abnheel

Over 6 months sober and I feel on top of the world. How good I feel cannot be explained to anyone who hasn't suffered the breakdowns of being a drinker.

For the first time in years I face 24 hours as if I was given the power to determine my own fate. Of course, there is some truth to that.

My wife has been incredible in this struggle towards sobriety. However, the one thing we tend to conflict on is 'what am I doing to continue and grow'.

AA has its place and I go to a meeting a week after doing the 90 meetings in 90 days. However, I just don't feel a connection with anyone. I chose a temp sponsor and it was a disaster. So, after getting through step 4, I'm very hesitant to even get another because I feel that it does more damage than good to have someone fail at being my sponsor.

God has blessed me so much and while I do like how everyone has their own definition of a higher being, I find a lot of comfort, guidance, and peace in my personal study of the Bible and self-reflection. This is a very passive and fulfilling path for me, but it doesn't have the demonstrative effect as an active sponsor calling 24/7. So, my wife wonders if I've swayed away from 'the path'.

Does anyone have thoughts regarding this or feel similar to how I think I'm experiencing sobriety?

kher

I am on the other end of your ordeal. I am the spouse watching the recovery. For my husband (5.5 months sober), I am happy that he has taken the path he is taking because he feels it works for him. He tried rehab, twice, both failed. He tried meetings, failed. Had sponsors, failed. This time he is doing it his way. At first he threw himself into work so he didnt have time to think, the made his amends his way at his pace, he eliminated "friends" that were merely drinking buddies. He made great strides with his prayers, getting a better job and actually going to school now. He has come a long way from where he was and is able to make plans and look forward to the future.

I think if you have a supportive spouse and someone to talk to (read supportive spouse), then you will know what path will help you the most. Most spouses can not put themselves in your shoes, but realize she lived through the other end. I think sometimes that someone that lived the sober end of the alcoholics life can give just as much perspective as a sponsor. But, as I said, that is my opinion. Good luck to you!

whiskerkissed

I've been in Narcotics Anonymous since 2008. I've had 5 sponsors. A couple didn't work out. They were not working a good program. I learned what I didn't want through them. One (sort of sponsor) was online and very hard to get a hold of...BUT very important to me. I met this one here on SR. A huge influence on getting me to my first NA meeting and stayed on here many nights for HOURS while I was going through w/d before I found the rooms. One other one I could manipulate easily. This one I have now is what I need at this point in my recovery. This one knows how to get me to listen.

Don't give up from one bad experience. Remember that they're not in the rooms because things were good for them, either. They're there for the same reason - they're still recovering drunks. My sponsor still has those days where the addict comes out.

That being said - there are other ways to find recovery. NA, AA, CR or any other 12-step program is not the only way to achieve sobriety. There are MANY paths! Hopefully you will find one that works for you.

vinepest

That sounds a lot like what I did, rejecting the typical 12-step approach and instead simply throwing myself into activities which were rigorously demanding and required care and attention. Of course, I couldn't have done it without my wife. That kind of support is really important for people like me.

On the other hand, it is hardly deserved. Alcoholics aren't owed a thing by their spouses. The patience given to us is entirely a gift.

Mark75

I am left with a question or two...

I guess I am interested in why your wife is asking... is she someone who has knowledge of 12 step recovery? Al-anon, AA, Close friends or relatives, counselor? She clearly has the savvy to know that recovery is an ongoing process...

The next question(s) is (are)... hmm... Is there room (need) for more growth in your recovery that perhaps you do not see? Does she have certain (unmet) expectations? Are they realistic?

I guess I also wonder if your wife is too involved in your recovery... IDK...

My own experience is that my own wife has distanced herself quite deliberately from my own recovery... she never asks... but neither do I volunteer too much... I don't know if that's a good thing... I don't know... really.

You are working your own spiritual program, and that's fine... if you are happy. Are you?

joedris

I don't quite understand this thing about the "damage" caused by having someone fail at being your temporary sponsor. Huh? You chose someone to help you on a temporary basis. Is there some standard you set that this guy failed to meet, some expectation you had that he failed to live up to? If one person doesn't work out as your sponsor then no one will? There's a reason we call people temporary sponsors. How can someone damage something that doesn't exist? And what's this "demonstrative effect of an active sponsor calling 24/7" mean?

I get the impression that stopped working the steps and are saying that it's the sponsor's fault. Now you're going to do the magic chair/magic cup of coffee approach to AA and get this program through osmosis. My experience is that it's not gonna work.

If you're content with the things you're doing now - studying the Bible and engaging in self-reflection - and you feel that this is going to be successful in staying sober, then by all means stay with that approach. But don't expect to gain anything from AA. AA isn't a passive program and it's certainly not for everyone. You haven't really strayed from "the path" here as you were never really on it. Instead, you've found a different path and seem quite happy with it. I hope it works for you.

Spawn

okay your temp sponsor didn't work........what did you learn?
use this in picking your next temp sponsor.