Is AA not for everyone?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: NY,NY
Posts: 1
Is AA not for everyone?
Hi guys. I'm new here, and I am looking for a little advice.
I am sober a year this month, which I am so proud of and grateful for. I live right outside NYC with my parents, where I have been for the last year. I got sober really on my own, with the help of my family and friends, my Dad who has been sober for 30+ years, and especially G-d. My spiritual path, along with myself, have really kept me sober. When I got into the city, I try to always catch an AA meeting. I have picked a specific one that I have gone too a few times that seems really great. Mind you, I didn't get sober necessarily the AA way, so when I go I sometimes question my mode and path of getting sober. At this meeting, especially today, people were saying how AA is an action/do program, and you're either all in or you're all out. Speakers were saying how you must be of service in any way possible within the program. I totally understand the whole system, and I appreciate it for what it is and I know it helps an incredible amount of people, but I felt uncomfortable there. I didn't necessarily follow the steps, or get a sponsor- I really went along my sober way this past year MY way. But when I go to AA, I question MY way. It makes me sad, because I spoke to my Dad who did the AA thing for a very long time, and he says that the whole AA system/procedures are merely suggestions, and that no one should make others feel that they are doing it the wrong way, that if they aren't all in they might as well be all out. I am just frustrated.
So, my question is, is it OK to feel this way? Has anyone else not followed the AA path to getting sober? Is AA not for everyone?
I am sober a year this month, which I am so proud of and grateful for. I live right outside NYC with my parents, where I have been for the last year. I got sober really on my own, with the help of my family and friends, my Dad who has been sober for 30+ years, and especially G-d. My spiritual path, along with myself, have really kept me sober. When I got into the city, I try to always catch an AA meeting. I have picked a specific one that I have gone too a few times that seems really great. Mind you, I didn't get sober necessarily the AA way, so when I go I sometimes question my mode and path of getting sober. At this meeting, especially today, people were saying how AA is an action/do program, and you're either all in or you're all out. Speakers were saying how you must be of service in any way possible within the program. I totally understand the whole system, and I appreciate it for what it is and I know it helps an incredible amount of people, but I felt uncomfortable there. I didn't necessarily follow the steps, or get a sponsor- I really went along my sober way this past year MY way. But when I go to AA, I question MY way. It makes me sad, because I spoke to my Dad who did the AA thing for a very long time, and he says that the whole AA system/procedures are merely suggestions, and that no one should make others feel that they are doing it the wrong way, that if they aren't all in they might as well be all out. I am just frustrated.
So, my question is, is it OK to feel this way? Has anyone else not followed the AA path to getting sober? Is AA not for everyone?
Member
Join Date: Sep 2009
Location: Miami, FL
Posts: 1,701
I think self-questioning is usually a good thing. It keeps us honest. But if it becomes paralyzing...that is not so good.
But yes, many people DO get sober without AA. I think it is good to question yourself, but what is your answer? What does your own inner compass tell you?
I am confused by your question about it being "OK" to feel any particular way. What makes a feeling OK or not okay?
The reason I ask these questions is not to be confrontational, but because I think you already have answers. I think a lot of people, myself included, will give you opinions. But yours is the one that counts.
But yes, many people DO get sober without AA. I think it is good to question yourself, but what is your answer? What does your own inner compass tell you?
I am confused by your question about it being "OK" to feel any particular way. What makes a feeling OK or not okay?
The reason I ask these questions is not to be confrontational, but because I think you already have answers. I think a lot of people, myself included, will give you opinions. But yours is the one that counts.
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
dig8778,
Miamifella has a point. The most important question here isn't whether people get sober without AA--of course they do!--the question is why you would ask whether it's ok to feel that way.
I'm guessing from your post that the reason you question this is because what you're hearing at the meetings differs from what your father is telling you. Your father is telling you it's ok; the people at the meetings are disagreeing. And maybe you don't trust yourself yet.
It can be hard to trust ourselves after years of f-ing up, but ultimately this IS your choice. What is your heart telling you? Your brain?
Miamifella has a point. The most important question here isn't whether people get sober without AA--of course they do!--the question is why you would ask whether it's ok to feel that way.
I'm guessing from your post that the reason you question this is because what you're hearing at the meetings differs from what your father is telling you. Your father is telling you it's ok; the people at the meetings are disagreeing. And maybe you don't trust yourself yet.
It can be hard to trust ourselves after years of f-ing up, but ultimately this IS your choice. What is your heart telling you? Your brain?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: UK
Posts: 5,678
Welcome to SR Dig 
I don't know much about AA but I am sure you are welcome whatever way you recover. Did someone actually say this... ..it seems a bit strong. Maybe it was just supposed to be encouraging somehow...
