gardner

I never worked an AA program. I am thinking that I would like to start but I am apprehensive. A couple of reasons. The first is, I don't think that my partner would be supportive and I don't want it to drive a rift between us. He is a recovering alcoholic as well but he doesn't like AA and thinks it is a cult. He uses religion but I am not the same religion as he is. The other reasons are actually a couple of reasons. I attended one AA meeting in this state and I didn't like it. I am from elsewhere and where I currently live is the state that AA was founded in and the way they conduct meetings is different than what I was accustomed to. More formal and more Christian based. They recite the Lord's prayer and I feel that is kind of exclusive. I don't know...maybe that is just me making up excuses. Another reason is I am scared. I am scared that if I get a sponsor and start working the program, well, what if I don't like it and quit. I am scared of failing. All I know is that my sobriety does not feel complete, if that makes any sense.

With the issue with my partner, I fear I won't be able to give it my all. I do fear that I might get really involved in it and that it won't be something that we share. I feel it could drive a wedge between us.

Any feedback would be greatly appreciated.

SomeoneSomwhere

Hmm...

Well I think anything is better than drinking (Even if it means fighting with your partner or the other things you mentioned) and drinking is going to feel a lot worse than those things would so you're better off getting the help you need instead of risking drinking...though I am a little confused by your post. Are you saying that you feel if you don't do this you can't stay sober or do you think that you could stay sober without it?

I've been to a few different AA meetings (different kinds & different places) and my experiences at them have been different so some are certainly more helpful than others...you just have to find what works for you. I think having a sponsor/good meeting to turn to when you feel the need is good.

Also AA and staying sober is about YOU not him. You can't let other peoples feelings get in the way of your own recovery. Your partner needs to understand that and if he loves you he will look past his feelings and realize this may be what's best for you. Though I do know it's hard to do things when the people in your life don't agree with them

gardner

Thanks for the reply...

No, it isn't that I feel at risk of drinking. I guess the feeling is what people in AA call a "dry drunk." I feel like I am sober, yes, but I am not moving forward as I should be. It is kind of hard to explain. I wish I could explain it better. For all I know, there is no need to work a program if you don't feel at risk of drinking and I have made it this far. It just feels like something is missing. I have wanted to have a sponsor all throughout my quitting time. Even though I have 2+ years sober, there were years before that where I was trying to quit but could never get more than a few months at a time. I have never had the courage to work the program, I guess. I think there are still things that I don't want to face.

gardner

I haven't even paid much attention to my alcoholism in the last year or so. I joined this site in 2008, posted a few times and then never came back until just recently. Something is drawing me back into re-examining my alcoholism.

Mark75

Me experience is that my wife is not alcoholic and my involvement in AA did cause fear (in both of us) that this would become something I would be very involved in that she would have no part of. She is not at all interested in 12 step programs and is a card carrying member of AlaNOT. It has not been all smooth sailing... but recovery tends to be better for relationships than untreated and/or active alcoholism ... I am optimistic and do not project negative or worrisome energy into the future... One day at a time, right? We are finding our way and have become much more comfortable in our new routines.

As far as the religion and or cult issues. Well, see for yourself. Many get scared off with that whole religion issue... but it is not religious, it is spiritual... you've heard that before, I bet... find out for yourself is that is true. You can have a wonderful journey of searching for and connecting with a power that's greater than yourself, if you open your heart and mind and are willing.

But you know.... your recovery is yours, his is his... I cannot imagine myself working someone else's program.... We are all on the same broad highway, but my experience in the steps and recovery is uniquely mine.... although I follow the same path as all the others in AA.

Good questions.

Dee74

Hi Gardner

I'm not in AA, but I think if something is drawing you back there, then it's your business and your decision to make not your partner's.

I hope you find what you're looking for

D

LouisC8128

I can relate. I've been a "dry drunk" for almost 8 months. I had attended AA the first couple of months after I'd stopped drinking but it felt so foreign to me. I grew up Catholic and the AA meetings were very Christian focused - lots of religion...every meeting was closed with the Lord's Prayer. I kind of lost my religion over the years and the meetings were uncomfortable. The group that I had belonged to was also quite different than what I was used to. Not that they were bad people or anything but they came from a very different set of backgrounds.

