cat4554

My husband of 31 years is a High Functioning Alcoholic. 11 years ago, his drinking was starting to get REALLY out of control. Before that, I always said my husband was a Jekyll / Hyde. Never fully accepting that even one glass of wine could alter his personality. Over 2.5 years ago it was so bad, I had to kick him out. He was lying and cheating on me. Only after 3 months of living separately he wanted to work on us as a couple BUT never admitting that drinking was THE ISSUE that created all the problems in our marriage.
So for the past 2.5 years, I did all the work on myself to become a better person. I realize I can't just blame him or an event in my life. This was my life lesson to learn from. All this time I have been on an emotional roller coaster of I love you, I don't want you but I still love and you are the love of my life.

Very recently I discovered he was still in contact with his lover, his drinking buddy. For one week, I had no contact with my husband. I was shocked yet elated when he came to me a broken man, crying for help. Admitting he had a drinking problem. He admitted the alcohol made he make poor choices and how those choices hurt me. How it made him say words that hurt me. He didn't want to hurt me anymore because I was the love of his life. That was Feb. 26, 2012. For 4 days he moved back in with me and it was heaven.
You know, it didn't last. He admitted he loves his apartment to drink. " I want my privacy, my private life. To come and go as I please without answering to you or anyone." He is 59 years old and I am 58.

After that I started Al Anon and kept my distance from him. BUT on April 4th, my dad was very sick and I thought I was going to lose him. My husband spent all his time with me at the hospital. He was the best supporter ever. During this time, he was hugging me, making me dinner.

Last week, my Higher Power made me do something I hadn't done in over 2.5 years. My gut told me to check on my husband. You see, he lives only a few blocks from me. He wasn't coming home from work anymore. He slept away. This was exactly like the time I pushed him. He still denies things about his former lover BUT I did find her by accident in his new iphone. When he got it back on Feb. 19th, he was letting me play with it. Well, he was holding it and I was wondering why he was acting strangely.

Easter Sunday, as we were driving down to visit his mom, his regular cell phone rang. He picked it up and his demeanor, word choice made me realize it was a female. Immediately after he hung up he said to me, " I am not dating anyone or in a relationship." I asked if it was his former lover and he said no. That it was another female friend. I didn't believe him. Why ? Because if Dottie had really called just to say Happy Easter, wouldn't he have said it back to her ? He did say, " I don't know why Dottie called me to say that, she has never done that before."

Honestly, that morning, I thought I smelled alcohol on him. Al Anon told me never to confront him.

What I did say was this, " I don't believe you or trust you but I am not going to let it ruin my day."

We did have a nice day and week.

April 19th I found out he has been sleeping away. I called him and left him a voice message stating I will never trust him. Good Bye.

Yesterday, April 22, he sent me one of his famous emails stating he is sorry and how he loves me but he really wants his own life.
Funny, he has my photos all over his apartment, he even saved my Valentine Card and keeps it on his entertainment center next to my photo.

I shared this email with my counselor and she found it to be very distressing.

She counseled us last year 8 times. I ended it because he did nothing, none of the exercises to repair our marriage.

What is the matter with this man ??? Is it more than alcohol that makes him flip flop about us.

Years ago I thought it was a mid life crisis. Can it be a variety of things to explain his behavior about me, our marriage.

I guess he loves his drinking buddy, his lover more than me.

His email yesterday ended with " don't assume anything. "

Seriously, why would I believe him ???

I did attend AA once, hoping to get a better understanding of my husband but I couldn't relate to the man who was speaking. My husband never went to jail, always goes to work, never had a DUI or DWI.

If you could offer some insight, it would be greatly appreciated.

I love this man but I need a life. Maybe there is a better person out there for me but I haven't let it happen.

I AM STILL ATTENDING AL ANON.

Mark75

He is not High Functioning...

He is an alcoholic who has put his drinking before anything and everything else. He stands to lose everything. Simple, really, he is an alcoholic.

I don't understand it anymore than you, really... Why, How??? Just the nature of the beast. You can't save him, you know that. Don't try.

Prayers to you. Maybe he will find recovery.

LifeRecovery

For me Al-anon helped me to work on both the addiction of my exAH and the affair he had that finally got me into recovery around alcoholism.

The skills of detachment, the Three Cs etc were applicable to me in both situations.

It finally helped me to own my own power, and to stop giving him so much of my power.

I also did a lot of learning. About addiction, about affairs, about grief (because I had/have a lot of grief).

I don't know if addiction/alcoholism go hand in hand with affairs but I do know that the addiction and the affair made me feel similarly. I felt out of control, hopeless, struggled to not feel like it was my fault etc.

This has been a long, hard journey for me. However it was what I needed to get the old stuff cleaned out and healed. Just because it is necessary does not make it easy.

cat4554

Dear Life Recovery,

What 3 C's??? And thanks to Mark 75. On another forum for AL Anon members, they said the same...plain & simple he is an alcoholic. But I got that word from reading about alcoholism.

waw545

Spouses of alcoholics be come co-dependent they seem to not have the will to make the decisions on leaving the alcoholic they tell there selves it wont happen again or if he seeing another woman they wont over react they say its not what I think. Being codependency is not easy to get out a lot stay in the relationship till something bad happens.

readytoheal

I am going through the same thing as we speak except my husband hasn't drank in 2 years. But, he hasn't been working his program. I started to attend alanon over 8 months ago and since then our relationship had been improving. When he left to go out of town, things were good with us. Came back a changed man. Found out he became friendly with a coworker. Not sure what happened but I dont care. A week after this, i found emails. Not sexually but flirty. At this point, I was done. He did this while using and i have finally learned that this is unacceptable behaviour and i asked him to leave. He wasn't working his program and needed to get himself straight.

