Is this normal in recovery?
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
Is this normal in recovery?
I have a lovely house and a wonderful husband and son. And yet, I have fantasies of just running off and abandoning them, getting a cheap apartment in the city, and doing drugs till I die naked in my closet or something. Is this a normal thought? I have gotten so into it that I have actually started looking for apartments! I really don't want to, though. I have it really good here. But I always feel like something is missing.
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Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Sure... eF it all, run away, on a big harley, middle finger high in the air to everything I leave behind...
Those thoughts tell me that I need to get real in my program.
Actually looking for an apt. huh? What is missing? Do you have a program of recovery?
Those thoughts tell me that I need to get real in my program.
Actually looking for an apt. huh? What is missing? Do you have a program of recovery?
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: England
Posts: 137
Hmm you could be me. Yes I am ready to throw it all in and make a go of it on my own. I am at the looking for apartment stage as well.
I think that when we are drunk we dont notice what is wrong with our life, but sober we can see that all is not quite as it should be.
Another aspect of it for me is that drunk I didnt need to make decisions and was not bothered that my husband was making them all for me, he is so used to telling me what to do, how to do it, what to say and when to say it that now he cannot stop. Since being sober I find my husband stifling, and needy to a certain extent. He is a very controlling person by nature which does not help.
I think what we are feeling is an enormous cry for independance, to take control of our own lives totally.
In my case I dont picture myself dying drunk in the bath/closet, I picture myself living peacefully and doing what I want to do and not what someone else thinks I should be doing, very selfish, but those feelings are real.
I dont have any kids at home so there is only me to think about, but you have a son and a wonderful husband, so I think in your case a lot of thought, counselling, and talking to your husband about how you feel would be better than fantasing about leaving hun, I think you have rather too much to throw away, but I do understand why you are feeling like this.
Hug
Suzie xx
I think that when we are drunk we dont notice what is wrong with our life, but sober we can see that all is not quite as it should be.
Another aspect of it for me is that drunk I didnt need to make decisions and was not bothered that my husband was making them all for me, he is so used to telling me what to do, how to do it, what to say and when to say it that now he cannot stop. Since being sober I find my husband stifling, and needy to a certain extent. He is a very controlling person by nature which does not help.
I think what we are feeling is an enormous cry for independance, to take control of our own lives totally.
In my case I dont picture myself dying drunk in the bath/closet, I picture myself living peacefully and doing what I want to do and not what someone else thinks I should be doing, very selfish, but those feelings are real.
I dont have any kids at home so there is only me to think about, but you have a son and a wonderful husband, so I think in your case a lot of thought, counselling, and talking to your husband about how you feel would be better than fantasing about leaving hun, I think you have rather too much to throw away, but I do understand why you are feeling like this.
Hug
Suzie xx
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
Originally Posted by Mark75 
Do you have a program of recovery?
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Join Date: Jun 2009
Location: South Dakota, USA
Posts: 1,429
Originally Posted by Onewithwings
I have fantasies of just running off and abandoning them, getting a cheap apartment in the city, and doing drugs till I die naked in my closet or something. Is this a normal thought?
Member
Join Date: Oct 2008
Posts: 6,947
Step work is takes a lot... It wasn't necessarily hard, but it was exhausting at times... changing my perspective, getting all rigorously honest... still can be at times. My own experience with your question is that I sometimes feel like I am at a fork in a road, but it's my choice, I decide... proceed to a place where I take my choice and will back ... oblivion... or life... with His help... 3rd step...
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Here's what's missing in the above scenerio, all the misery that you'd have to endure before you eventually died in that closet. All those cold sweats, being drug sick and going out to cop, maybe doing a few tricks to pay for the drugs you need, stealing a few items when you visit your mom to pay for another high. I'd call all that a nightmare instead of a fantasy.
But you know, it's that the drug wants you back and that's why your mind is playing these games with you. Right now, with each day that you don't use, you're winning and the drug doesn't like that at all, it wants to kill you, kick dirt in your face and move on to the next.
It's great that you posted here instead of chasing this nightmare. That's a good sign, you want to recover, but still are struggling. That's ok. Going to a meeting and telling others what you've written here may really help you and someone else.
But you know, it's that the drug wants you back and that's why your mind is playing these games with you. Right now, with each day that you don't use, you're winning and the drug doesn't like that at all, it wants to kill you, kick dirt in your face and move on to the next.
It's great that you posted here instead of chasing this nightmare. That's a good sign, you want to recover, but still are struggling. That's ok. Going to a meeting and telling others what you've written here may really help you and someone else.
