
Location: laughing at my avatar
Posts: 1,636
((gooch))
i am very sorry to hear about your friend. it is hard to let go. i ran into a friend this past summer who actually seemed to be doing good! i was so excited for her. she was pregnant and seemed to be in some sort of stable living arrangement. but there was also that feeling inside me that made me want to steer clear, but then made me want to rescue/fix her. i soon found out she was using and it broke my heart to hear it. like you said, it was sort of like seeing a ghost! and then realizing that she still used made her more of a ghost to me because i cant have that in my life. of course i will still run into her and its cool. ill just keep my boundaries and goals in place and hope that she hops aboard with the rest of us!
it is a blessing to get to see more than the alleys, parks, sidewalks, old stomping grounds. it helps the fear dissipate i think. of course, a lot of the fear is real but as long as i keep aware of what is going on around me and keep my boundaries in place i should rock on. many of my old playmates have settled for the geographical change and they wound up doing the same s*** and are either locked up in another state or are dead. some people ive met at a meeting i went to were so scared of being here because it was their stomping grounds and i was just feeling so blessed that that wasnt me! that i could face it and say NO.
thanks for the reply gooch! sorry again about your friend.
hugs and prayers,
dotster
i am very sorry to hear about your friend. it is hard to let go. i ran into a friend this past summer who actually seemed to be doing good! i was so excited for her. she was pregnant and seemed to be in some sort of stable living arrangement. but there was also that feeling inside me that made me want to steer clear, but then made me want to rescue/fix her. i soon found out she was using and it broke my heart to hear it. like you said, it was sort of like seeing a ghost! and then realizing that she still used made her more of a ghost to me because i cant have that in my life. of course i will still run into her and its cool. ill just keep my boundaries and goals in place and hope that she hops aboard with the rest of us!
it is a blessing to get to see more than the alleys, parks, sidewalks, old stomping grounds. it helps the fear dissipate i think. of course, a lot of the fear is real but as long as i keep aware of what is going on around me and keep my boundaries in place i should rock on. many of my old playmates have settled for the geographical change and they wound up doing the same s*** and are either locked up in another state or are dead. some people ive met at a meeting i went to were so scared of being here because it was their stomping grounds and i was just feeling so blessed that that wasnt me! that i could face it and say NO.
thanks for the reply gooch! sorry again about your friend.
hugs and prayers,
dotster
Guest
Posts: n/a
Interesting topic Dot...
When I was "out" using and abusing, I lost all my "stuff" including my house/home. I spent some time being "homeless" and living behind somebody's garage. This area where I was "hanging" was also were I got all my drugs from.
I was clean for 3 years when I got the chance to buy another house. Ironically it's less than 3 miles from my above mentioned "past".
When I was looking for a house to buy, my search area was far from here, but this is where I landed.
For a while, I just chalked it up to a reminder, so I'd never forget. Now it just is, doesn't bother me either way.
I'm thinking my HP does have a sense of humor. :icon16:
When I was "out" using and abusing, I lost all my "stuff" including my house/home. I spent some time being "homeless" and living behind somebody's garage. This area where I was "hanging" was also were I got all my drugs from.
I was clean for 3 years when I got the chance to buy another house. Ironically it's less than 3 miles from my above mentioned "past".
When I was looking for a house to buy, my search area was far from here, but this is where I landed.
For a while, I just chalked it up to a reminder, so I'd never forget. Now it just is, doesn't bother me either way.
I'm thinking my HP does have a sense of humor. :icon16:
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
