dotcom

I really should not have watched Fatal attraction yesterday. I suppose that since I have experienced death the past few months that I am paranoid. And then just close by my house someone commited suicide on a walking path on a golf course. Now I really am afraid to go outside. Irrational I am sure, but I thought if I posted about it I might feel better. Hmmm... I do not understand why that shook me up? To my knowledge I dont know the person who passed, and I do not plan on finding out who the person is just in case I do know the person. And fatal attraction is just a movie! And then I had been thinking before that I was going to die of "crack lung" and finally made a dr appointment for thursday but have just decided that if I am sick, its probably just the pnuemonia coming back or a touch of asthma or maybe cancer. SEE??? i go from achoo to I am going to fall off the face of the earth. Well, it could be worse. I dont know if this belongs on this general recovery forum, but oh well. thanks for letting me share.

Little Missy

Maybe being fearful of death is part of your growth on your journey. That sounds nice doesn't it! LOL After my Mom died, I no longer have the fear of death. I actually make losts of jokes about it, maybe that's my way of dealing with it. Death is one of the few guarntees in life, unfortunately. It's just what we do with our time on this great earth that matters. I guess when it's our turn we go.

As far as scary movies go, I don't watch to many of them. Then I do get real jumpy, like somebody is going to get me.

Good luck with your appointment on Thursday.

Keep on rockin com! Your an inspiration to me!!
Love,
Missy

shyQcodep

Dot,

I'm not quite in the same place but I'm in the same neighborhood today. Between a movie Saturday night and just one picture from reality yesterday, I've got a hollow spot in the pit of my stomach that just won't go away today.

Saturday night my partner and I watched "Soldier's Girl" - true story about the soldier (Barry Winchell) who fell for a pre-op TS, and eventually was killed in an increadibly brutal gay bashing on the army base. I was on the edge of tears through much of the film, couldn't watch the attack scene and cried a bunch at the end, but I was in OK shape after the film. Tears aren't a bad thing.

Unfortunately, on Sunday I saw that latest color photo of the atrocities. I've really tried to keep the whole war thing at arms length (I didn't vote for him, I didn't cause it, I can't cure them and I can't change it), but that awful picture just got me between the eyes. I ranted and raved a bit after I saw it; and about an hour later I tried to slice some bread and I sliced into my thumb. We patched it up, and I nearly fainted at the sight of my own blood (that's a new and not altogether welcome experience). Afterwards, I had this hole in the pit of my stomach that was with me through morning; I brought it up at my morning meeting and I've prayed over it and shared with anyone at the office who'll listen, and it's pretty much still there.

It's not specifically a fear of my death, but my paranioa (perhaps somewhat justified given my open tax issues) put me in the middle of that picture , and I haven't really gotten out of it. I wish we just didn't have a TV so I could stay a little farther away from that madness.

James

splendra

Dot Com,

I think you are still very new to recovery and you haven't gotten used to feeling yet. Like Melodie Beaty said about feeling anger some treat it like a new toy. You have taken giant leaps and maybe your emotions haven't quite caught up with the rest of you. Having gone through so much in such a short period of time is very stressfull for you. Try to take it easy my little darling. Say some quite prayers and try to relax.
You are strong. I doubt you will die before the good Lord is ready for you and when He is you will be glad. Then one day maybe you will be able to watch the "surgery channel" at dinner time if you want to.
WHen I was much younger I use to be afraid of horror movies even the ads would scare me. The Exorsits came out and all my friends went to see it. I was too scared to go. Someone gave me the book "HELTER SKELTER" it sat on my shelf forever. I went into therapy and learned so much plus my recovery has helped too. By the way I have read both books and seen the movies too. MOst of us A's have a frightened child running the show until we can get it all into prepective. you Rock Dot remember that.

mackat

hi dot
i think most of us have pretty much obsessed over death [i fantisized bout even the music i'd have at my funeral!] It stands to reason- "addiction is such a cunning enemy of life" - did i know my using was dancing with death? yes. Did i stop? no
And it stands to reason, that once i got into recovery and began to see myself as worthwhile, i got pretty wacked over how cavalierly i had treated my existence!
I still get a bit edgy- ride bikes too hard over high mt passes, run whitewater, walk ridge beams, but i'm a lot more aware.
And I have had a couple near death experiences- both times, after the panic rush, i had a very real feeling of comfort- it was definitely a case of my spirituality taking over and taking care of me. Was not at all like i had feared.
hope this helps.
think i'm gonna go reread 'Wind in th Willows', take one of them there epsom salt baths.!!
hugs
mackat

suebug

Loving life makes accepting death more difficult...I agree with the others, this is part of the journey. Take good care of yourself and take a nice deep sniff of the outdoors & breath in all of that precious life around you.

dotcom

Thank you missy, shy, splen, mack, and sue. Lots of good stuff for me to consider here in your replies. I wish I had more to reply, but for now its a big "THANK YOU!"

suebug