What recovery means for those with depression

Old 01-30-2011, 06:30 AM
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What recovery means for those with depression

I'd like other depressed people's thoughts on this one.

Here's what it means to me:


Getting sober made life much worse. The suicidal thoughts were overwhelming. I finally admitted to myself that I was having serious problems and reached out for help. I told my doctor and he set me up with a therapist. I had relapsed by the time I saw her--she refused to recommend to my doc to put me on meds until I got sober. In less than a week I got sober--went back to see her and got put on meds. I've been sober since...although I do admit I did stop taking my meds this past September--wow, that was stupid--but I'm back on them now.

I had problems before I ever picked up booze. I had sought help for about a year before I drank. Nothing helped at that time--the therapy process was unfamiliar to me and I couldn't be honest with myself because I was scared.

Several years and tons of booze later I came to a crossroads of sorts. Either drink or kill myself. That's when it hit me that something was very wrong. I got help and I'm glad that I did.

Recovery for me isn't feeling like life is bunnies, kittens and flowers. I'll be the first to admit I miss drinking...well, the good effects, not the negatives. I don't feel a peace inside that others seem to feel. Recovery for me is making sure I take care of my depression. When my depression is in check it is much easier for me to stay sober. Living with depression means a life of managing. The 'recovery' is doing the work necessary to be and feel the best that I possibly can.

This is why I hope depressed sober people don’t get discouraged. It’s okay to feel like crap--just don’t let feeling like crap dominate your life. Talk to your therapist and your doctor. Keep adjusting and changing. Don’t settle for the abyss.
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Old 01-30-2011, 06:41 AM
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I had severe depression long before I drank, was on meds for it for years too, but they didn't help while I was drinking a depressant - duh! I was drinking to medicate the anxiety and depression but of course it only made them worse.

Once I got sober for good my depression became more manageable and my meds could do their job. I still have bouts of bad depression and sometimes think of drinking it away, but haven't done so as I know how much worse the depression would be if I drank.

I see a counselor once a week and she's a huge help in staying sober and managing my life. I'll probably always be on meds and that's ok by me as it makes my life so much better.
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Old 01-30-2011, 07:18 AM
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I've had "crap dominate my life" more than most people.....i turned to heavy drinking because of my depression and both escalated.

I miss drinking too...but now since I'm sober, i feel more like i did when i was younger. Adverse events happen, life is not fair, but I try to be grateful for what i do have and make it better as best I can.

I'm still working on the happiness factor and am optimistic that it might turn up in a while. at least i am not drinking myself to death, looking like crap and wasting my $$.
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Old 01-30-2011, 08:29 AM
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Recovery And Depression

There are a lot of days where I feel emotionally flat. I think the medication may have something to do with that. Yet that is actually better than the emotional pit of despair I was feeling before I entered dual-treatment. One of my treatments is CBT and Zen philosophy. I try not to label my current experiences with depression as either good or bad. Its just what I'm experiencing. I try to make the best of it. I do what I can to work with my depression in a way that allows me to be at least comfortable and functioning with my condition.

Some days are harder that others. I don't keep up with my treatments as well as I can. The one thing I have been doing through the thick and the thin is stick with being in treatment/recovery 'no matter what'. I don't hope to become something I'm not. I hope to be who I am and be okay with it. And so far its never as bad as if I allow myself to believe it.
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Old 01-30-2011, 02:29 PM
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Originally Posted by Bamboozle View Post
I'd like other depressed people's thoughts on this one.
I don't know much about depression but I sure do know about deep despair. Shortly after getting sober I got a job as a Over-The-Road trucker;

2 - 3 weeks without a day off
Lonely
Boring
Frustrating
Frightening (at first)

I thought it was the worst possible job for me at that point of my recovery. I never had an urge to drink, but I often found myself sinking into deep despair and singing the old Peggy Lee tune "Is that all there is?"

Bridge abutments and steep cliffs started looking like an easy way to leave that world behind. I found myself in a sink or swim situation. I had to find peace of mind, joy and sense of purpose or risk steering my truck deliberatly into harms way.