One phrase that sticks out in my head came from my sponsor... He told me that although I was sober I lacked soberity. I thought it was a crock when he said it to me but after these months I'm beginning to think he was right. Something is missing... It's funny, after all these months I still have my sponsor's number in my cell phone. I don't know if I have to find a group where I am more comfortable or if I need to hang here more often...or I need to go back to those meetings. All I know is that doing it by myself is working (for now) but I think it could be a lot better.

LouisC8128

I sound like you except my time frame is a little more condensed. I'm beginning to think what I'm experiencing is not that atypical. Thanks

Toronto68

Gardner,

About the Lord's Prayer...can you ignore it, for one thing? For instance, when I am in a situation where Christians are praying (funeral, before dinner), I am OK with it and don't recite the words. I have even coaxed people to remember to say their grace before and then I don't pray with them. I'm exercising thanks in a different way.

What would happen if you did not say the Lord's Prayer with everyone at these meetings you are talking about? Are all the meetings within reach definitely the same?

When it comes to the "something is missing" feeling, is AA the only thing you want to turn to, is there anything else?

I'm happy to hear about your 2+ years. I am at 6+ months now. I think about what you are describing. I think I am OK with not using AA and the Steps, but maybe I will change and experience what you are.

yeahgr8

I know this is not a strange thing at all...putting AA to the side for a minute...i see a CBT counselor who doesn't advocate using AA and he says there is a huge difference between abstinance and sobriety, i also know there are other people on SR who have successful sobriety and dont use AA who say the same thing...this part is consistent whatever the resource we use...

For me i want the best level of sobriety that i can get but that involves commitment, willingness and action...the good news is that once you begin to see the rewards of your efforts you will keep going as they far outweigh where you have been:-)

It helped me in sobriety to look at things that bothered me, e.g. the lords prayer...i found emmet fox the sermon on the mount to be most helpful...i went to a religious private school and had to say the lords prayer for that time every Sunday...funny how what i thought it meant isn't at all what it actually means?!

Side note as you say dry drunk is coined by AA...the pc up to date term that counsellors use is abstinance vs recovery...means the same thing just isn't seen to be a label...so my counselor says;-)

crisco

The Lord's Prayer is used because the group came of the Oxford Group which is Christian movement of 1930. It does not mean that AA is Christian. In reality, most people dismiss the church in the rooms where I attend.

In AA where I live, it is more about "do it yourself" spirituality and less about any formal religion. The Lord's Prayer is recited as an AA tradition and not is stated because the group has a "Christian" belief.

Bill Wilson never followed Christianity. In the Big Book, he stated "Despite the living example of my friend there remained in me the vestiges of my old prejudice. The word God still aroused a certain antipathy. When the thought was expressed that there might be a God personal to me this feeling was intensified. I didn't like the idea. I could go for such conceptions as Creative Intelligence, Universal Mind or Spirit of Nature but I resisted the thought of a Czar of the Heavens, however loving His sway might be. I have since talked with scores of men who felt the same way.
My friend suggested what then seemed a novel idea. He said, "Why don't you choose your own conception of God?"
That statement hit me hard. It melted the icy intellectual mountain in whose shadow I had lived and shivered many years. I stood in the sunlight at last.
It was only a matter of being willing to believe in a Power greater than myself. Nothing more was required of me to make my beginning. I saw that growth could start from that point. Upon a foundation of complete willingness I might build what I saw in my friend. Would I have it? Of course I would!
Thus was I convinced that God is concerned with us humans when we want Him enough. At long last I saw, I felt, I believed. Scales of pride and prejudice fell from my eyes. A new world came into view. "

That is not a reference to Jesus in the big book. The main principle in Christianity is that we need Jesus Christ to help us with fatal condition called sin. According to the Bible, Romans 3:21- 3:25 states " Now we know that what the law says is addressed to those under the law, so that every mouth may be silenced and the whole world stand accountable to God,
since no human being will be justified in his sight by observing the law; for through the law comes consciousness of sin. But now the righteousness of God has been manifested apart from the law, though testified to by the law and the prophets, the righteousness of God through faith in Jesus Christ for all who believe. For there is no distinction; all have sinned and are deprived of the glory of God."

