Question for an alcoholic
Member of SMART Recovery
Join Date: Mar 2010
Posts: 1,722
I don't know if my perspective will help or not, but here goes.
I'm a former alcoholic myself. Drank for 25 years, sober for nearly 14. So I get it, and I have all the compassion in the world for both myself and everyone else who struggles or has struggled with this thing we call "addiction".
But I would never, ever, in a million years, begin a new romantic relationship with someone who is currently addicted to any substance or activity. The fact is that someone currently addicted is not relationship material.
I'm a former alcoholic myself. Drank for 25 years, sober for nearly 14. So I get it, and I have all the compassion in the world for both myself and everyone else who struggles or has struggled with this thing we call "addiction".
But I would never, ever, in a million years, begin a new romantic relationship with someone who is currently addicted to any substance or activity. The fact is that someone currently addicted is not relationship material.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: vancouver wa
Posts: 2
For Better
Hello my name is pwells my belief is that you should sit down have a talk with him ask him if he is ready to stop abusing his body and maybe wants some help. If he answers yes to any of these questions I stay stick with him. remember for better or worse?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Ontario, Canada
Posts: 209
I think the advice is pretty much on the nose - Ultimatums geeerally don't work. You need to do what is best for you. You cannot change your bf, you can only change how you react to him. And if you can't live with his drinking, then you have already made the decision and just need to implement it. You said "I understand it's a lifelong process but to actually give up drinking even one glass of wine". I know it sounds a little bizarre to most people who are not alcoholics, but as an alcoholic, I can't have one glass of wine - ever. That is because I am an alcoholic, and one glass of wine, leads to a bottle or more.
Good luck on whatever you decide.
Good luck on whatever you decide.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: USA
Posts: 81
One of my BFs asked me three years ago about the man she has been with since then and who is also a pal of mine. I told her exactly what she didn't want to hear, which was, he is the way he is and I wouldn't expect much more than that. But she didn't listen to me and so the story goes...
Since then, his construction business has gone bankrupt, he has lost his house, his truck, has gone through about $250 thousand of his own money, has cheated on her numerable times, seems to be crazier and more dependent on her every day, verbally abuses her anytime she asks him to answer for his bad behavior, is unwilling to work anymore, still tries to get attention and flirts with every woman who crosses his path, says he wants to get better, have a stable life, and cleanup, but never does it, and in fact, the lies, the deceit and the using and abusing still persist and have gotten much worse.
To add to this, she never wants to do anything about it for herself, and continues to enable him to use and abuse, and is forever unhappy and slowly going insane. I hardly talk to her anymore, but when I do, it's hours of telling me every single detail that goes on between her and her man. It's always one gigantic load to dump because she does nothing else to help herself - she doesn't go to meetings, she doesn't put her happiness first, she doesn't follow through with promises to change her life for the better. She complains and says she is going to leave him once and for all every time, but now I have heard she wants to buy a house for them!
This is example of two really great people who had everything going for them but who have let it all slip away slowly and painfully due to dependency on alcohol and a co-dependent relationship.
Will the madness ever end? I'm not sure it will.
Since then, his construction business has gone bankrupt, he has lost his house, his truck, has gone through about $250 thousand of his own money, has cheated on her numerable times, seems to be crazier and more dependent on her every day, verbally abuses her anytime she asks him to answer for his bad behavior, is unwilling to work anymore, still tries to get attention and flirts with every woman who crosses his path, says he wants to get better, have a stable life, and cleanup, but never does it, and in fact, the lies, the deceit and the using and abusing still persist and have gotten much worse.
To add to this, she never wants to do anything about it for herself, and continues to enable him to use and abuse, and is forever unhappy and slowly going insane. I hardly talk to her anymore, but when I do, it's hours of telling me every single detail that goes on between her and her man. It's always one gigantic load to dump because she does nothing else to help herself - she doesn't go to meetings, she doesn't put her happiness first, she doesn't follow through with promises to change her life for the better. She complains and says she is going to leave him once and for all every time, but now I have heard she wants to buy a house for them!
This is example of two really great people who had everything going for them but who have let it all slip away slowly and painfully due to dependency on alcohol and a co-dependent relationship.
