20 days off DXM... again.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
20 days off DXM... again.
It is not my first time hitting 20 days (actually, I have passed 30 days 3 times, but never got 60 days), I have relapsed over a dozen times in the past 6 months.
My last stretch of sobriety was 52 days, I was doing so well! But then I stopped taking my meds, and about 2 days later I started off by taking 200 mg of Benadryl and 1200mg of Neurontin. I didn't expect to get high (not sure what I expected) but I kind of did.
And I thought "Dammit! I messed this up!" So felling sorry for myself I ran and picked up my DoC and a few other things that would get me high. Took that.
When my husband got home I told him I had relapsed. He wasn't angry, but he wasn't too happy about it either. He said I needed to go to treatment. I said I can't find one that takes my insurance (looking for a 90 day facility) anywhere near us.
The next day he left just like normal, but this time I got me some CCC's (DXM mixed with other stuff that's even worse for you) and took a whole box (16 30mg pills = 480mg) which was not the most I'd ever taken at a time, but it's more than I usually take. Plus I washed it down with a martini.
This messed me up pretty bad, so I called 911 and they took me to the hospital, where I had my stomach pumped for the third time. That activated charcoal or whatever is nasty stuff!
I was in the ER on a heart monitor with a catheter in for several hours. I was still high when I was discharged (DXM high lasts up to 12 hours). I was taken from the hospital to a psychiatric hospital. Not my first time in one of those, either.
The first few days I had tons of nightmares and couldn't stay awake longer than it took me to eat a meal. As the days progressed I got better, and was let home at 11 days.
Now I am at 20 days clean, which is 20 miracles in itself, and I am trying to be more conscious of my pill-popping habits. But really, I have no idea what else I can do to succeed this time other than "Don't pick up, no matter what!" That seems to be what I need to say to myself right now, because I am obviously looking for ways to justify my use, or I would have stopped after the Benadryl and Neurontin (going to bring those to the pharmacy later, so they can dispose of them properly. There are about 6 months worth of needles as well, not sure if I can turn those in to the Pharmacy).
Anyway, I am just checking in with the SR crowd, good to "see" you all!
My last stretch of sobriety was 52 days, I was doing so well! But then I stopped taking my meds, and about 2 days later I started off by taking 200 mg of Benadryl and 1200mg of Neurontin. I didn't expect to get high (not sure what I expected) but I kind of did.
And I thought "Dammit! I messed this up!" So felling sorry for myself I ran and picked up my DoC and a few other things that would get me high. Took that.
When my husband got home I told him I had relapsed. He wasn't angry, but he wasn't too happy about it either. He said I needed to go to treatment. I said I can't find one that takes my insurance (looking for a 90 day facility) anywhere near us.
The next day he left just like normal, but this time I got me some CCC's (DXM mixed with other stuff that's even worse for you) and took a whole box (16 30mg pills = 480mg) which was not the most I'd ever taken at a time, but it's more than I usually take. Plus I washed it down with a martini.
This messed me up pretty bad, so I called 911 and they took me to the hospital, where I had my stomach pumped for the third time. That activated charcoal or whatever is nasty stuff!
I was in the ER on a heart monitor with a catheter in for several hours. I was still high when I was discharged (DXM high lasts up to 12 hours). I was taken from the hospital to a psychiatric hospital. Not my first time in one of those, either.
The first few days I had tons of nightmares and couldn't stay awake longer than it took me to eat a meal. As the days progressed I got better, and was let home at 11 days.
Now I am at 20 days clean, which is 20 miracles in itself, and I am trying to be more conscious of my pill-popping habits. But really, I have no idea what else I can do to succeed this time other than "Don't pick up, no matter what!" That seems to be what I need to say to myself right now, because I am obviously looking for ways to justify my use, or I would have stopped after the Benadryl and Neurontin (going to bring those to the pharmacy later, so they can dispose of them properly. There are about 6 months worth of needles as well, not sure if I can turn those in to the Pharmacy).