The big book does not talk about the concept of sin and the concept that we have a inherent condition that drives us away from fellowship from God. The Big Books talks about the need to receive a "spiritual awakening" to maintain long-term sobriety. Even an atheist or agnostic who follows a spiritual path for their life can achieve a spiritual awakening and the spiritual awakening does not require a belief in God. It just means that the person learns to cope with life through spiritual principles instead of using alcohol as the main method of coping with life.

If Christianity is true, than everybody has to deal with the sin problem including normal people who do not drink. Since we have insufficient evidence to prove that Christianity is the true faith, you are allowed to any conception of higher power that you want including the infinite universe itself. The trick is that people literally interpret the Big Book sometimes and think that a belief in God is required. That is not true.

Do not let the perception that AA is Christianity rock your boat. AA does not preach a gospel of redemption from sin like Christianity does. It only says that you follow the path outlined in the Big Book, you will be given one day of sobriety at a time. If you do that consistently, you will get many years of grateful sobriety.

I am not an expert in AA and Christianity but I can share my knowledge that I have acquired throughout the year.

Christianity works very well with the 12 step but it does not have to be the path that one becomes sober. All spiritual path works within in 12 step tradition.

gardner

Thanks for all the replies. You guys have given me a lot of information and experience that I didn't have. Cisco--thanks so much for explaining where the use of the lord's prayer came from.

After reading all of your posts a thought came to me. I have never looked at or read the Big Book. That may be the next step before I decide on getting a sponsor and joining AA. Does anyone know if you can work the program on your own without a sponsor?

intention

Hi Gardner,

It would be better to work the program with a sponsor. It is very difficult to see your own problems yourself and that is what you would be doing working it on your own. You may also just find having a sponsor - someone to talk to perhaps on a daily basis, helps you grow in your recovery.

There are lots of AA meetings which don't use the Lords Prayer. If you can't find one, then I would suggest what has been said, just be quiet during it. Let others say what they need to say and you can be alone with your thoughts.


Anyone who has been to AA will know it is not a cult. Its a shame your partner thinks like this, but he does. I would avoid trying to convince him otherwise. Just put your needs in recovery first. When you get yourself a sponsor and have someone to talk through these difficult, personal issues, you will have a better idea of how to handle them.
Well done and good luck.

Mark75

The Big Book is the program of AA. A sponsor is someone who helps you through that program, one who can help you through the 12 steps. It's a simple program but it's not easy. A sponsor is not some kind of life coach. And to answer your question directly, no a sponsor is not mandatory, nor is it specifically mentioned in the Big Book.

But working with others is.... There is a whole chapter on it. AA is a "we" program. One alcoholic helping another. The fellowship of AA enables us to draw strength from, and give back to, other alcoholics. The tradition of sponsorship is a direct outgrowth.

Read the book, find a meeting that is strong in the solution, the program and has a strong spiritual message. Attend as many meetings as you can. The answer to your question will come to you.

Easy does it. I think you may be in for the ride of your life...

Mark

Pagekeeper

Getting a Big Book is a good idea.

Some questions to ponder if you choose:

Why would you want to work the program without a sponsor? Is it so you can hide it from your partner? So your involvement with AA won't make your relationship uncomfortable? So you won't have to make a commitment to your recovery? So you don't have to get completely honest about yourself?

Caring about what others think is called self-seeking. It's self-seeking because I need approval and validation to feel whole and complete. The approval of others is a form of pleasure.

If you practice the 12 steps of AA, with a sponsor to guide you through these steps, you will be happy, joyous, and free. You will have a spiritual awakening and see life very different from how you see it now. You will no longer need the approval of others to feel whole and complete.