I'm sure I'm not alone on this but I constantly question my way (which incidentally is just any which way possible, AVRT, AA, SR...). I see it as my Alcoholic Voice trying to tell me I don't belong and that I should just go and have a few beers. There was something very scary about going to AA which made me have lots of doubts about my alcoholism and whether I was doing things right. I now have this weird kind of balancing act where I won't do something just because others think I should, but neither will I not do something if I think it might hinder my recovery. If that makes any sense. Probably not!
But yes I get where you're coming from. Don't worry about it and just continue doing whatever works for you x
I don't know much about AA but I am sure you are welcome whatever way you recover. Did someone actually say this...
you're either all in or you're all out.
I'm sure I'm not alone on this but I constantly question my way (which incidentally is just any which way possible, AVRT, AA, SR...). I see it as my Alcoholic Voice trying to tell me I don't belong and that I should just go and have a few beers. There was something very scary about going to AA which made me have lots of doubts about my alcoholism and whether I was doing things right. I now have this weird kind of balancing act where I won't do something just because others think I should, but neither will I not do something if I think it might hinder my recovery. If that makes any sense. Probably not!
But yes I get where you're coming from. Don't worry about it and just continue doing whatever works for you x
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: SE Michigan
Posts: 1,066
Core AA teaching stresses that there are no half measures and that to truly "succeed" you have to work the steps, etc.
But....if what you are doing is working for you, I wouldn't worry about it. Take what you need and disregard the rest. I have a good friend who is over a year sober; he goes to AA meetings once or twice a week but has never looked for a sponsor or had any interest in doing the steps. He seems to be doing just fine.
Personally I am in AA, but I am also leaning heavily on secular programs and a cognitive-behavioural therapist, to stay sober. They're all tools, and you use them in whatever way seems to work for you.
But....if what you are doing is working for you, I wouldn't worry about it. Take what you need and disregard the rest. I have a good friend who is over a year sober; he goes to AA meetings once or twice a week but has never looked for a sponsor or had any interest in doing the steps. He seems to be doing just fine.
Personally I am in AA, but I am also leaning heavily on secular programs and a cognitive-behavioural therapist, to stay sober. They're all tools, and you use them in whatever way seems to work for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Welcome dig8788 !
Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion" and "How It Works". What do you think about those writings? Are you an alcoholic of the type described?
The Big Book says if you are in doubt, try it on your own for a year. So... does AA miss you or do you miss AA?
Certainly many "people" do get dry on their own but probably not if you are an alcoholic as described in "The Doctors Opinion".
Yes, the 12 Steps are 'suggested' if you want what we have- the same as it is suggested when parachuting out of a plane that you count to "3" and pull the cord. Your choice.
dig, another simple truth is you will get out of AA what you put into it. Want to just scrape by .... you can do that. Want to get all that AA has to offer, (Goggle and read "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous") then jump in and get it.
You stated in your post "I got sober really on my own, with the help of my family and friends, my Dad who has been sober for 30+ years, and especially G-d".
Which is it? That's like saying "I knew I could do it by myself if you helped me".
The fact that you are asking shows that your head and heart are open... searching. Recognize the truth when you see it. Many of us have a problem with that.
Some of us think that 2+2=5 and believe it (or want to)
Others of us know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.
All the best.
Bob R
Google and read AA's "The Doctors Opinion" and "How It Works". What do you think about those writings? Are you an alcoholic of the type described?
The Big Book says if you are in doubt, try it on your own for a year. So... does AA miss you or do you miss AA?
Certainly many "people" do get dry on their own but probably not if you are an alcoholic as described in "The Doctors Opinion".
Yes, the 12 Steps are 'suggested' if you want what we have- the same as it is suggested when parachuting out of a plane that you count to "3" and pull the cord. Your choice.
dig, another simple truth is you will get out of AA what you put into it. Want to just scrape by .... you can do that. Want to get all that AA has to offer, (Goggle and read "The Promises of Alcoholics Anonymous") then jump in and get it.
You stated in your post "I got sober really on my own, with the help of my family and friends, my Dad who has been sober for 30+ years, and especially G-d".
Which is it? That's like saying "I knew I could do it by myself if you helped me".
The fact that you are asking shows that your head and heart are open... searching. Recognize the truth when you see it. Many of us have a problem with that.
Some of us think that 2+2=5 and believe it (or want to)
Others of us know that 2+2=4 and can't stand it.
All the best.