Anyway, I am just checking in with the SR crowd, good to "see" you all!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 53
Wings,
I'm sorry to hear about your relapse, but I'm glad you are back on track in your recovery. For some reason, DXM became my DoC as well. People think it's funny that I always tend to fall back on over the counter cough medicines to get high when I've tried (and have access) so many other drugs. So I often feel like people don't really take this particular addiction seriously (especially when you are a 31 year old with what appears to the outside world as a really stable life).
One of the best things I think you did was to tell your husband right away. In my last relapse, I had been clean of DXM for over three years. When I drank my first bottle a couple of months ago, I didn't tell my wife. I told myself I would only use on a controllable level. But I ended up using more and more until I recently realized that I was drinking a bottle of cough medicine almost every day before I went into work.
I don't know what your DXM abuse history has been like, but I know mine has been one of secrecy. I was always too ashamed to admit how dependent I was on this thing that only dumb teens were supposedly doing. I lied to my wife and friends. I even did a pretty good job lying to myself about how dependent I was on DXM. This has been going on for 13 years for me. Being alone with this addiction (and probably every addition) really sucks.
I'm sorry to hear about your relapse, but I'm glad you are back on track in your recovery. For some reason, DXM became my DoC as well. People think it's funny that I always tend to fall back on over the counter cough medicines to get high when I've tried (and have access) so many other drugs. So I often feel like people don't really take this particular addiction seriously (especially when you are a 31 year old with what appears to the outside world as a really stable life).
One of the best things I think you did was to tell your husband right away. In my last relapse, I had been clean of DXM for over three years. When I drank my first bottle a couple of months ago, I didn't tell my wife. I told myself I would only use on a controllable level. But I ended up using more and more until I recently realized that I was drinking a bottle of cough medicine almost every day before I went into work.
I don't know what your DXM abuse history has been like, but I know mine has been one of secrecy. I was always too ashamed to admit how dependent I was on this thing that only dumb teens were supposedly doing. I lied to my wife and friends. I even did a pretty good job lying to myself about how dependent I was on DXM. This has been going on for 13 years for me. Being alone with this addiction (and probably every addition) really sucks.
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
I've "Robo-tripped" too.
Anything to get me OUT of me, yanno?
Getting physically separated from the drug (or alcohol) was a start but I need something to keep my life in order so that I don't NEED to go back to that crap.......ever again.
I'm not knocking treatment or rehab....they serve a valuable role and purpose - mainly to get us physically detoxed in a safe environment. Without a design or a plan for living the rest of my life - well - I know me, I'll find a reason to make going back again.....one more time......make sense. Treatment/rehab isn't going to be following me around for the rest of my life to keep me in line. I need a walkin' around plan.....
Thankfully that's exactly what I found in a 12Step program.
I'd HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHLY recommend you both consider it. Take a chance and give it a shot. If you don't like it you don't have to stay. That said though, give it a legit shot, ya know? Give it a really sincere try. (......if you're not already.
)
Anything to get me OUT of me, yanno?
Getting physically separated from the drug (or alcohol) was a start but I need something to keep my life in order so that I don't NEED to go back to that crap.......ever again.
I'm not knocking treatment or rehab....they serve a valuable role and purpose - mainly to get us physically detoxed in a safe environment. Without a design or a plan for living the rest of my life - well - I know me, I'll find a reason to make going back again.....one more time......make sense. Treatment/rehab isn't going to be following me around for the rest of my life to keep me in line. I need a walkin' around plan.....
Thankfully that's exactly what I found in a 12Step program.
I'd HIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIGHLY recommend you both consider it. Take a chance and give it a shot. If you don't like it you don't have to stay. That said though, give it a legit shot, ya know? Give it a really sincere try. (......if you're not already.
)
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
I am already in a 12 step program. Have been for 7 months. I have been taking suggestions, sticking with the winners, sharing at meetings, attempting 90 in 90, praying, meditating, working the steps with my sponsor, and doing service work.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
I need to find a new sponsor now. The one I've had since I came to NA says she can't help me anymore. I really am trying! I am doing everything suggested to me by people with more time than me. In AA they talk about people who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Sometimes I think I'm one of those... telling myself I need to take more of this because they won't give me that, taking pills I won't get high on just for the sake of popping pills, entertaining thoughts of using (as long as I don't tell anybody it's just a thought!) then pass up the opportunity to gain support, and relapse. Stuff like that...