Turns out I learned more about prayer, meditation and detachment in that 14 months than I could have in decades of living a normal life. I now understand what the Buddhists say:

"In this life, pain is mandatory, but suffering is optional."
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Old 01-31-2011, 10:18 AM
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When I got sober it ruined a perfoctly good case of depression. Just sayin...
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Old 01-31-2011, 12:49 PM
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I believe I was born depressed and it got worse with every passing year. From my teens into my 40s I comtemplated suicide at least weekly often daily; alcohol was a slow suicide in itself. I rejected medication for my depression until I was in my 40s and had a breakdown, the medication helped a lot but during that time my drinking escalated more than ever so eventually it overrode the medication. Once I stopped drinking myself to death I was able to deal with a lot of the reasons for my depression and I no longer feel like a depressed individual; I've also accepted that suicide is not an option. I still have persiods of depression and feel hopeless but instead of wallowing in it with bottles of booze I now fight it as much as I can.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:20 PM
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Originally Posted by stugotz View Post
When I got sober it ruined a perfoctly good case of depression. Just sayin...
I wish I was that lucky.
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Old 01-31-2011, 03:35 PM
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Originally Posted by stugotz
When I got sober it ruined a perfoctly good case of depression. Just sayin...
Originally Posted by Bamboozle View Post
I wish I was that lucky.
I can hear my dear old pop's (R.I.P.) saying to me today: Snap out of that, I don't have no time for your monkey shines.
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:09 PM
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I relate to a lot of that. I agree that certain things got worse after getting sober. Of course that's because they surfaced and we know that alcohol doesn't solve anything, it just puts a party mask on it. Other things that I didn't have to deal with very often came back, like insomnia. And I notice that I obsess and worry over things more now, and it seems like I can't multitask the way I used to do.

All of that is how it seems to me.

The way I have been looking at it is that it takes perseverance. I have had thoughts about drinking but I don't have the desire; I don't desire it. So that leaves me with a dissatisfied feeling and then I have to shake myself out of it and it usually goes away pretty quickly. I understand firsthand a lot more now what people mean when they say that "quitting is the easy part." I see it that way now too, and notice myself using that phrase when I am replying to posts here.

Sometimes it's like I am feeling a discomfort that is familiar to me, that takes me back to my early 20s, before I drank chronically. So that makes me ponder again: well, it's not "worse now than it was," is it? It's just that the alcohol put it aside much of the time.

Anyway, I still have days when I have a gladness out of nowhere about still being sober, and it still amazes me. (What's one year next to around 15, right? Of course it should still be new.)

There are also some things I need to have straightened out in my life and that is a challenge, but I know myself very well: once I do accomplish those specific goals I will be confronted with dissatisfaction yet again. So the cyclical nature of all that adds up to a lot of mental barf. But I have some experience at using new techniques to get my mind on the right track again, like new disciplines that work in my favour in the long run. Sometimes I laugh at myself and I get to have the pleasure in being self-deprecating (and letting go of pride issues - what a burden!) without being drunk.

And that reminds me yet again that people are probably right when they talk about pride getting in the way.

I could go on and on, and I am not finished with the work either!
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Old 02-01-2011, 07:55 PM
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When I got sober and drug free, the depression was exacerbated 10 fold for a while. A shrink told me it was a genetic defect that led to chemical imbalance and that I would need to be medicated like a diabetic needs insulin. I took 3 doses of zoloft and it made me soooo much worse.

I took it upon myself to research everything I could about depression and what the p-"doctor" had told me. After I researched I went back to him and requested a genetic test to determine the cause, he told me there was no such test. I then requested a test to determine the chemicals that were "out of balance" and by how much so he could prescribe the right drug in the right dose, he told me there was no such test and that there has never been any clinical proof of a "chemical imbalance". He told me it was just a concept. I then proceeded to ask him this:

"why are you prepared to medicate me for something you cannot determine is wrong, with random doses of random medications whose method of action is unknown and which have a list of negative (not side) effects as long as my arm, based on nothing more than an 30 min session?"

when he replied that that is psychiatry, I just laughed at him, returned his drugs and left.

That was 6 months ago. Since then I live clean, no drugs, alcohol, caffeine or processed/refined foods. I sleep regular hours, exercise both mentally and physically almost every day and lead a generally productive life to the full. Guess what, the depression is gone. Sometimes I feel down, maybe for a few days, sometimes I feel extra good. Guess what, that's normal. I guess I could go to a shrink and get an undiagnosable label for that too and be medicated.


I beat depression.
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Old 02-01-2011, 09:04 PM
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There is real science behind antidepressants. I will spare you the whole neurotransmitter discussion... they work and their mechanism of action is well known and studied. Some people can't beat depression without them, some can.

That's awesome myhead, that you were able to beat depression without medication!! I was too, but looking back, antidepressants may have helped my through the very rough patch I had at about a year's sobriety... I'm like you are, I try to stay away from them... but there are plenty of folks for whom, when used properly, antidepressants can be a life saver.