Bob R
Administrator
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Dancing in the Light
Posts: 61,474
I think you should do whatever works for you.
I also have a combination approach to recovery. I started off using books as my main tool, SR is my lifeline, and working on balance in my life each day.
I also have a combination approach to recovery. I started off using books as my main tool, SR is my lifeline, and working on balance in my life each day.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,378
Hi and welcome dig8788
I like to keep things simple - if you're sober and happy to be that way, you've learned what I consider to be the essential aim of Recovery
whatever you do, or don't do, after that is a question of personal taste..and after all it's your recovery
D
I like to keep things simple - if you're sober and happy to be that way, you've learned what I consider to be the essential aim of Recovery
whatever you do, or don't do, after that is a question of personal taste..and after all it's your recovery
D
Self recovered Self discovered
Join Date: Aug 2011
Location: Toronto Canada
Posts: 5,148
Welcome to SR, Dig8788. I like the way you write by the way.
Ok, your questions:
My answers:
That article suggests that the type of recovery method best suited to you is dependent on your personality type. So, how do you know what will work best for you? I did my own research, I asked questions in the google and I drew my own conclusions. I looked for evidence and proof and chose something that made sense to me and was consistent with my view of things in general.
You already have some exposure to AA and that is a good place to start. I did the same thing, and I think many of us looked very closely at it too. You can find information about non 12 step ideas and alternatives to AA in our own SR forum called Secular Connections. You might find a better fit for you there.
Whatever you find, whatever way you choose, it doesn't matter to the extent that they all need your commitment to staying sober. That is paramount.
We all have to find our own way, this getting sober is a very personal thing, and it has to feel right for you. Best to you on your journey.
Ok, your questions:
So, my question is, is it OK to feel this way? Has anyone else not followed the AA path to getting sober? Is AA not for everyone?
- Your feelings are yours, and they are just fine the way they are.
- People have been getting sober without AA for millenia, and it still happens all the time.
- There is a post in this forum by OnlyTheTruth about alternatives to AA, and there are a bunch of them.
That article suggests that the type of recovery method best suited to you is dependent on your personality type. So, how do you know what will work best for you? I did my own research, I asked questions in the google and I drew my own conclusions. I looked for evidence and proof and chose something that made sense to me and was consistent with my view of things in general.
You already have some exposure to AA and that is a good place to start. I did the same thing, and I think many of us looked very closely at it too. You can find information about non 12 step ideas and alternatives to AA in our own SR forum called Secular Connections. You might find a better fit for you there.
Whatever you find, whatever way you choose, it doesn't matter to the extent that they all need your commitment to staying sober. That is paramount.
We all have to find our own way, this getting sober is a very personal thing, and it has to feel right for you. Best to you on your journey.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
If you are sober and happy about it, AWESOME!! Congrats on your upcoming 1 year anniv.
AA is the 12 steps. It is a spiritual program of recovery. The fellowship supports that. So, yea, if you aren't doing the 12 steps, you are, as you suspect, doing it your way, not AAs.... And, well, it seems to be working for you!
I agree with your father's sentiment, if not the wording, 1000%... No one should make you feel uncomfortable at AA... If you don't belong at AA, if it's not for you.... then that discomfort should arise from within yourself, not from your brothers and sisters in recovery.
That discomfort may pave your way to another program or away from AA, or it may pave your way to the program, the 12 steps, of AA... Either way... If you are happy and sober... Awesome.
AA is the 12 steps. It is a spiritual program of recovery. The fellowship supports that. So, yea, if you aren't doing the 12 steps, you are, as you suspect, doing it your way, not AAs.... And, well, it seems to be working for you!
I agree with your father's sentiment, if not the wording, 1000%... No one should make you feel uncomfortable at AA... If you don't belong at AA, if it's not for you.... then that discomfort should arise from within yourself, not from your brothers and sisters in recovery.
That discomfort may pave your way to another program or away from AA, or it may pave your way to the program, the 12 steps, of AA... Either way... If you are happy and sober... Awesome.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: De
Posts: 1,333
I've been sober with the Fellowship of AA for a long time. As far as the All in or out philosophy, I apply that to the Twelve Steps. Let's face it, not everyone has the knack of 12 stepping or sponsorship. There are many different means of service. There are also some different interprtation of the steps. Many subscribe to what's only in the Big Book. I like to include the experience of the million plus that have worked then after the book was written.
AA does not hold the monopoly on alcoholism recovery. Even in AA, the all in or all out people usually mean their way. As others have said, you get out of it, what you put into it.