Member
Join Date: Oct 2010
Posts: 53
have you made a list of your triggers? I'm still working on mine, but I feel like it's already helped me a lot with understanding why I use drugs. And it helps me prepare for when I get cravings. I also see my psychiatrist on a weekly basis. I think working out my personal issues has been a big help as well. I'm trying to understand why I have a problem with addiction. I think it's the best way for me to actually beat it... that and finding a strong support group.
Also, don't feel bad if your sponsor doesn't think they can help you. It's an opportunity for you to find a sponsor who can.
Also, don't feel bad if your sponsor doesn't think they can help you. It's an opportunity for you to find a sponsor who can.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
I am not sure what my triggers are, there doesn't seem to be a constant person, place, or thing that triggers me, it usually starts by me romanticizing other drugs that I have never tried, but I don't know where to find them, so I use my DoC instead.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northern Michigan, Michigan
Posts: 3
Originally Posted by Onewithwings 
I need to find a new sponsor now. The one I've had since I came to NA says she can't help me anymore. I really am trying! I am doing everything suggested to me by people with more time than me. In AA they talk about people who are constitutionally incapable of being honest with themselves. Sometimes I think I'm one of those... telling myself I need to take more of this because they won't give me that, taking pills I won't get high on just for the sake of popping pills, entertaining thoughts of using (as long as I don't tell anybody it's just a thought!) then pass up the opportunity to gain support, and relapse. Stuff like that...
I am only on my fourth day clean from DXM addiction. I've been taking it daily for almost 2 years now. I take at least 15 geltabs a day, the most was 30. I had to go to the ER a couple times for serotonin syndrome due to the DXM and my antidepressants. Before my DXM discovery, I was hooked on Ultram and that stopped after I had a gran mal seizure because of it. Scared me clean until I found the DXM. I wish I never knew about the feeling of DXM ... it was just the numbing I was seeking but still kept me functional for the most part.
I have 17 years sober from Alcohol this November. Clearly I am an addict of anything mind or mood altering. My brain chemistry craves it due to the effect it has on dopamine. I was starting to believe I am also one of those AA/NA attenders that is constitutionally incapable of being honest with myself, but nothing could be more wrong! You are obviously quite honest with yourself and quite self-aware... addiction recovery isn't about honesty ... it's about sobriety.
Don't give in to the negative thoughts ... those are just chemical withdrawal talking and will pass the further you get in your sobriety! Your brain chemicals will balance and you will feel GOOD again without DXM or any other mood altering substance of abuse.Any time a craving or thought of defeat comes, remind yourself how much you WANT TO BE FREE and how those chemical thoughts WILL PASS!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northern Michigan, Michigan
Posts: 3
There's a wonderful book which I recommend if you want to understand your brain chemistry, why you are an addict, and how to get out from under this ... it's by Gabor Mate (mate ... the e on the end has an accent over it ... french) called "The Hungry Ghost". It's teaching me so much about how my childhood, etc. created the brain I have. It also has such insight as to how to get help, what works, etc. It's not preachy since the author also has had some addiction issues.
I agree with a poster here that said it's important to work on the issues that make us want to dissociate. I'm just beginning to see what those are and working with a counselor to get through them. I also go to AA regularly and have a sponsor that I really respect and click with. If you don't like your sponsor, wait till you find someone who really speaks to your heart! Hang in there ... each day is a huge success and brings us one day closer to permanent freedom from this DXM nightmare.