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Posts: 395
Yes, it is normal to have those insane thoughts in recovery, especially in early recovery.
The 2nd Step talks about about being restored to sanity. Sanity means "healthy condition" or "soundness of mind". It means not having thoughts like you just described.
Being restored to sanity is typically a process and not an event. It takes time and effort on your part. You may not have control over the thoughts that pop into your head, but you have control over whether you entertain or dismiss those thoughts.
Try to replace those thoughts with positive, healthier ones. There are plenty of web resources that offer advice on overcoming negative thinking. Just do a google search. But reject those negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. And realize that it is ok and normal to have those insane thoughts pop into you head as you recover, but then it is your decision on how you handle them. Do you entertain and feed them or do you try to dismiss them and focus and healthier thinking?
The 2nd Step talks about about being restored to sanity. Sanity means "healthy condition" or "soundness of mind". It means not having thoughts like you just described.
Being restored to sanity is typically a process and not an event. It takes time and effort on your part. You may not have control over the thoughts that pop into your head, but you have control over whether you entertain or dismiss those thoughts.
Try to replace those thoughts with positive, healthier ones. There are plenty of web resources that offer advice on overcoming negative thinking. Just do a google search. But reject those negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. And realize that it is ok and normal to have those insane thoughts pop into you head as you recover, but then it is your decision on how you handle them. Do you entertain and feed them or do you try to dismiss them and focus and healthier thinking?
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: Lowell
Posts: 345
Originally Posted by Antiderivative
Yes, it is normal to have those insane thoughts in recovery, especially in early recovery.
The 2nd Step talks about about being restored to sanity. Sanity means "healthy condition" or "soundness of mind". It means not having thoughts like you just described.
Being restored to sanity is typically a process and not an event. It takes time and effort on your part. You may not have control over the thoughts that pop into your head, but you have control over whether you entertain or dismiss those thoughts.
Try to replace those thoughts with positive, healthier ones. There are plenty of web resources that offer advice on overcoming negative thinking. Just do a google search. But reject those negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. And realize that it is ok and normal to have those insane thoughts pop into you head as you recover, but then it is your decision on how you handle them. Do you entertain and feed them or do you try to dismiss them and focus and healthier thinking?
The 2nd Step talks about about being restored to sanity. Sanity means "healthy condition" or "soundness of mind". It means not having thoughts like you just described.
Being restored to sanity is typically a process and not an event. It takes time and effort on your part. You may not have control over the thoughts that pop into your head, but you have control over whether you entertain or dismiss those thoughts.
Try to replace those thoughts with positive, healthier ones. There are plenty of web resources that offer advice on overcoming negative thinking. Just do a google search. But reject those negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. And realize that it is ok and normal to have those insane thoughts pop into you head as you recover, but then it is your decision on how you handle them. Do you entertain and feed them or do you try to dismiss them and focus and healthier thinking?
You say you are presently on Step 3 with a sponsor. Have you mentioned this dream of yours to your sponsor?
I can only say, that if I was your sponsor, I would send you back to Step 2.
That's just my opinion.
Harry
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Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas
Posts: 63
Originally Posted by Onewithwings
I have a lovely house and a wonderful husband and son. And yet, I have fantasies of just running off and abandoning them, getting a cheap apartment in the city, and doing drugs till I die naked in my closet or something. Is this a normal thought? I have gotten so into it that I have actually started looking for apartments! I really don't want to, though. I have it really good here. But I always feel like something is missing.
Laozi Old Man
Join Date: May 2008
Location: Detroit, MI
Posts: 6,665
Originally Posted by Onewithwings
... I have fantasies of just running off and abandoning them, getting a cheap apartment in the city, and doing drugs till I die naked in my closet or something. Is this a normal thought?
Before my wife left me, I would barricade myself in the bedroom with a big bottle of vodka - so I would not have to listen to my wife pleading with me to stop. I even learned to take lots of tonic water and a bucket to pee in, so I would not have to come out to use the bathroom.
Looking back at that experience, all I wanted was to be alone with my bottle. Is it any wonder why addiction is often called an "obsession"?
I got nothin'
Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: My house.
Posts: 4,890
Oh, I think it's pretty normal. I still have thoughts like that. I realize that those thoughts are triggered by a desire to escape.
Only you know if you're happy with your current living situation. I won't suggest you go doping, though.
It seems like you like your family and whatnot. Maybe talk to a counselor?
Only you know if you're happy with your current living situation. I won't suggest you go doping, though.
It seems like you like your family and whatnot. Maybe talk to a counselor?
Member
Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Step three was a huge experience for me and I hope you experience the wonderful insight I gained while working this step.
