Recovery Around Family Members~Weird Position
 

I have almost 30 days now. I was chugging along until yesterday when we visited my husband's parents around dinner time; not a good idea. They break out the wine at 5:00 PM every single darn day. I knew the time of day was bad but we had to drop off a gift and well, I should have just waited.
I thought "oh they just got home from the lake house, they won't be having their evening wine yet" but lo and behold, we walk in and I am offered a glass.

This is the normal evening ritual for my husband's family. They may only have one glass but it is the normal thing to do. My husband has a beer once in a bit and does not have this struggle.

I guess what I am asking is: if you have children, who of course, need to interact with the grandparents, how do you just not go over or visit? We have a very close knit family and are together a lot.
For the memorial day holiday our entire family will be up at our lake home and I am considering not going. I feel selfish because my kids don't see their grandparents nearly enough with our work schedule.

Anyway, I was feeling good until yesterday when faced with the evening glass of wine. Now I feel angry, angry that I can't just have a glass or two and let it go like everyone else in the family, angry that my kids would miss out on a great weekend w/ the family at the lake, just plain angry.

But I have not picked up a drink :):a122:

Have you considered telling them that you are no longer drinking? I've always found that honesty is best in these situations.

I agree with Suki. Not only let them know that you are no longer drinking but force the issue by demanding something other than alcohol. Don't even let them attempt to try and persuade you in that direction.

In this day and age it is a persons right to ask for something healthy like bottled water.

To me this highlights our responsibility in the process of recovery, it is down to us to effect the change necessary through professional help or a program of recovery to be able to not be affceted by someone offering us a glass of wine.

Different scenario but i am working abroad and living in Hotel, i eat out most nights and almost every night i get a glass of wine plonked down in front of me and left there with the compliments of the house because of my nationality and where i work...they are just being nice...so i wait until the waiter comes back and say thanks for the wine but i dont drink so can i please have xxxx instead...doesnt bother me at all...

But before yes it would have really pissed me off!

Absolutely IMO if you cut off contact for your children then that is selfish...IF you aren't getting any help to change, but if you are doing that then it is not selfish and for a period will be fine if thats what you need...well done on the 30 days:-)

NB I dont like anchovies, in fact i hate the taste of them....if you recover i promise you will react as if someone is offering you a food you would never consider eating...laugh and say no thanks i cant stand the stuff or, in this case, maybe wow i cant drink anymore of that stuff its started to give me real stomach rot even one glass...can i have a soda? Difficult to explain but it will happen if you change yourself:-)

I still had self pity in situations like that at 30 days, hell, I still had some at 6 months... But it's just that, self pity... I had to learn to get over myself, because there are people more important to me, my kids among them.

My in-laws have a cocktail every day right around 5 PM... with out fail... and that's it, just one!! WTF... I can't do that, I didn't want to, ever... But they get pretty persistent in their offers, but after 2-3 times of me declining, they stop.

Self pity is very common in early sobriety. How are you finding your way away from that?? ... it sucks and threatens your sobriety.

Mark

Great questions everyone! And thank you for your comments. I am grateful for you taking the time to respond.
To answer your questions, I am doing meditation and journaling everyday. Most times this is in the morning before I go to the office.
I read The Big Book every evening.
I think I have a good perspective on how this disease creeps in and makes you feel sorry for yourself. I am doing a lot of self observation and watching which thoughts trigger which reactions. The triggers, the anger, the little thoughts that pop up and wham! You start to think about a glass of wine.
These are the things I am doing to not take a drink.

Thanks again!

Go to the Grandparents. Refuse their wine.

They are not going to disinherit the children because you wont drink the juice.:)

Congrats on resisting during your visit and continuing with your sobriety :)

I normally say that change should come from within ourselves, and that we shouldn't force other people to change for us... But in this case, I think it is okay, because it is tactful not to drink in front of guests who can't drink. Ask your husband to call and tell them you're trying to avoid alcohol, then bake them pie so they have good opinions about you and want to support you :)

I don't think they will have a problem keeping the wine in the cellar as a requisite for seeing their grandchildren :)

If it were a large family dinner on a holiday I would say otherwise (you have to be self-disciplined) but with just you, your husband and his parents, it's too intimate to ignore your feelings.

Well, the entire weekend was all worried about with no drama. My 3 year old came down with a fever so there you go, no weekend trip.
Here is the issue I'll be working on over the next week or so with 30 days clean:
The time has to come where I let my family know. If not, I am hiding that for a reason.
For me, I think if I tell them it will give me more fuel to stay sober.
My disease doen't want me to share because then no one will know if I accept a glass of wine in the future; you see, I am starting to figure out the crazy thinking that goes along w/ this disease.

One of the promises in the Big Book is "We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us" and the one right after that is "we will suddenly realize that God is doing for us, what we could not do for ourselves". When you said that your baby caught a fever, I thought to myself the latter applied. He just gave you time to figure out which side you stood on. Your in-laws will understand or not, the point is YOU will understand. God Bless

Thank you! I believe that too.