I agree with a poster here that said it's important to work on the issues that make us want to dissociate. I'm just beginning to see what those are and working with a counselor to get through them. I also go to AA regularly and have a sponsor that I really respect and click with. If you don't like your sponsor, wait till you find someone who really speaks to your heart! Hang in there ... each day is a huge success and brings us one day closer to permanent freedom from this DXM nightmare.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2010
Location: Northern Michigan, Michigan
Posts: 3
Some triggers I've identified for myself:
Grief
boredom
feeling abandoned or betrayed
feeling left out
feeling lazy
judging myself
believing my negative thoughts about myself
uncomfortable emotions
not checking to see if what I tell myself is really the Truth, like when I get the thought "I want to" after a craving and just leave it at that, which usually means relapse. In fact, I don't really want to .... it's just the chemical talking, not ME. I have to really watch what I think and make sure it's something I really believe.
I am only 4 days clean. I've never made it past the first day. I'm hopeful things are changing and that I'm going to make it this time! I'm very grateful for finding this board and you wonderful souls. Thank you for being here ♥
Grief
boredom
feeling abandoned or betrayed
feeling left out
feeling lazy
judging myself
believing my negative thoughts about myself
uncomfortable emotions
not checking to see if what I tell myself is really the Truth, like when I get the thought "I want to" after a craving and just leave it at that, which usually means relapse. In fact, I don't really want to .... it's just the chemical talking, not ME. I have to really watch what I think and make sure it's something I really believe.
I am only 4 days clean. I've never made it past the first day. I'm hopeful things are changing and that I'm going to make it this time! I'm very grateful for finding this board and you wonderful souls. Thank you for being here ♥
12-Step Recovered Alkie
Join Date: May 2010
Location: West Bloomfield, MI
Posts: 5,797
Originally Posted by Onewithwings
I am not sure what my triggers are, there doesn't seem to be a constant person, place, or thing that triggers me, ......
Heard a speaker one time say that he thinks there's only ONE trigger out there for a real alcoholic or a real drug addict and it's one word - sobriety. When I'm sober, I'm triggered to get loaded. The more I thought about it, the more I identified with that statement.
Good luck in finding a sponsor... make sure you're asking your HP for one each AM and each PM.....and be sure to actually do the looking (
). I've no doubt that right person WILL show up right when and where they're supposed to.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
Okay, well, I had a definite trigger today: Ignorance.
Not just "oh, I didn't know!" Ignorance, but blatant, unhindered, let the stupid hang out, make me want to stab you in the face IGNORANCE.
Needless to say, I will not be talking to this person anymore. He is not worth costing me my sobriety.
Not just "oh, I didn't know!" Ignorance, but blatant, unhindered, let the stupid hang out, make me want to stab you in the face IGNORANCE.
Needless to say, I will not be talking to this person anymore. He is not worth costing me my sobriety.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
Still here, still clean, not counting days, but I will have 2 months on the 25th. It is also Thanksgiving and also my (deceased) daughter's birthday, so I will need a meeting very bad that day (the meeting I go to on Thursdays is still going, so I will probably be one of the few people there.)
I have not felt the urge to use very much. Some things trigger me, but it fades quickly, and I don't let it get to me. There will always be things that trigger memories of my use, but I don't have to let them trigger me into using.
I have not felt the urge to use very much. Some things trigger me, but it fades quickly, and I don't let it get to me. There will always be things that trigger memories of my use, but I don't have to let them trigger me into using.
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Actually the rooms can be packed full on the holidays: I call the holidays at this time of year the triathalon. First Thanksgiving, then Christmas, then New Years. They are often drinking events for "normies" and can be full of triggers and challenges for anyone in recovery!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
64 days today and still going strong! 
The longer I stay clean, the more I see it was not about my drug at all, it's the behavior I was engaging in that led me to take the drug, and the thoughts and feelings underneath that. Even deeper, addiction at its core is a spiritual disease, not a moral deficiency. It doesn't matter to me anymore what drugs I did or what drugs others did, recovery is about sharing experience, strength, and hope, with other addicts. We do recover!
The longer I stay clean, the more I see it was not about my drug at all, it's the behavior I was engaging in that led me to take the drug, and the thoughts and feelings underneath that. Even deeper, addiction at its core is a spiritual disease, not a moral deficiency. It doesn't matter to me anymore what drugs I did or what drugs others did, recovery is about sharing experience, strength, and hope, with other addicts. We do recover!
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