Will the madness ever end? I'm not sure it will.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Canada. About as far south as you can get
Posts: 4,768
Originally Posted by anwa 
I'm not an alcoholic but my boyfriend is. I'm trying to figure out if I should remain with him or not. I do not want to be with an active drinker. I refuse it from now on. I'm codependent but only just realized it.
I have a question for an alcoholic who has sobered up or is currently doing that. Is it reasonable to give a 4 month time frame to get sober? I understand it's a lifelong process but to actually give up drinking even one glass of wine. I ask this because I want to give my boyfriend some time to actively recover from alcoholism before I break it off. I say 4 months because I don't think I can deal with another 6.
I expect my boyfriend to be actively trying to improve his life. I would ask this of any one I am with, alcoholic or not. I actively try to improve my life on a daily basis. I do things I don't want to do like go to my job every day. Everyone has to do things they don't want to do to improve their life.
Is this reasonable?
I have a question for an alcoholic who has sobered up or is currently doing that. Is it reasonable to give a 4 month time frame to get sober? I understand it's a lifelong process but to actually give up drinking even one glass of wine. I ask this because I want to give my boyfriend some time to actively recover from alcoholism before I break it off. I say 4 months because I don't think I can deal with another 6.
I expect my boyfriend to be actively trying to improve his life. I would ask this of any one I am with, alcoholic or not. I actively try to improve my life on a daily basis. I do things I don't want to do like go to my job every day. Everyone has to do things they don't want to do to improve their life.
Is this reasonable?
Don't even think about marrying him until he's got years sober.
You are choosing to spend your life with an "unknown quantity" .. a loose cannon. Be forewarned !
All the best.
Bob R
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Location: Getting there
Posts: 216
My partner was telling me for a number of years that drink was destroying my life.....I never listened. Only the person can make that decision to stop drinking or taking drugs. In my case it was not an 'aha' moment but more gradual. I do recall in June or early July that I planned in August to go on a diet - like all my plans on such topics it usally feel to bits, but not this time.
I started lurking on this site about mid August reading about people who had become sober and equally reading members experience on how alcohol has / had destroyed family, realationships, work etc. I always wished I could be strong to stop. I am 15 days in - about a week a go my partner asked if I wanted a glass of wine (maybe it was a test) - I said no - (in my mind I said because I am an alcoholic and just 1 drink will destroy me and my family in the long term). To be frank I have no clue how my partner remained with me over the years.
I started lurking on this site about mid August reading about people who had become sober and equally reading members experience on how alcohol has / had destroyed family, realationships, work etc. I always wished I could be strong to stop. I am 15 days in - about a week a go my partner asked if I wanted a glass of wine (maybe it was a test) - I said no - (in my mind I said because I am an alcoholic and just 1 drink will destroy me and my family in the long term). To be frank I have no clue how my partner remained with me over the years.
Only easy day was yesterday
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Randolph , Massachusetts
Posts: 48
And this is precisely why i will not join another site because this site is amazing, so supportive and lots of wisdom, being in recovery for alcoholism is by far the HARDEST thing i have ever done, its painful in every aspect, however it's also beneficial because you begin to "clear up" and life starts to become worth living again (i wanted to die at the end) you begin to, at least i did anyway, see that you're going to be okay.
For a long time i struggled with this disease and not until i was ready did i stop, and nothing or no one was going to convince me of that, i tried it all, so i could drink more yet i failed, MISERABLY, everytime, something had to give otherwise i was going to either suffer or get sober, i chose the latter, I'm only 4months, a day at a time, sober, but my recovery has so much to do with god and praying now, I'm thoroughly convinced of that as well, i can't do this alone i tried that to many times, We know how that turned out, today i try my best to stay connected with sober people, my sponsor and my higher power otherwise I'm in trouble, i can't afford to get away from meetings or complacent because it's not long before I'm drinking again and hurting my poor wife and she doesn't deserve that, i put her through enough, thank you god i have choices today, i know for certain i had better stay grateful or I'll drink, please god keep me away from that first one and I'll be okay....TODAY!!
