Onewithwings

He is a normie, so I'm not sure why this bothers me. He stopped drinking for religious reasons at the same time I stopped drinking/using before my relapse last week (so almost 5 months ago). The other day, he decided to have a beer. It was just one (well, a 40) but I was jealous that he could drink and I could not. I just want to be normal, or at least have the support he offered in the beginning. He quit partly because of religion and partly to support me, and we had agreed to an alcohol-free house, but he just HAD to have a beer, didn't care how I felt about it. Now I know I can not let this affect my recovery and all that, and I don't plan to. Still, it's a little upsetting because he's going back on something we agreed on. It matters a lot to me to keep our home alcohol-free, partly because of our religion (which does not condone drinking) and partly because of my substance abuse. I just don't want alcohol in the house. He knows this. So basically, his desire for a beer was more important than his religious beliefs and more important than my being comfortable in my own home.

pattenat

I don't know what to say except that I'm gobsmacked! Maybe you could try talking to him about how it makes you feel.

I'd really be interested in why? Just why?

Onewithwings

That's what I want to know, too. He's not an alcoholic, he just likes beer and likes to get a buzz now and then. He stopped and now started for no real reason other than he felt like it. Well ****, I can do a lot of stuff "because I feel like it", even if it upsets somebody I love. There are plenty of things I would like to do and could do but don't do because I know it would upset my husband. I do everything I can not to hurt him, and when I relapsed it did hurt him. I don't know if this is retaliation or he really just wanted a beer that badly.

Anna

I'm sure it's disappointing that your husband went back on his agreement, but he isn't an alcoholic and that makes the world of difference.

Maybe you could talk with him again and work out something so that he didn't drink when he was around you.

The main thing is that you stay focused on your recovery.

pattenat

It's gotta be a guy thing! My husband is the same way!!!

I don't have any words of wisdom for you other than to let him know in a calm matter how you really feel about it and how it makes you feel inside. The emotional aspects.

This is where my husband and I are in counseling right now. I don't know how to deal with the "because I felt like it" scenerio either. But he does things frequently with complete disregard about how it might make me feel. I'm in great hope this is something I will learn through counseling. Him as well.

Mark75

My wife enjoys a tall white wine spritzer every night. She did before I went to treatment and she did after. She is a wonderful woman, wife, mother, coworker...

It truly sucked @ss at first... I probably felt many of the same things you are feeling now. I can tell you absolutely it gets better. I had to really work hard on my own recovery and worry about me... Not whether or not she has a drink.

If he was your best friend, would you expect him not to enjoy a beer from time to time? That was the question I was asked about my wife... It really put it in perspective for me.

deadeso

Ugh. There are many views on this. I can tell you that I was into my sobriety for over a year when my fiance at the time and I had a similar argument. She wasn't even drinking at the house, just going over and drinking with friends. She wanted me to go and hang out. I did. It was boring. It wasn't a temptation as much as it was an annoyance. Basically, she told me that it was my problem. While she is right, that recovery and drinking was my problem, I found it offensive that she just didn't give a **** enough about me to let me stay home while she went out and had fun.

Look, I cannot tell you about your specific relationship. What I can say is that I can be around drinking now and it doesn't bother me at all. That doesn't mean everyone can. Eventually, I think since the world revolves around it, most people in recovery have to face it. You need time to heal and to be sober before you can be around people who are drinking. He should really respect that. And if he needs to drink, do it when you are not around.

Best of luck, I hope things work out for you.

stugotz

I can totally understand your view on this. But just because we stop drinking doesnt mean the whole world will too. Sometimes the best lessons are the hardest to learn. Good luck.

joedris

My best advice here is to let it go. You're going to start building a resentment against your husband if you continue to let this bother you. It's this resentment that poses a threat to your sobriety, not him having a beer for whatever reason. You cannot control what your husband does or how he behaves, you can only control yourself. If he chooses to drink, that's his decision.

Having alcohol in the house is another matter, however. What he does that threatens your sobriety is indeed your business, and the presence of alcohol poses such a threat. I suggest you tell him that you will not allow alcohol in the house, and if he won't honor that simple rule then you'll remove any you find. If he wants to drink, he could at least do it somewhere outside the home.

Then here come the kicker. Every time such a situation arises in my life, a person does something to threaten my sobriety, I pray for them. I don't pray that they'll change their behavior or come to see things my way. Rather, I pray that God will grant them peace, understanding, acceptance and all the other things that I pray God grant me.

