Bunny7

Hi all,


I have previously battled with anxiety and depression, and one of the things that work me up to my drinking problem was a (admittedly crap) suicide attempt.

While parts of me are really enjoying being sober, I find I spend a lot of time dwelling on a lot of horrible things I've done to others or myself while drunk. I feel like suddenly I'm trying to deal with issues sober & quite frankly, im not.

Tonight I again found myself googling suicide methods. It's not that I think I'd do it like right now, but to be honest it's starting to feel like 'Plan B' if anything goes wrong (as in people turn on me for the way I've hurt them) or if sobriety doesn't work out

Please understand I'm not vying for attention, or literally off to find the nearest bridge - I just want to know how others in recovery get past that feeling. I don't want to go back to how I was, but I'm so scared of failing.

Thanks x

Dee74

Hi Bunny

I think a lot of us have dealt with this to varying degrees.

From my own experience, if you're having suicidal ideations, it's very important to reach out for help and see someone.

We can often fall into ways of thinking that suggest that this is the way life will always be - always anxious, always depressed, always haunted by the past.

It's simply not true - my own life is proof of that - I've turned my universe upside down for the better in the last 6 years of sobriety

It's got to have an outside perspective to help us work our way through that, even if it's your own GP or even just a call to a crisis line.

There's a lot of reading in this link and some links to other forums and international resources:

http://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/...ease-read.html

Here's some local numbers for you:
In Crisis? | SPINZ - Suicide Prevention Information New Zealand

Things can and do get better - there's thousands of examples all around you here Bunny

D

trachemys

You need a different Plan B.

Mine is, that if I falter, my sister comes and collects me and takes me to an inpatient treatment center. We've already picked it out. I've got little escalation plans for when things get tough.

Get a better plan. Suicide is never an option.

Bunny7

Thank you. I don't know why I think like that, and it's not that I'm like suicidal but I just thought maybe its not uncommon and other people get that too?

Dee74

Trachy makes a great point...a Plan B should reflect that there are always more options than alcoholism/addiction or death.

What kind of support do you have Bunny?

D

soberclover

I think it is common for us folks in recovery to struggle with times of depression and anxiety. Sometimes things can get pretty dark. My experience is that it does go away. Before I became sober I struggled with suicidal ideations; it really scared me but not enough to stop drinking. I think I was on a self-destructive mode if I'm honest with myself. Now that I'm sober, meeting weekly with a therapist, changing my medication (less in fact), and learning more about how to live sober, life really is getting better. Keep talking...it helps.

trachemys

Sure, bunny, some people get that way. Anxiety and depression are horrible feelings. The desire...no, the driving NEED to get out from under them can push people to drastic measures.

You have to engage your rational mind and push yourself to things you know will make you feel better. Exercise, sunshine, a good cup of tea, a cookie(biscuit?), flower gardens, pet stores, whatever will make you happy.

I have a prescription for a little happiness for you: get rid of that morose frownie in your signature. Go find something funny or joyful or happy. Be the change you want in your life.

daisie13

bunny7, ive been clean for alomost 2 years now, and there are dark days, there are days where all i think about are the people ive harmed and the things that ive done, but with time one gains perspective. THere is not a whole lot one can do to rewrite the past, but you can shape your future, you are worth it, thats what keeps me going....You Are Worth It. No addict walks away with a clean slate, but it gets better, you are worth it, you do matter. i hope that helped.

Boleo

12 step recovery deals with morbid reflection such as you mentioned just so our past does not continue to haunt us. That's why someone wrote the book "There's more to quitting drinking than quitting drinking".

Bunny7

Yeah, I guess when someone said to me 'people forget sobriety is not easy or simple' I know what they mean now. I've had 2 genuine suicide attempts, one while drunk and the other on my first day of sobriety - and I know that if I go back to drinking it will probably kill me in the long run, whether directly or I do it myself.
Thank you everyone for your comments - I'm sure the silver lining is around the corner

Lyoness

Hi Bunny. I've struggled with suicidal feelings and depression, both in my recovery and in my life before and during addiction. I think in some ways, suicidal feelings are like an exaggerated alcohol/drug binge. It's the ultimate escape where using is temporary. It's all about having an escape, an out, for when we can't deal with life. I've only just been realizing that in sobriety.

So definitely having a plan B would be a good idea. Reaching out for support is the best thing you can do, keep doing so. And maybe consider some counseling if you're not already doing that. It could help you work through underlying issues that keep you trapped. Take care.

LadyinBC

We can't change the past. It's done and over with. All you can do is try to make amends and move on. People who love you will not let you dwell on this and will forgive you.

Don't be so hard on yourself. Getting sober and working on yourself is an amend in itself. To you and to those that you care about.

Stay strong, the longer you are sober the better it gets. It's not uncommon for people to feel depression or anxiety when they first quit drinking. I think alot of us can relate to that.

sparky78

Hi Bunny- I never go to bed without thinking about five things that I am happy about/grateful for. Sobriety is always one of them, and sometimes I really have to stretch for the other 4 on bad days, but I can always think of something. Have you talked to a doctor? You deserve to feel better and sobriety is one huge step in that direction even if it doesn't seem so at first!

2granddaughters

Hello Bunny:

I was a suicidal drunk too, so was my first AA sponsor. He kept me working the program and assured me that all would be well. It was but it took a while.

I couldn't do it without the AA program. My recovery started in a 90 day in-patient recovery home.

I wish you the best.

Bob R

bemyself

Hi Bunny, I can relate to what Lyoness said above. Yeh, depression and / or anxiety tends to be an ongoing thing for many of us. Indeed - I only say this from my own experience and research - they often pre-date our drinking, MAY improve for periods of time, when we stop drinking....and yet can re-occur (though, certainly, our drinking makes it worse: the interminable conundrum, as some of us use drinking - or drugging - to self-medicate).

I know, as someone in her late 50s, that depression, even to the point of suicidal thoughts, will somehow always be with me. A part of me hates it, and yet another part has accepted it.

It can certainly help a bit - or even a lot - to see a good counsellor. For myself, I've seen so many over past decades, I'm a bit wary of trying again. However, as Dee and others on these boards often point out, at least trying that route of counselling is a kind of self-compassion. It's to say to oneself: shite! I can't cope with these feelings and thoughts by myself! Maybe just telling someone else - and an objective and TRAINED third party is often best, they don't tend to argue with you I've found :-) - might help to just 'get it out there'.

Mental suffering is awful. We put ourselves through enough suffering simply by trying to live; adding to our burdens with added mental dialogue all alone doesn't help. Tell it, write it, but yeh, try to get it out there, where someone else can hold it for a bit.