Working the program on your own without a sponsor is the blind leading the blind.

I wish you the very best in your recovery.

Toronto68

Gardner, since you want to use precaution, then maybe you should read the Big Book first. On the other hand, you have been talking about an empty feeling of some kind. And maybe "only reading the Big Book" and thinking about guiding yourself without a sponsor is prolonging the static nature of the emptiness?

I'm not sure why you proposed the idea of no sponsor, but maybe you are just not comfortable being with AA people, based on the earlier impressions or maybe you need a lot of time before you change your opinions. It could also be that you don't want to hear unwelcome opinions, just like you are probably not happy with your husband's statements about AA being a cult. Maybe you have a different background from most of the people you have seen at the meetings you did go to and you're not at ease with that yet (just guessing).

My suggestion is to act on what you started. You raised your awareness of the fact that something is missing. For some reason AA means something. If you can get around, try 3 or 4 different meetings in the area and soak in what you hear. Read from the AA book online or get a hard copy, in the meantime. See what you feel about all these things afterward. If you don't like it, then that's your answer for now. (I haven't made this choice yet, but maybe that will change. In the meantime, I've been ready for soberrecovery.com .)

gardner

If I am being honest, I think the answer to all of those questions would be yes. Unfortunately. Mainly the commitment and the honesty. It makes me uncomfortable to think of anyone really knowing the truth about me. I think that deep down I have always felt like a very bad person and it is easier to put my head in the sand and try not to think about all of my drinking years. In my previous long term relationship, I cheated on my boyfriend several times while drunk. I don't want to tell him that and I know there is the step where one has to make amends.

I am very scared of being a part of something that my partner is not a part of. I am afraid of making all these connections that we will not share together. Then we will have even more separate lives. We currently do not share the same religion and I feel like adding AA into it will be like we will live separate lives. A lot of people that I know that are a part of AA are so, so involved in it.

With the issue with the Lord's prayer...it isn't even that I mind saying it. What it is is that philosophically, I find it really contradictory that they would use it in a program that is supposed to be non-denominational. I feel like people would flip out if every meeting was opened with something out of the koran or the like. It bothers me. I would say I identify as more of a Christian than anything else and my whole family is Catholic so it isn't that I have a problem specifically with the Lord's prayer. I simply haven't really understand its use in the context of AA. I guess it really isn't that important. It is probably simply another excuse to avoid confronting all these uncomfortable issues.

I did call to find meetings where it wasn't included but they told me that it is part of every meeting in this area.

Ultimately, I suppose I am not ready for AA. Not courageous enough yet. It is so frustrating because I have this feeling that the program might set me free of the burden of all the alcoholic behavior and truly help me to forgive and love myself. Also so frustrating because I have been in this conundrum for several years now. I have been "sitting on" the idea of getting a sponsor and working the program for at least 5 years. It is almost ridiculous.

gardner

These are really great suggestions. Thanks.

Mark75

Ah, but this is what is so beautiful about the program. Take your head out of the sand, open yourself up and let the light shine in! Dump it, take it away.... You are not a bad person. We are all human beings, fallible and imperfect.... You don't have to carry this guilt around. Come out into the sunlight of the spirit, it's nice and warm.

The step about amends... you make those amends EXCEPT when to do so would hurt others.

You don't have to buy the whole program all at once... the steps are in order for a reason... you are already projecting negative thoughts on step 9 and you haven't done the previous 8!!

Sounds like you might appreciate the program of AA. You don't have do it all the first day, and you don't have to go to 12 meetings a week, be a GSR representative and chair meetings if you don't want to! Go to a meeting, sit down and listen, and learn.

As I mentioned before, AA can fit into your life and leave plenty of room, may actually clear away even more room, in your life, for your partner.



Mark

MrBBB

I also quit drinking without the use of AA..haven't drank in over 3 years. I can relate to the 'something missing' part. I feel that even though I don't drink I haven't really fixed the problems that caused me to drink, which is anxiety and depression. I have started a CBT program so hopefully that will help me to feel more complete in my sobriety.