AA does not hold the monopoly on alcoholism recovery. Even in AA, the all in or all out people usually mean their way. As others have said, you get out of it, what you put into it.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Florida US
Posts: 296
Remember that the vast majority of people in AA do not know other recovered alcoholics outside of AA thus their belief that AA is the only way. I outgrew the concept of powerlessness and now study and practice the 13 statements of Women for Sobriety which are very empowering. I also dabble in RR and have their book on my night table. Their addictive voice concept has been very helpful to me.
Trust your instinct and you'll be fine.
Trust your instinct and you'll be fine.
Forward we go...side by side-Rest In Peace
Join Date: Jun 2002
Location: Serene In Dixie
Posts: 36,740
Welcome to SR ...
Congratulations on your sober time....
Apparently you have a spiritual life...and that is what AA
is designed to do.
By living the AA Steps my God connection keeps growing
and that gives me a deep serenity in all areas..
So...I do hope you will continue to explore AA and wish
you and your Dad all my best.
Congratulations on your sober time....
Apparently you have a spiritual life...and that is what AA
is designed to do.
By living the AA Steps my God connection keeps growing
and that gives me a deep serenity in all areas..
So...I do hope you will continue to explore AA and wish
you and your Dad all my best.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: northern michigan. not the U.P.
Posts: 15,281
Is AA not for everyone?
no, AA is not for everyone and Aa even says that. we even support those who want to try another method of recovery. we dont care. we just want to see people get and stay sober.
i will say i have seen quite a few people who have decided to try something different or try it their own way, only to come back some time later and surrender. i have also ran into people on the street i met at meetings that are doing very good without AA. i have also heard of countless others who have died trying it their own way.
as for me, iAA's been workin good so i'm gonna stick with it, but also wish anyone the best in their journey and will be here to help if i am reached out to.
no, AA is not for everyone and Aa even says that. we even support those who want to try another method of recovery. we dont care. we just want to see people get and stay sober.
i will say i have seen quite a few people who have decided to try something different or try it their own way, only to come back some time later and surrender. i have also ran into people on the street i met at meetings that are doing very good without AA. i have also heard of countless others who have died trying it their own way.
as for me, iAA's been workin good so i'm gonna stick with it, but also wish anyone the best in their journey and will be here to help if i am reached out to.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2004
Location: Nebraska
Posts: 423
You kind of sound like me in that I went to AA meetings for the first 4 years or so but never got a sponsor but I did go through the first few steps while I was in outpatient counseling. I have been sober for last nine years now.
I guess you could call what I did a hybrid AA approach and never felt pressured at a meeting that I was doing something wrong. The fact that I was going to meetings early on was critical for me. It's hard to describe but the meetings kept me grounded and offered positive support. Plus, I felt like I was helping others too.
I couldn't trust myself to make wise or rational decisions on my own concerning alcohol. So the peer support was important to me. Great job on one year, but keep vigilant on your sobriety and do not let your guard down.
Take care,
Dave
I guess you could call what I did a hybrid AA approach and never felt pressured at a meeting that I was doing something wrong. The fact that I was going to meetings early on was critical for me. It's hard to describe but the meetings kept me grounded and offered positive support. Plus, I felt like I was helping others too.
I couldn't trust myself to make wise or rational decisions on my own concerning alcohol. So the peer support was important to me. Great job on one year, but keep vigilant on your sobriety and do not let your guard down.
Take care,
Dave
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Gardner
Posts: 93
IMO after trying AA and also getting a little weirded out by it - I have grown up in a spiritual family and for me it confused me to see so many people putting such great emphasis on a book that "talked" about the higher power, but didn't teach you how to have a relationship with the Higher Power. B/c after all - that's what it's all about, being connected to a "Higher Power" which was very accurately described in the big book before the edited version that was made in order to apply to more people. You have nothing to worry about Grab a bible, some friends who understand what your going through, and tell your story, and help others. If it helps you connect the two, they have a bible that applies the 12 steps ... it's one and the same.
Grab a bible, some friends who understand what your going through, and tell your story, and help others. If it helps you connect the two, they have a bible that applies the 12 steps ... it's one and the same.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Location: Bethlehem, PA.
Posts: 1,781
I doubt that any program out there could possibly be all things to all people. AA is what it is, a spiritual solution and if it works for you then that's fantastic. Not everyone is at a point in their lives (and many may never be) where they'll be able to embrace such a program. That being the case it's important that the public be made aware that there are other options more suited to their individual personality. This does seem to be the direction that treatment is taking so that's a good thing. I also prefer a take what works for you and leave the rest approach, that is what worked best for me.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