Genetics are not the only thing that create a chemical imbalance... stress, grief, loss..
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Old 02-02-2011, 04:08 AM
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Thanks, Mark.

I mentioned that I stopped my meds in September...the reason I did so was because at the time I felt like it wasn't really helping, plus I was having bad memory problems and whatnot. Soon after the last of the meds were out of my system (it took a couple of weeks) the suicidal thoughts came back and I was back into the abyss. I turned in a 2 weeks notice to work (which they let me rescind) and proceeded to have a breakdown in front of my boss. I can laugh at it now, but dang. Aparently what I was on was at least keeping me out of the abyss.

Now I'm on a different one and this time my mood is better (although I still have some bad days, but no suicidal thoughts--that's good)---but I'm having the memory/thinking/etc. problems again. *sigh* I need to tell my doc the next time I go.
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Old 02-02-2011, 10:36 PM
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Originally Posted by myheadhurts View Post
"why are you prepared to medicate me for something you cannot determine is wrong, with random doses of random medications whose method of action is unknown and which have a list of negative (not side) effects as long as my arm, based on nothing more than an 30 min session?"

when he replied that that is psychiatry, I just laughed at him, returned his drugs and left.
This reminds me of something similar that happened to me about 7 years ago:

I was still in college, at least 2-3 years into my drinking career and went for help. I saw the school shrink, told him my problems and within minutes he started writing out a script (even though I was still drinking....I don't remember if I was honest about that). I started asking questions like, 'what if this doesn't work?'

He said, 'then we'll modify the dose'.

Me: 'and if that doesn't work?'

He: 'we'll add something'.

Me: 'and if that doesn't work?'

He: 'we'll try something else'

Me: 'so, I could try different meds for, say a year, and not feel any better?'

He: 'yes'.

I walked out. I then proceeded to drink for another 5 years because I could not get sober on my own--I needed real help, not my own self-medication.

I'm over the whole 'trial and error' thing now. I went and got help as a last resort--this was going to work or I was going to be dead.

I'm glad I'm still here.
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Old 02-04-2011, 11:10 PM
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I am wondering if Prozac at 8 years sober contributed, in the end, to relapse at 23 years sober. I felt SO much better on prozac. Nothing bothered me. No need to work the steps (except 10, 11,12 which I slowly did less and less ) I had horrible depression that Prozac lifted for a long time. Guess what? It stopped working. I kept trying to get it to work again. Tried other anti-depressants. Didn't work. Sound familiar. E.g. It stopped working (as-alcohol, etc. Sometimes does).
From Prozac, it was easy to justify trying other prescription meds. Eventually convinced myself I could use lorazepam, then ambient, finally Adderall and finally, back to alcohol.
Did anti-depressants lead me down a garden path to eventual relapse? Possibly, yes.
I have depression but due to my alcoholic and addict condition, At this point I think even sanctioned meds are killers for me. It's a double edge sword.
I'm hoping constant working of the steps can save my life. If not, I am probably screwed.
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Old 02-07-2011, 05:55 PM
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Originally Posted by Starryknight View Post
I am wondering if Prozac at 8 years sober contributed, in the end, to relapse at 23 years sober. I felt SO much better on prozac. Nothing bothered me. No need to work the steps (except 10, 11,12 which I slowly did less and less ) I had horrible depression that Prozac lifted for a long time. Guess what? It stopped working. I kept trying to get it to work again. Tried other anti-depressants. Didn't work. Sound familiar. E.g. It stopped working (as-alcohol, etc. Sometimes does).
From Prozac, it was easy to justify trying other prescription meds. Eventually convinced myself I could use lorazepam, then ambient, finally Adderall and finally, back to alcohol.
Did anti-depressants lead me down a garden path to eventual relapse? Possibly, yes.
I have depression but due to my alcoholic and addict condition, At this point I think even sanctioned meds are killers for me. It's a double edge sword.
I'm hoping constant working of the steps can save my life. If not, I am probably screwed.

I want to start this post by saying please do not take anything I say from a medical view and please consult your physician if you have any concerns about medications.