Coop
For a long time i struggled with this disease and not until i was ready did i stop, and nothing or no one was going to convince me of that, i tried it all, so i could drink more yet i failed, MISERABLY, everytime, something had to give otherwise i was going to either suffer or get sober, i chose the latter, I'm only 4months, a day at a time, sober, but my recovery has so much to do with god and praying now, I'm thoroughly convinced of that as well, i can't do this alone i tried that to many times, We know how that turned out, today i try my best to stay connected with sober people, my sponsor and my higher power otherwise I'm in trouble, i can't afford to get away from meetings or complacent because it's not long before I'm drinking again and hurting my poor wife and she doesn't deserve that, i put her through enough, thank you god i have choices today, i know for certain i had better stay grateful or I'll drink, please god keep me away from that first one and I'll be okay....TODAY!!
Coop
Only easy day was yesterday
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Randolph , Massachusetts
Posts: 48
I hope my last post didn't get side tracked, i think it did, anyway at 4months sober i feel like i don't hav a say or a legitimate perspective as I'm still getting sober myself, however I'm about as sober as I'll ever get and therefore i will say this being an alcoholic we do alot of damage to people through our drinking and there comes a time in our loved ones lives when enough is enough, they've been beaten up and simply cant take it anymore, i personally think if he can't or refuses to get sober the decision is up to you if you want to keep living like you are, the time is now, you deserve better, much better, and until either he gets sober or you decide to leave, somethings gotta give and hopefully not your sanity, god bless you and i wish you the best in whatever you decide.
Only easy day was yesterday
Join Date: Oct 2012
Location: Randolph , Massachusetts
Posts: 48
Again this disease is not something to play with, although one who is still active is
unaware of this i'm sure, i know from what the OP spoke about i was the one who was
hurting and i could have cared less, as long as i could get my hands on the booze
thats what mattered most, its heart breaking to see the alcoholic ruin their life
drinking epsecially when you're powerless to do anything about it, i know thats how my
wife felt, anyway all you can do is stand by him and help or make the decision to leave
as you've had enough, which is understandable of course, leaving is an exteremly
painful choice but in most situatuins it MUST BE DONE as this might force the alcoholic
to do something about their drinking, its scarey to be told by your significant other
is leaving , for me it sure was, it's a "wake up call" and at times it really helps ,but
you can't hold your beath because the alcoholic will ONLY stop drinking if they want to
PERIOD - it's a shame yet thats the way it is, i crippled my wife emotionally , her
self esteem was magled as a result of my pig drinking, however just for TODAY i'm
sober because i pray to god daily to keep me away from a drink , drug and /or
substitute, some days its really difficult - back to you i dont want to get sidetracked
, you really need to do, or rather i suggest you do some soul searching inot whether
or not you want to continue to liveyour life like this, no one deserves to be subjected
to the pain the active alcoholic puts one others, finally , i am no angel, i sincerly hope i
DID NOT come across as i was preaching, i'm just another alcoholic who is not unique
and is subjected to the daily goings on that happens on in our daily lives, i hope when
this reaches you , that you're peaceful and at the very least at a point in your life you
can face the decision and whats best for you in the long run.Take care abd be well.
Coop
unaware of this i'm sure, i know from what the OP spoke about i was the one who was
hurting and i could have cared less, as long as i could get my hands on the booze
thats what mattered most, its heart breaking to see the alcoholic ruin their life
drinking epsecially when you're powerless to do anything about it, i know thats how my
wife felt, anyway all you can do is stand by him and help or make the decision to leave
as you've had enough, which is understandable of course, leaving is an exteremly
painful choice but in most situatuins it MUST BE DONE as this might force the alcoholic
to do something about their drinking, its scarey to be told by your significant other
is leaving , for me it sure was, it's a "wake up call" and at times it really helps ,but
you can't hold your beath because the alcoholic will ONLY stop drinking if they want to
PERIOD - it's a shame yet thats the way it is, i crippled my wife emotionally , her
self esteem was magled as a result of my pig drinking, however just for TODAY i'm
sober because i pray to god daily to keep me away from a drink , drug and /or
substitute, some days its really difficult - back to you i dont want to get sidetracked
, you really need to do, or rather i suggest you do some soul searching inot whether
or not you want to continue to liveyour life like this, no one deserves to be subjected
to the pain the active alcoholic puts one others, finally , i am no angel, i sincerly hope i
DID NOT come across as i was preaching, i'm just another alcoholic who is not unique
and is subjected to the daily goings on that happens on in our daily lives, i hope when
this reaches you , that you're peaceful and at the very least at a point in your life you
can face the decision and whats best for you in the long run.Take care abd be well.
Coop
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