sourgirl

Hello, I'm new to this site and have been in recovery for awhile. Its been a long road for me. I got addicted in college and dropped and moved to be with my parents. When I became clean I wanted to move back to college,(3hrs away), but couldn't b/c my parents supported me in school and said that they wouldn't support me or my decision, (I was 22 at this time and had no idea that I could've qualified for financial aid). So I remained in the small city where they lived (I was originally from a town 10 hrs away but they also wouldn't support me moving back to my home town). I had no friends or support and got back into drugs. I became about 1000x's more messed up than I ever had been. I still worked but was a closet addict. Eventually yrs later @ 27 I got on methadone to help me and cleaned up. I became about 1000x's better than I was before I got on methadone.About 2 yrs later I detoxed off of methadone (boy, was that one messed up/crazy experience). During this time i began and fb account and tried to reconnect w/old friends that I had gone to college with, family, old friends. I have to admit it was not the best idea b/c I think it was too much to see how well everyone was, how amazingly well. I tried to communicate with some people from college and because I was in the midst of detoxing may have said some innappropriate things and brought up things from the past that I should not of been bringing up. A couple of these people (my closest friends back in the day), stopped talking to me on fb and I was so sad. I closed my fb acct and went along with my life thinking fb was not good for me at that time. My problem is, that even after I have been clean for years now, I feel like NO ONE ever forgave me for what I did and my past. Its like all of my family friends have me marked now and will never get past my past. I feel horrible and have apologized a million times to all of my family and friends for me being such a mess when I was younger. I now have a daughter and 90% of my family and 100% of my friends still want nothing to do with me. It pains me to the core. I have been doing well for years now and she has no cousins or family. I have no friends and part of me thinks this is my fault b/c for a few years I did shut off any attempts to make new friends b/c I feared that they too would start disliking me and it would hurt to lose yet another friend. My life is simple, drama free, I do everything I can to make life good for myself and my daughter, yet I cannot seem to get anyone to forgive me for my past. I am so sad and wish I could go back in time, do things differently. I am trying to do everything right and I'm clean. No matter how hard I try, no one seems to think I'm good enough to be their friend or family member. Its so hard and I feel horrible.

Dee74

I'm sorry Sourgirl.

I put a lot of work into my recovery too - but there are still people who will never forgive me either.

Whether I feel they're right or not, or whether I think it's fair or not, I had to accept that and move on...

I have to put the focus on my life now...and I have to forgive *myself* for all that stuff that happened.

When I made my mind up to move on, I began to find positive supportive people around me, almost instinctively...I know you will too

You'll find a lot of them here - welcome to the SR community

D

Mo S

Facebook sucks; just my opinion- it stirs up so much drama and people like us can end up comparing our insides with others' outsides.
I learned alot about making amends in AA. Its not just saying I'm sorry. They are "amends" just like in the U.S. constitution. They said "oops sorry, we messed up; women should have the right to vote- we will never do that again" and they changed the law. Amends for our past harmful drinking and drugging are like that too. I had to tell and show them i would not do any more harm. I had to go out of my way to be different with them,- I'm sorry wasnt going to cut it. I also had to let go of expectations that they would forgive me and all would be well. After all, I moved on- why cant they, right? Well, some of them don't. The damage was done. What helped me feel better was 12 step program where i found new, awesome friends with no shared history of drinking and the harmful consequences. I hope you can find new people in your life. My best to you.

onlythetruth

It sounds as though you are still in that same small town, and it sounds like memories are long and forgiveness is in short supply. If you've been living a good life for several years now and still no one will talk to you, maybe it's time to move on to another place where you can get a fresh start. Or, if that's not possible, perhaps you could at least try looking for new social contacts right where you live.

One thing is for sure, no matter what anyone else says or thinks, you do not have to live your life in shame because you made mistakes in the past.

sugarbear1

It takes a long time to rebuild trust again. We often do a lot of damage to others while we drink and we can't see our behavior.

give them more time

Hugs,

sourgirl

Its funny you say that because thats exactly what I'm planning on doing! I have one more year of school and then I will get my degree and then I am planning on moving to my hometown. Its a bigger city and my one good friend I have, (the one that knows everything, but STILL loves me is up there!). The only problem is my parents live here and they are going to fight me moving up there, (they always have), because they like me and my daughter being close by. I love my parents, but I have to do whats right for me and stop trying to please them well into my 30's. Thanks again everyone for the responses. Onlythetruth, you hit it right on the nose, thank you.

onlythetruth

Good for you, sourgirl. I know it takes courage to make a move like that and it definitely is hard to break a pattern of pleasing others, but you are totally right that you have to do what is best for you and your daughter. After all, it is your life, not your parents' life. I am sure that in the end they want what is best for you too.

And great job finishing your degree!!!!

KnowHope

I feel for you because I hear your pain and can identify. When I got clean/sober I nicknamed FaceBook "GuiltBook" and had gone AWOL to keep from having to deal with the feelings that bubbled up whenever I took a peek into the lives of my old friends there. I judged my insides by other people's outsides. I also knew it was no way to live. I am so grateful I don't have to live that way anymore.

Taking stock with the guidance of a recovered alcoholic/addict that could help me to see my life, actions and the people in it in an entirely different way, and then knowing exactly what to do - and not do - in cleaning up the wreckage of my past have been a fundamental part of my recovery. I'd think that would come as great news, because if you want the same freedom it's out there and it works.

Congrats on your schooling and for getting off the rest of the drugs, including the methadone which is tough to come off of. My thoughts are that you have come so very far, but the best stuff where the great freedom lies is just right in front of you if you're still willing to go to any lengths for it.

Just one more note, through personal experience and that of many alcoholics I am close to, I have found that geographicals (if just for the sake of geographicals) do not work sober either because wherever you go, there you are. I've got a huge heart and I love people, but I've been on blue beaches in near paradise with a mind that could cycle in resentment, fear, anger, guilt, shame, etc. and I was never able to just wish it all away. Avoidance catches up with me. Learning spiritual based actions and how to live by spiritual principles, though, they have changed my life. And that resulting peace of mind is then within.

Lara

Dear Sourgirl..I am a non-addict but joined SR because of my addict friend...I am so sorry to read about your story - forgiveness is the key to life - noone is entitled to judge another human being - and the fact that you have a daughter now - all your so called family are doing is hurting an innocent person. As tough as this sounds, I would pick up your life, and move away, and start a fresh - can't you meet new friends through your daughter's school? I met a lot of new friends once my son started school...find hobbies you enjoy, and be open to meeting new people...I think the moment you accept your family is not there for you (can't imagine how hard that must be) you will let down the barriers and new people will come into your life....God bless you and your courage!!!!!

onlythetruth

Knowhope,

Doesn't seem this is a geographical for the sake of a geographical, though. Sometimes a change of environment is exactly what is called for!