Now...........my experience-- when I got sober I was mandated to treatment and I saw a counselor and a doctor at the place I was put in. They diagnosed me with depression and mood disorder (this was with less than a week sober....LOL).....so I went on meds in the beginning and they worked great. I felt better, nothing really bothered me too much, but the problem was that they STOPPED working. Treating my alcoholism with anti-depressants did not work because I suffer from a spiritual malady, which has many symptoms SIMILAR to depression, but it is not depression. I am off the meds now for quite a while and I am very serious about 10, 11 & 12. It works FOR ME. I am happy joyous and free and I owe it all to constantly seeking God and helping others. Great stuff for me....the answer was not in a pill for me.
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Old 02-08-2011, 04:17 AM
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Originally Posted by Starryknight View Post
I am wondering if Prozac at 8 years sober contributed, in the end, to relapse at 23 years sober. I felt SO much better on prozac. Nothing bothered me. No need to work the steps (except 10, 11,12 which I slowly did less and less ) I had horrible depression that Prozac lifted for a long time. Guess what? It stopped working. I kept trying to get it to work again. Tried other anti-depressants. Didn't work. Sound familiar. E.g. It stopped working (as-alcohol, etc. Sometimes does).
From Prozac, it was easy to justify trying other prescription meds. Eventually convinced myself I could use lorazepam, then ambient, finally Adderall and finally, back to alcohol.
Did anti-depressants lead me down a garden path to eventual relapse? Possibly, yes.
I have depression but due to my alcoholic and addict condition, At this point I think even sanctioned meds are killers for me. It's a double edge sword.
I'm hoping constant working of the steps can save my life. If not, I am probably screwed.



Please, oh please, talk to your doctor about all of this. I've already switched meds several times in the last two years...without meds I get suicidal thoughts. Not being on them is NOT an option for me...I cannot imagine trying to live life through that kind of hell. Never again. Whenever what I'm currently on fails, I'll get the dosage adjusted or try something different again, as frustrating as that is. For me to not be medicated will lead to certain premature death.
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Old 02-08-2011, 05:03 AM
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When I stopped using and drinking I sunk into a depressive spiral. When I was using I was rarely depressed, or at least I didn't think I was. For the first month of my recovery I was angry, violent (not to others) and extremely depressed. It seems to have levelled out now and I can at least see some clarity in my day to day life and I am thankful for that.
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Old 02-08-2011, 08:53 AM
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Originally Posted by Starryknight
I am wondering if Prozac at 8 years sober contributed, in the end, to relapse at 23 years sober. I felt SO much better on prozac. Nothing bothered me. No need to work the steps (except 10, 11,12 which I slowly did less and less ) I had horrible depression that Prozac lifted for a long time. Guess what? It stopped working. I kept trying to get it to work again. Tried other anti-depressants. Didn't work. Sound familiar. E.g. It stopped working (as-alcohol, etc. Sometimes does).
From Prozac, it was easy to justify trying other prescription meds. Eventually convinced myself I could use lorazepam, then ambient, finally Adderall and finally, back to alcohol.
Did anti-depressants lead me down a garden path to eventual relapse? Possibly, yes.
I have depression but due to my alcoholic and addict condition, At this point I think even sanctioned meds are killers for me. It's a double edge sword.
I'm hoping constant working of the steps can save my life. If not, I am probably screwed.
Originally Posted by Bam
Please, oh please, talk to your doctor about all of this. I've already switched meds several times in the last two years...without meds I get suicidal thoughts. Not being on them is NOT an option for me...I cannot imagine trying to live life through that kind of hell. Never again. Whenever what I'm currently on fails, I'll get the dosage adjusted or try something different again, as frustrating as that is. For me to not be medicated will lead to certain premature death.
I ended up causing some permanent brain damage due to my past addiction. Depression is just one symptom of that damage. When I first entered treatment the doctor wanted me to stay drug free for the first 6 months to see if I could rebound from my addiction with talk therapy and other treatments. The depression just worsened the first couple of months. Eventually I was given SSRI antidepressants after 3 months because I had become critical depressed.

After my initial diagnosis for mental illness I have gone of my meds a couple of times only to relapse and suffer the consequences. Like Bam wrote " Not being on them is NOT an option for me". Its no longer an option for me too. I did what I did in addiction and now I have to remain in treatment or suffer again.
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Old 10-10-2012, 06:32 AM
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This is an old thread, but I also have been depressed long before I started using. I went to my GP about it and she put me on SSRIs, with which I have had horrible experiences, causing me to leave that dr. I have lately had a mind to go back and try again, but the whole "trial and error" methodology honestly scares me. To death, scares me. I have never felt so horrible as I did on the few SSRIs I did try, and I'm petrified to subjugate myself to that again. It's even harder when I feel like I already know what drug "fixes" my problems, my DOC.
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