I learned that I have been running all my life. That my reaction to almost everything was to flee. I ran away from home as a teen. I broke up with every boyfriend I had. I quit jobs and moved countless times, fleeing the things I feared. My life history for 30 years was: RUN!!!
Nope, not a normal thought. Maybe you are a runner too. You could bring this up with your sponsor while working this step. I think that step three was so important for me because I learned about myself for the first time in my life. I could finally say who I am.
I am learning to use tools now to not run away.
I learned that I have been running all my life. That my reaction to almost everything was to flee. I ran away from home as a teen. I broke up with every boyfriend I had. I quit jobs and moved countless times, fleeing the things I feared. My life history for 30 years was: RUN!!!
Nope, not a normal thought. Maybe you are a runner too. You could bring this up with your sponsor while working this step. I think that step three was so important for me because I learned about myself for the first time in my life. I could finally say who I am.
I am learning to use tools now to not run away.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2010
Location: Kansas
Posts: 63
Thanks Littlefish for that insight, I have a major problem with dealing with problems and running away from them too. I always ended up drunk no matter what the deal was big or small. I always turn it into a big drunk. Thank you
i've done my almost
Join Date: Aug 2009
Location: Atlanta, GA
Posts: 1,934
For us alkies or addicts, yes, that is a very normal feeling.
In our AA home group, we call that a case of the "f$#@ its".
I remember when I was trying to get sober, but in the back of my mind, I knew the end was in site, I remember having fantasies of winning the lottery, moving to Vegas, and starting a new life where I could drink and do drugs again. What insanity! Basically, what I was saying to myself is that if I had enough money, I wouldn't try to quit. I was putting a stipulation(sp?) on my sobriety and well, even though it was a fantasy, it got in the way of getting sober.
We have to SQUASH any idea that we can drink, EVER AGAIN. SQUASH, SMASH, do whatever it takes to get that idea out of your mind b/c it's just simply not true. It's your disease and stink'n think'n and nothing else.
In our AA home group, we call that a case of the "f$#@ its".
I remember when I was trying to get sober, but in the back of my mind, I knew the end was in site, I remember having fantasies of winning the lottery, moving to Vegas, and starting a new life where I could drink and do drugs again. What insanity! Basically, what I was saying to myself is that if I had enough money, I wouldn't try to quit. I was putting a stipulation(sp?) on my sobriety and well, even though it was a fantasy, it got in the way of getting sober.
We have to SQUASH any idea that we can drink, EVER AGAIN. SQUASH, SMASH, do whatever it takes to get that idea out of your mind b/c it's just simply not true. It's your disease and stink'n think'n and nothing else.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Location: New England
Posts: 5,285
Ummm...I'm going to be the lone dissenting opinion here. This was not normal for me once I got sober, although I had similar thoughts when I was drinking. You are essentially saying that your thoughts are suicidal...I think you should be talking to a professional therapist.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. You have too much to live for. Hugs.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. You have too much to live for. Hugs.
Administrator
Join Date: Apr 2007
Location: Australia
Posts: 211,380
I dunno about anyone else but I didn't stop drinking one day and then never want to escape or run away again ever.
It just doesn't work like that in my experience.
That's where the real work is.
From reading your other more recent posts, I'm glad you're doing better now Onewithwings
D
It just doesn't work like that in my experience.
That's where the real work is.
From reading your other more recent posts, I'm glad you're doing better now Onewithwings
D
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Join Date: May 2007
Location: Sweden
Posts: 1,649
Ummm...I'm going to be the lone dissenting opinion here. This was not normal for me once I got sober, although I had similar thoughts when I was drinking. You are essentially saying that your thoughts are suicidal...I think you should be talking to a professional therapist.
Suicidal thoughts should be taken very seriously.
And Dee, it's true, I still have the impulses to flee from situations. It didn't go away when I quit drinking. It was just a very important part of my recovery to identify that kind of behavior that I had been blind to for so long...
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Join Date: Apr 2010
Location: Tucson, AZ
Posts: 650
Thanks for the feedback, everyone. I am feeling much better about this in my heart. I am back at 26 days again, thanks to acting on impulse, taking some OTC and prescription drugs (not anything that would normally get you high either, I just took what I had). My skin started to get blotchy and orange, until it evened out and looked like I had a nice tan for about a week! I saw a lot of color radiating from everything, that was about the extent of my "high". But then I started thinking I had screwed up anyway and didn't even get a decent high. So I picked up a few of my DoC's as I drove home, and took them. The next day I overdosed. I spent 11 days in a psych ward, and was finally released. No real urges to get high or do anything stupid this time around.
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