'All me all the time'

Old 11-05-2010, 03:29 PM
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'All me all the time'

The RABF has been in contact with me a few times from long term rehab. Last week he was down, this week he is riding that pink fluffy cloud over the land of gumdrops and lemonade streams.

I'm glad he is doing better but I don't know how much of this Peter Pan stuff I can stand without puking! I know it is part of the process, feeling elated that he is finally NOT feeling like crap all the time. I am glad for that but he was also very self absorbed. I think I told him about a tough situation I had earlier in the week and his response was sort of like "oh glad you are feeling better.. I'm doing better too.. and me me me me me me."

At what point will he be less 'selfish' sounding? I know he has to focus on himself. That IS recovery. But I feel a bit invisible in this process. I know he appreciates me but being taken for granted is something that I am very sensitive to. Esp after really being his rock. Well this rock also has needs.

Here is a guy who clearly can't meet them right now and I know that but when does that selfish portion of addiction/recovery start to soften a bit?
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Old 11-05-2010, 05:02 PM
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Early recovery is all about him right now. It's what they tell them in rehab too. He's got to be even stronger when he comes out of rehab to resist all temptations. I know you're over it. Maybe you can detach a bit longer till he finds middle ground and balance. He's right where he's supposed to be in his recovery and you would not want it any other way. I hear this frequently in my aftercare... family expects instant change from the addict after a long time of being insane and crazy, and if a miracle happens and instant change happens it upsets the family dynamics. If you are the codependent person in the relationship, he's not needing you in the same way hits your vulnerable buttons and causes this tension.
All I can say is try to relax if you can with him.
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Old 11-05-2010, 06:57 PM
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I remember him going through recovery before and there were such personality shifts. This weeks personality was different than last weeks. I know it will take time for him to sort it out. He hasn't stayed sober long enough to remember who the 'real' him is. So I never know who to expect. I am glad for him, he is where he needs to be.

Thanks for the advice. I do need to relax. He even said that when he was in recovery before. I found all his 'adjusting' rather stressful at times. He would explain that it was him being careful and taking care of himself. He would sometimes step back from the relationship but again, explained why. It is going to take time and I do need to be patient and not expect that in an instant he is going to be 'all better'.

It is more that his reality is sinking in. I had this fantasy which I thought I had dealt with but I guess I didn't. He is a sick man with a huge issue to work on. I only wish he was stronger but that only comes with time and lots of hard work. I'm very hopeful. I am always supportive but I guess what you say about wanting to be needed emotionally is partly true. He came to really need me before he checked in (not in a 'give me money and things' way) but an emotional type of neediness. Maybe I mistook it for closeness or emotional intimacy? I don't know. That is where I get confused.
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Old 12-05-2010, 07:31 AM
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Have you checked out Al-Anon? Al-Anon is for primarily for friends and family members of Alcoholics and Addicts, or are you in AA? If in AA are you familiar with the traditions? The traditions are great at dealing with relationships in recovery if I practice them in my life.

I have always been taught that I should focus on myself rather than another. If he is new to recovery and working with a sponsor and working the steps then it is natural he will be undergoing dramatic changes initially.
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Old 12-07-2010, 11:10 AM
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it is pretty common in early recovery, it may seem as your being "left on the shelf" its good you understand he has to work on himself, but there is time for "others" to be considered by him, sit him down and reinforce how pleased you are the way he is moving forward, but express that "you have needs" as well and both need to support each other, plus part of his growth will be transforming from being "inconsiderate" to consideration of others, ie his close ones, hope that helps a little
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Old 12-17-2010, 06:43 PM
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Been a while since I wrote this and Yes yes this does help He has slowly been doing better at trying to address my needs. He has been there a couple of months and I am starting to see the benefits in his demeanor and focus, more settled and less kooky. The fog is really clearing up.

He is struggling with depression but is also being proactive with that. I am very hopeful.

Still very early I know but the fact that he is making a better effort reassured me.
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Old 12-18-2010, 05:26 PM
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Originally Posted by Babyblue View Post
Still very early I know but the fact that he is making a better effort reassured me.

Is he in AA.. If so just remember that is will definitelly take a lot of time for the most part and that it is a very selfish program. But if he works the program right, he will use his selfishness from the past when he was drinking to work on himself which throught he program leads to "selflessness".

It is great that you are understanding and supportive to him he really needs it, and it is great that you are trying to help him out with all of this. Just let him take his time and don't rush him.

Thanks for posting!
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