He now blames me and the past for all of his issues. Even though i have been working my butt off in alanon and he is doing nothing but making bad decisions. As of this past weekend he is still talking to this girl and I believe they went away together. he screws up, blames me and our marriage for HIS issues. Granted, i haven't been perfect but I am trying to change.

I believe this is his disease. He is on a slippery slope downward and will hit a brick wall very soon. I pray he doesn't drink. But, I now know that I have no control over this situation. I have put up my boundaries to protect myself. This is the love of my life and I do not want to loose my marriage BUT I do not want this broken man in my life. I believe that things really have to hurt for change to happen and until it does , my husband will not change. I am letting my husbands HP take care of him. And if he needs to fall flat on his face, then it has to happen. I believe i have gotten in his HP's way so many times.

My recommendation, Leave him alone to deal with his consequences. WORK ON YOU AND ONLY YOU!!!!!!!!! Go to as many meetings as you can. GET A SPONSOR and work the steps. Read everything Alanon literature you can. Make as many Alanon friends you can. Immerse yourself in the program. And pray to your HP.

This is what I am doing. My marriage might not work out and i am making no decisions today. But I know when it is time to make a decision, I will be prepared to make the one that is best for me.

crazybabie

Cat4554 the 3 C's are

you didn't cause it

you can't control it

you can't cure it.

StevenT

I wish I could help you understand him, but I don't understand it either, so I can't help there. However, I believe I may still be of assistance. My fiance recently cheated on me, and the pain I felt due to that was intense. Stronger then that of my father dying, for atleast he didn't harm me with his actions. In my case, I was told by my support group that I have to protect myself, and to do so I had to make a choice. I chose to give her one more chance, but I set clear and concise boundaries. The result of not following these boundaries is the end of the relationship, and I made this clear to her. This happened less then a week ago, so we'll see how it goes. But to protect myself from getting hurt more, I have to stick to those boundaries, no matter how much I may want her in my life. It comes down to how much does she want me in hers, and she's the only person who can answer that. Something else that may help is reading pages 66-67 of the Big Book, which can be found online if you don't own one. It's after the breakdown of step four in how it works. It helped me.

Hope this helps,

Endofline

We all have basically the same story my husband drinks and does drugs but believes he doesn't t have a problem. He blames me for all his troubles he always makes bad choices that have hurt our marriage, flirted know and possible cheated although to me the flirting is cheating. It destroyed everything and he is so stubborn and now says he wants his own life. I don't understand how this is even the same man I met and married. I do feel hopeless I can't seem to let go and move on I'm 46 and I'm miserable like this. Thanks for sharing everyone

jimmy1

hes confused:day1

mconcerned

Hi I thought the 3c's were control, cure, change. I guess they are the same. They have added a 4th now, I think its contribute. you cannot contribute-as in enable etc.

I was an rx user/abuser for many years. My wife of 31 yrs left. She is an alanon junky. When I say al anon junky, I mean 8-10 meetings a week. While I think it helped her a lot, I think carried to excess like everything, can be destructive. She is no longer the compasisionate, caring, loving person I know. She is very selfish, and she seems confused. She uses me for her needs of $, help with problems like car, logistical issues of being 2 places at once, sometimes advice etc. Never any "I miss you", becasue that would mean she needs someone else, or is dependent on me for her happiness. That is how I think alanon destoryed my marriage. She would have nver considered divorce, but with this one group she did and got papers from an attorneyu. Now she is out of that group and the papers are no longer an issue. So it really concerns me. Anyway I was high functioning. No one knew except her, and now she is gone so how high functiong was I? I was HIGH. all the time. And when I wasn't, I wanted to find a way to get high. NOw I am not doing that, and ahve 4 yrs but I lost the person who matters to me the most. I am so heartbroken and so hurt. I did it to myself. I never abusd her, hit her, no abusees, none. I abused her by ignoring her.

I feel like Andy Dufresne in The Shawshank Redemption. When asked by the other inmates if he was guilty of killing his wife, he said "No.". They all laughted and said "everyone in here is innocent", and laughed more. Some years later as Andy was reflecting, he said to Red, "I didn't kill her, my personality drove her away, which led to infidelity and death." Thats how I feel. I have never laid a hand on her, or even raised my voice, but my actions drove her away and she seems to have no interest in coming back.

My line was, "I dont have a problem. You do. The doctor prescribes them, the pharmacy fills them, my insurance pays for them, its a medical issue." She knew. I knew, I didn't want her to know. I was in denial. That is what denial is all about. Denying the problem regardless of how much evidence is stacked against you.

So, I learned some huge lessons and as I read some of these posts, I get tears in my eyes. I think, if ONLY I could talk to the husband or wife and tell them that they are not fooling anyone, and tell them my story.

But I realize I would be wasting time. They would tell me why my problem was different, and they have a very unique problem and their wife or husband just does not understand, and just how inconsiderate and how lacking in compassion the husband or wife is. Until they want help, they wont accept it from anyone.

I hope and I pray that all of your situations turn out in ways that are win win for all involved. The facts are, most likely they wont seem that way, but down the road, when you realize what you had to do everyday and no longer do, you will be thankful.

Good luck.