And after about 2 or 3 weeks of doing this, the resentment seems to fade away. The situation may remain the same, but my attitude changes. Dunno why this works, but it's never failed me. You may want to try it.

Creekryder

Just a personal note...my wife, an normie, likes to have a single glass of wine in the evening. Sometimes she doesn't even finish it (which used to horrify me when I was drinking. I thought it was a waste, so I accommodated her by finishing it off.) But one thing I never did, even in my heavy drinking, was to use her wine (except when she was pitching it.) Now that I am sober again, that wine is not a threat to me. I allow her to indulge in a glass because she doesn't have a problem, I do. I cannot forever remove myself from being around alcohol. Her bottle of wine is simply invisible to me. Let me state right here that I do not begin to propose that everyone should do this, I believe it could be dangerous to many. My point is I adjust my actions to not punish my wife for not being an alcoholic like me. I feel lucky to be able to do this.
As an ending note, my wife has not had a bottle of wine in the home for a couple of weeks. Simply, she doesn't need it like I did. There is a little bit of jealousy that she can do that, but as an alcoholic, it absolutely amazes me that a person can take that attitude toward booze. Damn, I wish I could do that, but I know I can't.
So here's a glass of wine for my wife and a tall glass of water for me. Yummmm!

Onewithwings

Thanks for the insight everyone.

As I said, I am definitely not letting this take me back out. I do feel though that this is a bigger deal because I was in my first week of sobriety. I probably wouldn't have cared so much if I had some time under my belt.

I wasn't tempted by the drink, per se, just a little irked that he drank it around me during my first week sober. Why fan the fire, you know?


I am trying not to let this become a resentment. I am pretty much over it now, actually. I love my husband, and he does the best he can.

passionfruit

Coming from a friend and family point of view:

My husband is an alcoholic. I started going to alanon.

In here, for our own sanity, we are taught to take care of ourselves, that we are doing whatever we are doing at the moment because WE choose to, no other reason.

So in an AA\alanon home, it becomes a dilemma between taking care of yourself and consideration, I guess, for the alcoholic.

I suspect when you go out in life (eat, visit friends..) you are exposed to alcohol there as well. You have to choose how to handle that situation.

Why is your husband put in a different category simply because he shares a home with you?

I could be wrong, but I don't think you would expect other people not to partake simply because you don't.

So why are you holding him to a different standard?

Yes, he is your husband. However, he is still a different person than you with desires, wants....

If you don't expect him to do things you want, he will not disappoint you.

I am saying this with as much kindness as I can generate across a screen so as some of the members of F&F say:

Take what you want...leave the rest......:ghug3

wanttobehealthy

I can see that it would be hard in your first week of sobriety, but how you got to that first week of sobriety was by relapsing, right? Your husband is not responsible for that, is he?

Maybe just as you feel he "promised" to keep alcohol out of the house, he feels that you "promised" to stay sober.

I think it is easy for both sides to see what the other person does as being hurtful/harmful and when we are able to just focus on ourselves everyone is a lot better off.

XxGoldenxX

have you told him your feelings about this? and asked him his own feelings about the agreement you two had? miscommunication is the worst...he might not even be thinking about it being an issue or something that would bother you as much as it does.

yoli

I completely understand the argument that you wouldn't expect a good friend to abstain from alcohol.

But honestly, it would bother me too if my partner drank around me knowing I have this problem. It would mostly bother me because I would want to join them.

Spawn

did you tell him how you feel?

or did you assume he already should know?

Onewithwings

Well, it is not bothering me anymore. He only had one other beer, which I gave him explicit permission to bring into the house. He has agreed not to buy beer by the pack and have it sitting in our fridge. If he wants a beer, he can buy what he expects to drink, and drink it. It didn't bother me this time, because a) I am in a better place spiritually, and b) we discussed it beforehand.

JTele

It's funny how things tend to change after we quit drinking. I've had nearly the opposite experience with my wife. She's a normie, too, but in the past when we'd go out for dinner or to a party with some friends, she'd almost always have a drink or two. Since I've been sober, she hasn't had anything to drink at all. I think this is quite a nice gesture on her part, but I've actually encouraged her to have a drink if she cares to have one. It's not something that bothers me in the slightest.

Cyranoak

I suggest it may have been about something other than, "just wanting a beer?" You have quite a backstory here already, and it seems to me there's more to it. Also, reading the rest of your posts you are doing what many codependent people like me did when their SOs were drinking-- counting drinks, making excuses for it, and obsessing on the SO's behavior.

May I suggest you might be a double-winner? Check out a couple of Alanon meetings and see what you think.

Take care,

Cyranoak